If Only I Knew Then

Chapter 3: Second Verse

 

That night would have been the night that the ritual was performed.  Xander and Anya were still angry with her for destroying the urn and were avoiding her.  She and Tara had both had classes in the early evening.  It was strange to be back in her old classes, but at least the second time around, good grades would come easy.

 

Spike had stayed with Dawn again that night, while her and Tara helped Giles with a few things at the shop.  As they stepped onto the porch, Tara gently pulled back on you’re talking the redhead’s hand she had been holding, stopping Willow before she opened the door.  Slowly, she turned around to face Tara, taking a deep breath.  She had been avoiding her for the past few days and figured that Tara had finally decided to ask why.

 

“Tara?” She asked, trying to sound as confused and concerned as possible.  “What is it?”

 

“I was sort of hoping you would tell me,” Tara told her, regarding her girlfriend carefully.

 

“What…what do you mean?”

 

“Come on, Will, this is me you’re talking to.  Something’s been going on with you.  There’s something you’re not telling me.”

 

“Tara, I don’t know what about,” she said quietly, avoiding looking at the blond witch’s eyes.

 

“Don’t do this to me, Will.  Don’t shut me out like that.  I can feel it.  There’s a whole different vibe coming from you, magically.  You feel different.  And your aura has completely changed.  I don’t understand.  You feel so much stronger and…and sadder all of the sudden.”

 

“No, baby, really…I’m the same old me,” Willow assured her.

 

“You’re not.  You’re changing, and…I don’t know who you are anymore,” Tara said, tears filling her eyes.  “There is so much power coming off of you, and…you’re just so different.  And then, changing your mind about Buffy.”  Willow opened her mouth to say something but Tara didn’t give her the chance.  “I’m not saying that was wrong.  I think you made the right decision.  But you had been so insistent before that we do it and then all of the sudden, you completely change your mind, without even telling me or explaining why.”

 

“Tara, I’m sorry.  I just…it’s hard to explain.  I just…I just know that it was wrong to do the spell.  Before…I was headstrong and cocky about what I could do, but I realize, just because I CAN do something doesn’t mean that I should.”

 

“And I completely agree with you, Willow, but…I just don’t understand where this is coming from.  And what’s happened to change your entire aura so much?  That doesn’t just happen.  I’m afraid it may be all the magic you’ve been using lately.  It’s too much.  You need to cut back a little.  Deciding to not to do the spell, it was a good start, but still…”

 

“Baby can’t we just not talk about this right now? I just…”

 

“We used to talk about everything,” Tara said sadly.

 

“I know.  I’m just…I guess I’m just not myself right now,” Willow admitted.  “I’m just feeling a little…confused about things.”

 

“About me?” Tara asked, dread in her voice.

 

“No! Not about you…or…or us. Just…other…stuff,” Willow said, trying to reassure her.

 

“Why won’t you talk to me?  You’re not telling me everything,” Tara shouted accusingly.

 

“Willow, I can feel it!  Something’s changed and if you won’t tell me what it is…”

 

“Tara, please just…”

 

“No! Look…I’m tired.  Let’s not do this anymore.” Moving to the door, she turned the knob and began to open it.  Before walking in, she turned back to Willow adding, “When you’re ready to tell me what’s going on, let me know.”

 

Not far away, unbeknownst to Willow, or anyone else for that matter, a large gang of demons was riding towards Sunnydale, having heard that the Slayer was gone and the hellmouth was open hunting season.

 

~***~

 

Willow stood alone on the front porch, her head and heart pounding.  They had fought.  They never fought, and just as before, they had fought…about magic, about her power.  A sudden rush of panic swept through her as she began to fear that the events would still turn the same way they had last time and she didn’t know what to do to stop it.  She loved Tara.  Deeply, and was so happy to have her back…to have this chance with her.  But she could not drive out the memories of what had been and what she hoped would never be.  Every time she looked at Tara, her mind flashed to her body, bloody, lying dead on the floor, and Willow cursed herself for not being able to move beyond that and just be happy to have her back again.   Turning and walking across the front lawn, Willow headed down the street and toward the woods where Buffy was buried.

