UK SOAPS

A tool for those of you that haven't watched the main British soaps for some weeks.

EASTENDERS:
IAN's new machine is causing trouble so he calls in FRANK to deal with it but FRANK doesn't want to know because he has fallen in love with DAN, who has recently stolen eggs from DOT who is oblivious, and has started to eat chewing gum but has accidentally stumbled on JANINE's love affair with KEVIN, whose brother MICK has entered the fray, going into business with ROY who has recently reformed the Electric Light Orchestra with JEFF, RICHARD and BEVERLEY, whose trans-gender lesbian husband PAT has discovered an old will of LOU's revealing that BETTY is RON's mother and cousin of WILL, MARJORIE's step-daughter and love-child of BEPE, whose investment in British Transatlantic has paid off, enabling him to liquidise the assets of the Mirror Group and go to bed with MEL, even though her heart's not in it and she prefers spread betting with KEVIN, who has fiercely remonstrated by throwing an orange at the collective heads of DAVE, TOM and BILL, all of whom have been banned from the Queen Vic for fighting and from the Old Vic for putting in a dreadful performance in King Lear, during which they found out that PAULINE has signed up as roadie for PETER, PAUL and MARY who are set to play Albert Square in May under the guidance of protection racketeer HAROLD, who is visiting having taken time off from MADGE and has started up a gambling den with DENNIS which has to be kept secret from EVELINA on account of her menstruation problems, first revealed by DOCTOR LEGGE in private to TARQUIN and PEREGRINE when they announced that the Cafe is to be revamped but only slightly, after the next alignment of Jupiter and Mars, which will be on ERMINTRUDE's birthday, which was previously due to be celebrated with the opening of the cantilever bridge that QUASIMODO and ST FRANCIS OF ASSISSI have been attempting to construct over the ALLOTMENTS, although it has now met with a planning problem which MICK JAGGER and GOD pointed out whilst in the Launderette talking to PEGGY, who alerted the relevant services.

That's about it. I don't watch Coronation Street.

Written by Tom Harris