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| This is my story. How and when and what happened when I started my struggle with SI. There is also a bit of information on my struggles with Ana. Why anyone would be interested is beyond me but hey, if you are - check it out. |
| ***WARNING*** Some content on this page may be triggering. Please keep yourself safe while reading. |
| I don't remember exactly what made me do it. I don't know why or what was crossing my mind at the time. But I do remember the strange sense of relief I got after I did it. It was spring and I was sitting downstairs in my house one night talking to my mom and we were fighting over something. I don't remember what. I was sitting at the piano and I was yelling about something and I slammed my fist down on the edge of the piano and my wrist took the impact. I was kind of startled because I wasn't expecting to have hit that hard or have my wrist be where I hit, but it was, and I got this rush of relief throughout me. I started calming down and it was almost like the pain in my wrist was taking my mind off of the argument. After that I think I just got up and went up to my room. At least we stopped fighting. I started wrist-banging shortly after. I'd do it a few times a week and it got to the point where my entire wrists were black and blue. Here is about the time where I introduced myself to long sleeves and warm weather. A not-so-friendly combination but you do what you have to, right? I always told myself that I'd never cut because I didn't want the scars. I thought banging was perfect because the bruises just faded away. Well about 3 months after I started banging, I started cutting. I don't really remember the first time I did it but I can recall bits and pieces. I used this red army knife I had, and I think it was really late at night. I remember I cut so deep and I didn't even bleed. I still have scars from the first 3 cuts I ever did, and none of them bled. Scary, huh? So that kind of freaked me out because I didn't know why the hell I wasn't bleeding and I was in the state of wanting to feel wanting to make sure I was real and the whole not-bleeding thing really wasn't helping. After those three I went back to banging and didn't cut for about a month. Then I broke down in the bathroom at school and made about a 1/2 inch cut on my left wrist with a razor I had gotten from the razor I used to shave my legs. One night I had gotten desperate and broke the apart the razor and wrapped the tiny blade in a tissue and put it in my backpack. I think the day after was when I cut in the bathroom. It made me bleed though. I was so relieved. As weird as it sounds, I had thought that something was wrong (why don't I bleed??) but this razor you could press and drag so lightly and blood would still follow. After that though I didn't cut very much still, I was banging and then about a month and 1/2 later it turned to scratching. My nails were always naturally really long and pretty (everyone would always ask if they were fake) and I filed them straight across. The edges were really sharp. As you could probably guess, once I realized that I practically had built-in razors on the tips of my fingers, my arms turned into trophies of marks and lines where I had dug my nails into my skin or dragged them across my arms. Despite all this, once everything faded away I didn't really have any marks or scars, besides those 3 in a straight row on my left forearm, up towards my elbow. Bruises and scratches fade. I was doing okay, right? I mean, 3/4 length sleeves covered those 3 scars and when I had marks or bruises long sleeves covered those. I was in no real danger of anyone finding out.That all changed, however, about 2 months later. I started cutting. Seriously cutting. I'd cut every week and my forearms turned into sand-colored mementos of gashes and lines. I was stuck in permenant long sleeves and life was quite interesting trying to come up with excuses if anyone ever caught a glimpse of a cut. They usually didn't though. That went on for a while then kind of cooled down, then banging started up along with that and scratching if I was desperate. Things are going a little better for me now, I have some good friends that I am beginning to trust, and some that I don't at all, and I have a good boyfriend, and I love him. But my life is still a struggle everyday. I haven't gotten over my SI, I don't know when I will or even if I ever will. But I'm still happy. I'm just living. |
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| Back to Home Not Finished? Back to About Me Overwhelmed? Rest at Smile! My Happy Place |
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| Because this is an SI site, I won't go into too much detail about my struggles with Ana. Yet since this page is dedicated to my story, I will include some information on myself, a poem which describes Ana wonderfully I think, and links to a few beautiful websites for people who would like to know more about Ana. Current Stats: Height - 5'7" Weight - 125 lbs Bust - 33 in. Waist - 24 1/2 in. Hips - 34 in. Wishful Thinking: Height - 5'6" Weight - 100 lbs Bust - 33 in. Waist - 23 in. Hips - 32 in. I will get there!! =) 2 Wonderful sites with loads of information: Good Anas Never Die Starving for Perfection |
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| I want to be so thin , light , airy , that . . . . . . that when the light hits me , I don ' t leave a shadow behind . . . . that when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint to mar its virgin purity . . . . that I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour . - Unknown |
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| Yet another amazing Pro-Ana site: |
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