 

Spike had listened to the two witches argue on the porch.  Tara wasn’t the only one to have noticed a change in Willow.  There was something drastically different about the girl, and if she wouldn’t tell the blond witch what was going on, maybe he could get it out of her.

After Tara had come into the house and gone upstairs, Spike grabbed his coat and headed out, following the redhead as she walked off, having a pretty good idea of where she was going.

 

Stopping in front of the headstone, she knelt down on the dewy grass, feeling both emotionally and physically exhausted.  So much had happened in the last few days and she didn’t know how much more she could handle.

 

“Buffy?” She whispered.  “God, I miss you.”  She glanced up toward the night sky, her vision blurring with tears.  “It’s so hard, and I don’t know what to do.  I…I did what you asked, as you are obviously well aware of, but now…I thought everything would be better, and Tara’s here, but…it’s not better.  It’s just…so hard.”  Her shoulders slumped as her resolve crumbled and she buried her face in her hands.

 

“Red?” She jumped, hearing the voice behind her.

 

“God, Spike, why do you always do that?” She asked.  He arched an eyebrow in amusement at her.

 

“You alright, pet? Heard you and your girl fight’n.”  She nodded unconvincingly.  He moved to sit down next to her, watching her carefully.

 

“Everything’s such a mess right now.  Xander and Anya are avoiding me, Tara’s mad at me, I’m pretty sure Giles is none too thrilled with me right now…”

 

“Yeah, was wondering about that.  What exactly did you say to the watcher to get him to stay?” He asked.  She just shrugged.

 

“Explained that I still needed him here,” she said simply.  “He agreed, but wasn’t exactly happy about it.  I think the only one other than you that ISN’T angry with me is Dawnie.”

 

“You want me to take them out? Give me a hell of a headache, but I could probably thin the herd a little.”  Spike watched as a small smile spread across her face.

 

“There, see now?  Knew I could get at least a grin.  And you were always the perky one.”

 

“Nah, but thanks for the offer,” she told him. 

 

They both sat for several minutes in silence before he finally spoke again.

 

“You know, the witch was right.”  She looked up at him in surprise.

 

“Right?  About what?  Me using too much magic?  None of you knows what you’re talking about there,” she said angrily.

 

“No, about you having changed,” he explained.

 

“Oh,” she mumbled.

 

“You have changed.  I can see it.  I know a lot has happened in the last few months and what with you takin care of Dawn and all…I understand you’re feeling stressed, but you’ve changed in the last few days, and Buffy’s been gone for months.  It’s not like it was…”

 

“Yesterday,” she finished quietly.

 

“Uh, well…yeah.”

 

She looked up at him, not trying to fight the tears anymore.  “I was just with her yesterday.”

 

“You are talking the figurative ‘with her yesterday’, as opposed to the much more impossible literally ‘with her yesterday’, right?”

 

She looked down, about to respond when suddenly there came a loud roaring sound.  Both looked up just in time to see a group of demons on motorcycles racing toward them.  Spike grabbed Willow and pulled them both back behind a large group of shrubs.

 

“Looks like we’ve got company,” he whispered to her.

 

‘Damn it!’ She thought. ‘Another thing I forgot about that I should have remembered.  How are we going to stop them without the real Buffy?  Maybe I should have thought this through better before hand.  Maybe if I…’

 

Her musing were cut off by Spike, gripping her arm and yanking her sharply up from the ground. “We have to get out of here, now,” he told her.  She simply nodded in agreement.

 

Just then, a demon came riding toward them.  Before Spike had a chance to react, Willow held up her arm and yelled, “thicken!”  The demon hit the invisible barrier she had created and bounced backwards and off of his bike.

 

“Impressive,” Spike said, momentarily stunned.

 

“Run, now!” She shouted before they both turned and began to run through the woods, with Spike leading the way.  They ran for what felt like forever, though they were still deep inside the woods.  Willow grabbed Spikes coat, tugging to get his attention.  Stopping, she leaned over, her hands on her knees, trying to catch her breath.

