JERRY'S STANDUP
Smoking is certainly one of the oddest and stupidest human idiosyncrasies. Why did anyone think a camel is a good product image for a cigarette? I think each one is the equivalent tar of smoking an actual camel.
I love the ad campaign they had a few years ago on their anniversay, "75 years and still smoking."
Well, not everybody. I think there might be a few empty chairs at that big birthday bash.
Maybe the appeal is the fire. There's something very scary and exciting about fire. People always run to see a fire. They're proud that they have a fireplace. This is what smoking is really all about. The power of "I've got some fire right here in my hand. Smoke and fire is
literally coming right out of my mouth." And it's very intimidating to the nonsmoker because it's like talking to someone who's going, "My head could open up, lava could explode out, pour right down my face,
doesn't bother me a bit." And the cigar is even worse. A cigar is like, "You think this end is scary, look at the wet, disgusting, chewed up nub."
Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it.
I love to exercise, but I still have to laugh at it. You go to the health club, you see all these people and they're working out; they're training, they're getting in shape. But nobody's really getting in shape for anything. In modern society, you really don't have to be physically
strong to do anything. The only reason that you're getting in shape is so you can get through the workout. So we're working out, so that we'll be in shape, for when we have to do our exercises. That's comedy.
I am so tired of having to come up with another little outfit for myself every day. In fact, I will say this - and I think many people agree with me - I think eventually fashion won't even exist. I think someday we'll all wear the same thing. Because anytime I see a movie or TV show where there are people from the future or another planet, they're all wearing the same outfit. Somehow they all decided, "All right, that's enough. From now on, this is going to be our outfit. One-piece silver jump suit, with a V-stripe on the chest, and boots. That's it. We're going to start visiting other planets and we want to look like a team."
Women approach clothes from a different angle altogether. The other day I was watching women in a department store looking at clothes, and I noticed women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes. They take a dress off the rack and they hold it up against themselves. They can tell something from this. They stick one leg way out and kind of lean back. I guess they need to know, "If someday I'm one-legged at a forty-five-degree angle, what am I going to wear?"
I love the phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could just go, "Excuse me, I'm not here right now. If you just leave a message, I can walk away."
I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that much. Because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone, "You can't talk to me like that!" BANG, it's over. But a cordless phone - "You can't talk to me like that! All right now, let me just find that little thing to turn this off....Just hang on, I'm hanging up on you."
