JERRY'S STANDUP
Many states in the country now have traffic school to get a ticket taken off your liscense. I went to traffic school, I didn't mind it. I felt bad for the traffic school instructor. This guy goes to traffic school every day no matter how he drives. What is his incentive not to speed? He's going to traffic school anyway. Why not get a race car, do two hundred miles an hour down the street? Cop stops you,
"Where are you going?"
"Traffic school."
"All right, go ahead. And you better hurry, you really need it."
The handicap parking spot is the mirage of the parking desert. You know the feeling. You see it in the distance, there it is. You can't believe your eyes, "It's too good to be true. A big, wide spot, and it's right by the entrance. Somehow everybody missed it." And then when you pull up, wait - it wasn't even there. There's nothing. It's like you were hallucinating. "I, I thought there was a spot there. I, I don't know what happened...I - "
What is the handicap parking situation at the Special Olympics? They must have to just stack like a hundred cars into those two spots. How else can they do it?
There's an entire industry of bad gifts. All those "executive" gifts, any stupid, goofy, brass wood thing, they put a piece of green felt on the bottom, "It's a golf-desk-tie-stress-organizer, Dad."
Nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. To me, there's no better way than a paperweight to express to someone, "I refused to put any thought into this at all." And where are these people working that papers are just blowing right off of their desks anyway? Is their office screwed to the back of a flatbed truck going down the highway or something? Are they typing up in the crow's next of a clipper ship? What do you need a paperweight for? Where's the wind coming from?
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
The down side of a message is it usually means somebody wants something from you. There's two types of favors, the big favor and the small favor. You can measure the size of the favor by the pause that a person takes after they ask you to "Do me a favor." Small favor - small pause. "Can you do me a favor, hand me that pencil." No pause at all. Big favors are, "Could you do me a favor..." Eight seconds go by. "Yeah? What?" "...well." The longer it takes them to get to it, the bigger the pain it's going to be.
Humans are the only species that do favors. Animals don't do favors. A lizard doesn't go up to a cockroach and say, "Could you do me a favor and hold still, I'd like to eat you alive." That's a big favor even with no pause.
With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know?
I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted then to come over to me after and go, "We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet the President."