 

“What are you doing?  We need to keep going, pet,” he yelled.

 

“Need…to stop….for a minute.  Catch my breath,” she panted, gasping for air.

 

“Yeah, well, we wait here too long and lack of air won’t be an issue for you anymore, get it?”

 

“You should listen to the guy.  Knows what he’s talking about.”  The both turned and looked up to see the demon that had been chasing them on foot standing there, growling.

 

“Willow, just run,” Spike yelled, readying himself to fight the demon.

 

“No!  I’m not just gonna leave you and…”

 

“Red! Do as I say! Go!”

 

“No, Spike, I’m not just gonna do what you say ‘cause…” before she could finish, the demon lunged swiftly for her.  Just before reaching her, she held up her hand and yelled out a few words in Latin.  The demon froze in the air and fell to the ground, shaking his head and looking stunned as he slowly stood back up. “you tell me to,” she finished the sentence.  “I’m a big girl.  I can handle myself.”

 

“You sure about that?” The demon asked, pulling out a very large, very sharp knife, and again lunging toward her.  Again, she held up her hand and yelled out again.  This time, the knife flew from his hands toward the ground near her feet as the demon flew into a tree in the opposite direction.  Spike just watched in wide-eyed amazement as the witch fought the demon, all the while still berating him.

 

“You think you’re so strong and tough, Mr. big bad?  Well, guess what, I can take care of myself.”

 

At that moment, the demon, lunged for her again and she looked up in time to see two others on bikes racing toward her from opposite sides.  She closed her eyes, mumbling a few words and held her arms out to both sides.   A bright flash of light came from the witch and hit the three demons.  Spike ducked and covered his eyes, hearing them scream in agony.  A moment later the light was gone and he looked up to see that as with the light, so were the demons no where to be found.  Seeing Willow on the ground, he ran over to her.

 

“Red?  You alright?”

 

“Yeah,” she said, panting again.  “I’m fine…just, you know…weak.  Took a lot of me, and I haven’t been able to fully recharge yet, so…”

 

“Recharge from what?” He asked, looking her over in concern.

 

“Huh?  What?  Oh, nothing.  I…we better go, before more of the show up.”  She struggled to stand and nearly fell over again, before he reached down and scooped her up, carrying her off.

 

As they made their way through the woods, clearly lost, Spike carrying her in his arms, she couldn’t help but laugh at how similar it was all turning out. “Second verse, same as the first,” she sang softly to herself as she chuckled.

 

“What was that, Red?” Spike asked, thinking maybe the witch was delirious.

 

‘Just like last time, ‘cept without the snake coming out of my mouth, which…really…big plus there,’ she thought to herself, ignoring Spike.

 

“Well I think it’s safe to say the word is out on the slayer bein gone,” Spike said.  She looked up at him, catching his words.

 

“Yeah, I guess so,” she said quietly.  “Oh god! If you’re here with me, who’s  taking care of Dawnie?” She asked, suddenly more worried.

 

“I’m sure Dawn is fine with Tara and the others are probably all together by now,” he told her, confused at her sudden worry.  She nodded distractedly.

 

“You, uh…you see that light up there?”

 

“The one that looks like a motorcycle coming right towards us?” He asked, becoming alarmed.

 

“Too fast,” she murmured, suddenly remembering the events last time.  “Tara!” She shouted.

 

“Okay, luv, I definitely think you’re a bit delirious now, and…”

 

“No, Spike, it’s Tara!  She’s going to guide us out of the woods.”

 

“That right?” He asked, just as the little light fluttered up to them.  Picking up speed, he began to follow the light out of the woods. A few minutes later, he stopped and Willow looked around.

 

“Why are you stopping? Am…am I getting to be too heavy for you?” She asked nervously.

 

“Light as a feather,” he assured her. “Look.”

 

She looked to where he was pointing and saw that one of the demon’s bikes was laying on the ground.  “Might work a bit faster,” he mused as he set her down on her feet and lifted the bike up, looking it over.  A second later, he was seated and started the motor. 

 

“Hop on, pet,” he beckoned, and she carefully climbed on behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist as they took off, following the light.

 

~***~

 

“I’ve tried calling everywhere I can think of,” Tara said, her voice full of worry. “I can’t find her anywhere.”

 

“I’m sure she’s fine,” Xander tried to reassure her, though his face showed doubt.

 

“Th-the last thing I said…we had fought.  W-what if…”

 

”I’m sure Xander’s right, she’s fine,” Giles said, patting her on the back, no more reassuring than Xander. 

 

They had all congregated in The Magic Box, with the exception of Willow and Spike, whom he hoped were somewhere safe.

 

“Spike’s missing in action too, so maybe…maybe they’re together,” Dawn said hopefully.

 

“We need to go look for them,” Xander said firmly, standing up and pacing back and forth.

 

“You want us to go back out there?” Anya asked.

 

“Do you have a better suggestion?” Xander asked in annoyance.

 

“Well, um, it's just ... we're minus a Buffy-bot. And, uh, Spike and Willow are missing in action plus there are demons that are running amuck.  Is going out there the best solution?  I mean, how are we supposed to fight these guys? We can take a vampire or two, sure, but there's a whole cavalcade of demons out there…I mean, I think this, you know…it, it takes, um ... I mean, I…we need...”

 

“Buffy,” Tara said quietly.

 

“Well, Buffy isn’t coming back,” Xander growled harshly. “We’re it.  So Tara, Giles…grab weapons.  Anya, stay here with Dawn.  We’re going to look for Willow.”

 

“You’re leaving?  You’re leaving to go out there and get yourself all hurt and…possibly killed?” Anya asked, following him toward the weapons chest.

 

Xander glared at her before glancing toward a worried looking Dawn.  She looked toward the young girl and then back at her boyfriend before breaking out into a very wide, very forced smile.  “I mean…way to go! Give 'em hell and kill those demons.  I’m sure you’ll do great.”

 

“We have to do this, Anya,” he said quietly, giving her a gentle kiss.  “It’s Willow.”

 

Finally finding their way out of the woods, they followed the light, heading toward The Magic Box.  Halfway across town, Spike slowed down and came to a stop in front of an alleyway.  Looking up, Willow saw what had made him stop.  They both climbed off of the bike and made their way toward it.

 

“Oh, god,” Willow murmured, as she looked down at the remains of the Buffy-bot.  Now what?  No Buffy this time to save them.  No bot to help them fight.  There was nothing.

 

“Your slap-and-paste job's not gonna do the trick this time, Red. Robot's done,” Spike said, picking through the remains.

 

“What are we gonna do now?  Without…”

 

“Willow!” She stopped and turned to see Xander, Giles and Tara coming toward them.

 

“Oh god, you’re alive,” Tara yelled.

 

“Not for long.” The three turned to see a group of demons coming up behind them.

 

“Big axe you got there,” one of them said.

 

“The better to cut you down to size, grandma,” Xander retorted. 

 

The demon took another step toward him and Tara suddenly yelled out.

“Incindere!”  Flames shot out from the ground and the demon stepped back.

 

“Ah, so you got a witch in the mix,” he said with a growl.

 

“More than one,” Tara informed him proudly.

 

“Well, I happen to think you have about enough magic for a kiddy party,” he said with an evil smile.

 

“Then you’d be wrong,” Willow yelled, walking up in front of the demon, hoping he would not see how drained she was.

 

“Oh, I see,” he said, just before backhanding her hard, sending her flying across the alleyway.

 

"One more important detail I should have remembered from last time...standing up to big, scary demon equals painful punch in face,' she thought, just before passing out.

 

Xander charged towards the demon but was shoved to the side and fell to the ground.  Spike looked over to see an unconscious Willow lying on the ground before letting out a loud snarl and attacking the demon.  As he ran forward, Giles joined him, more as a distraction than anything else, and as the demon looked toward Giles, Spike reached for him, grabbed an arm, pulled it back to turn the demon around and punched him several times until he fell to the ground, unmoving.

 

Willow slowly sat up to see the demon that had hurt her lying on the ground and the other demons looking on nervously.

 

“Did we win?” She asked.

 

Just as she spoke, the other demons yelled and attacked.  Seeing a cross bow on the ground nearby, she leaned over, grabbed it and shot one of the demons through the chest, watching with a smug grin as he fell.  All over, they were fighting and she did her best to help, despite her weakened condition.  After only a few minutes, they had managed to take down all of the demons.

 

“We did it.  Even without the slayer,” Willow said triumphantly.

 

“Yes, well,” Giles was about to speak, when suddenly the head demon’s eyes opened and he jumped up and grabbed Willow, lifting her up by the throat.

 

“Let’s see what tricks the witch can manage while I’m choking the life

outta…” Before he could finish, Tara picked up an axe and threw it hard, burying it deep in the demon’s back, causing him to let go of Willow and fall to the ground, dead.

 

Willow looked up at Tara.  The blonde witch said with a smile, “Nobody messes with my girl.”

 

“Tara, nice axing,” Xander complimented. 

 

She turned toward him. “My first,” she replied, beaming proudly. 

 

As she, Xander, Spike and Giles began to discuss what to do next, Willow slowly pulled herself up and hobbled away as fast as she could, tears streaming down her face, everything overwhelming her.

 

It was Spike who first noticed that Willow was missing and took off to look for her, finally finding her back at the Summer’s home.

 

“There you are!” He yelled, slamming the door behind him as he found the redhead sitting on the stairs just inside the house, her face buried in her hands. “Thank God. You scared me half to death ... or more to death. You - I could kill you.”

 

She looked up at him and his eyes widened as he saw the look of pain and horror in her eyes.  Thinking it was just in reaction to fighting the demons and losing the Buffy-bot, he sat down next to her, patting her back awkwardly. She leaned into him slightly, thankful for his silent comfort.

 

 

~***~

 

The next few days were a constant struggle for Willow.  Assimilating to a life she used to lead proved to be much more difficult than she had anticipated.  She still felt as though she were walking around in a dream. Everything felt hazy and far away.  She felt completely detached from everything around her, including her friends.

 

“Honey, please tell me what’s bothering you,” Tara said quietly, about a week later, as they lay in bed. 

 

Willow felt her eyes fill with tears…something that was happening much too often lately for her liking.  She closed her eyes and willed the tears back. The redhead hadn’t expected to feel so different with Tara.  She was happy to have Tara back.  Really.  This was what she wanted, more than anything else.

 

She had nearly destroyed the world in attempt to get this last year…or next year, or…and now she had it.  She was happy.  Or at least, she should have been. But things were so different now.  SHE was so different now, and adjusting to being in Tara’s arms…it just felt…wrong somehow. She knew now what she was capable of…what darkness she held inside of her, and even if in the here and now, that hadn’t come out of her yet, she knew it was there, right at the surface, threatening to break out at any moment. 

 

Maybe she had supposed that it would dissipate when she returned to this time, having not actually touched that darkness.  But she realized now, that was a part of her. Even if no one else was aware of it, she was carrying it with her.   Maybe she felt that after everything she had done, she didn’t deserve Tara now.  Maybe after everything…she and Tara just didn’t fit together anymore.  She wasn’t exactly sure what it was, but something was horribly off and she still had no idea how to fix it.

 

Willow pointed to her head.  “It’s just kind of noisy up here tonight, you know?”

 

Tara smiled softly and moved closer to her, wrapping her arms around the redhead.  “That better?”  She asked, snuggling into her.

 

“It helps,” Willow murmured quietly, mentally noting that somehow, this time, it didn’t.  Closing her eyes she struggled to fight back the tears as she lay in the hauntingly familiar embrace.

 

The next night, the entire gang was congregated in the Summer’s home, researching on the latest demon they’d come across.  Feeling stifled and finding it hard to breathe, Willow slipped out the back door.  She had been sitting in the backyard for a few minutes, lost in her thoughts when the sound of a twig cracking caused her to jump and look up.

 

“Spike,” she said with a small smile, starting to get used to the vampire sneaking up on her.  “Not as stealthy as you usually are,” she said.

 

He shrugged. “Told me not to sneak up on you anymore.  Though I do prefer the smell of fear that I always get when I do scare ya.  Mixes real nice with scent of strawberries you have.”  He smiled and sat down next to her, not noticing her cringe at the mention of strawberries.

He glanced toward the house, where he could hear bickering from behind the walls. "You ever get the feeling of deja vu?  Like, as if you've been through this day before?"

 

Her eyes widened slightly and she looked up at him, regarding him for a moment, before looking away again and mumbling her answer.  "You'd be surprised." There was a minute of two of silence before Willow spoke again. "Spike, what if I told you I saw Buffy just a few days ago.  That I was with her, talking and laughing, and...well, not so much laughing, cause of the whole unstoppable evil and all, but..." she trailed off, watching for his reaction.

 

He nodded slowly.  “Know it feels that way.  I count every bloody day, but it’s been a lot more than just a few, pet.”

 

She shook her head.  “Not for me.”

 

He gave her a questioning look and she let out a deep sigh, knowing she needed to talk to someone about this and it was either him or Giles, the alternative looking less appealing.

 

“I…I was with her just last week…only it was a year from now and things were…very different.”

 

“Red, I don’t think I’m exactly following you here.”

 

“I did a spell.”  She looked up to see him arch an eyebrow in concern.  “I…a year from now, in…another reality I guess, I did a spell, to come back here and…and to change things.”

 

“Change things?”

 

“The first time around, I did a spell…big, bad spell, to bring Buffy back.”

 

His eyes widened at her words.  “And it worked, but…badness followed, a whole lot of it.  Buffy was pulled out of heaven, and was miserable and then…people died and…I sort of tried to destroy the world.”  She looked down, unable to meet his eyes as she spoke.  “Then, because of me bringing Buffy back, The First returned and…it was just very bad.”

After a long, silent pause, she looked up again, trying to gage his reaction.

 

“So, you’re telling me that you are actually from the future?” He asked, not fully believing her.

 

“It’s the Hellmouth, Spike.  Stranger things than this have happened.”

 

“True, but…you brought Buffy back?”

 

“Last time, yeah.  This time…no.  That…that was what I came back to stop from happening.”

 

“Did I…last time, did I know you were bringin her back?”

 

She looked down again and whispered a no.

 

“I fought beside you every day.  I was your FRIEND and you were going behind my back and would have…”

 

“Spike, please,” panic began to well up inside of her.  She suddenly feared that, like last time, he would feel angry and betrayed by her and take his friendship away…something that she needed now more than ever.

 

He stood up and looked down at her, anger flaring in his yellow eyes.  “How could you go behind my back on something like that!”

 

“Spike, please,” she jumped up as he turned to start walking away, and grabbed his arm, desperate to make him listen to her.  “I know that leaving you out…it was horrible and hurtful and…I know all of this, but…we…I didn’t do it.  I couldn’t do it, and…please, just don’t hate me, okay?  Please, I…I know it’s selfish but…I need this…I need you, and last time…please just don’t turn away from me now.”

 

“Last time, what?” He asked, curiosity getting the better of him.

 

“Last time, you…we…weren’t really friends afterwards, and…I missed that,” she said quietly. 

 

He stood silent for a moment, his expression unreadable.  Finally, he let out a long sigh. “I’m still your friend, Willow.  But from now on…you want me fighting by your side, you can’t leave me out of the loop whenever it suits you, understand?”

 

She nodded vigorously. “Yes, completely.  Thank you, Spike,” she lunged forward without thinking and enveloped the surprised vampire in a tight embrace, which he slowly and unsurely returned.  A few moments later she released him and looked down sheepishly, apologizing for letting her emotions get the best of her like that. 

 

He pulled her back to the bench and they sat down. “Now, tell me all about what happened on your first trip around.”

 

 

 Previous Chapter Next Chapter