| Time went by and Allen and I had gotten even closer than I thought people could. I was very much in love which made wanting to have a baby a whole different story now, because I wanted this baby not for myself and selfish reasons but I wanted this baby as a part of our love. A year and 2 months had gone by and I started to discuss wanting to get to a doctor to see why I was losing these babies. I mean it doesn�t matter how many times I could get pregnant if I kept losing them. Allen had said it was a good idea. I asked him if I did this would he consider starting to plan on having one, he said yes. I was so happy. Through a girl I worked with I learned of a doctor who was a specialist and supposed to be a wonderful doctor. I called and made an appointment with him and had gotten all my medical records for him so he could catch up on my case. He said he had wanted to do a cross match test, he had wanted some of my blood and some of Allens so he could mix them together to see how my blood acted with his, but first, the word I had dreaded, he wanted to do a hysterosalpingogram to see how well my tubes still were. I made the appointment and Allen was supposed to go with me. The day of my appointment he got up early I had asked why because we were not going to work , he said he was and I reminded him about my appointment, he said he wasn�t going. I told him I needed his blood but he still would not go. It was from that day that I saw him differently . I was very shocked for someone that loved me so much to not do this. I mean I could get into a lot about our relationship but this is not about that. I went anyway and had the hysterosalpingogram and surprisingly it wasn�t that bad this time. I went and saw the doctor a week later he said my tubes seemed good and asked about the blood I told him Allen could not make it. I asked him what my next step would be and he said I had to do the blood work. I think it was about 4 months later that I had this gut feeling, I bought a pregnancy test and took it a day befor I was due, it came out positive. Allen had said it was just because I took it a day early. Of course I knew differently because by now I was a pro in pregnancy test. I told him fine I would take one the next day, it came out positive again. I was surprised he didn�t seem that excited, I mean we had planned on this so it should not have been a huge surprise. He had asked me what I thought about an abortion and at that moment I went into complete shock. I could not believe that the person I thought I would be with forever had asked me such a thing, it broke my heart. The next day I went to planned parenthood, not to see about abortion but to take a pregnancy test. It came out positive. It must have been like 2 days when Allen had said to me if it�s a girl he wanted to name her, he seemed to smile greatly when he said that. It made me so happy , he was happy and past the shock. It was the next day I started to spot. My heart sunk to the floor and I called Allen at work and let him know I was going to the emergency room, he said he was not going to leave work so I went alone. And alone I lost my baby. I just couldn�t believe it , I think I went thought every emotion. I just aksed over and over in my head why me? What have I done that is so wrong I deserve this? Why was I being punished? Why was I so little of a woman that I couldn�t go all the way through with the greatest gift a women could have? It makes you feel so incomplete and so empty, and after the pain the anger comes. That night I was making dinner and I cried Allen asked me why I was crying, I said well I just lost a baby and you were not there, he told me to get over it��from there everything went down hill and 3 months later I found myself moving out and into a condo with a friend who also was looking for a place to live. I did as usual and picked myself up and went on , I mean what can you do? |
| There was one point I wouldn�t leave my room or talk to anyone unless it was work related, I figured if I was going to continue doing that I may as well as order my coffin now because what I was doing was not living. It was like I was continuosly grieving, although no one understood why. It�s easy for people to say it wasn�t meant to be, or the timing must have been wrong, and you know what? Those people leave and go home to their children , tuck them in and could possibly have no concept of what it would be like to lose a child. I sunk myself into the computer, but this time instead of chatting I played games, my mother�.my good mother getting me hooked on them and honestly to this day I still am. I didn�t date for almost a year and honestly had no desire to. I figured I couldn�t control the pain of losing a baby, that happened but I could control being hurt by a man. So instead I worked and kept to myself. The office I was working in had started to slow down work wise, since I had made more than the other girl there I got let go. I had been chatting to a musician on the internet who happened to live in Florida near my mother. He mentioned about visiting sometime and I thought that now would be a good time, not to mention I had not seen my mother in about 7 years. I called her and spoke to her about it and went ahead and made plans to go out to Florida. I took a train from California to Florida, I have never been on a plane and as much as my mother has tried to talk me into it I am far to stubborn to have agreed to that. It took about 3 days which wasn�t bad because it was going to be 3-4 weeks that I was going to be there. I tried to split my time there between this musician and my mother, I think though I wound up spending more time with Mark than I did my mother. I was at Marks one night making something to eat. I remember going into the refrigerator and seeing a copy of an e-mail printed out on the door. I stopped and read it. It was from a guy named Johnny who was in a local band in California that I had heard of, it was thanking Mark for having them open up for the band Mark was playing for at a venue. I thought it was sweet first that Johnny had mailed that to him and secondly that Mark had kept it. I remembered seeing Johnny on this internet site that I was also on, so I made a mental note when I got home to look him up and get his e-mail and let him know that Mark had saved his e-mail. I thought Johnny would appreciate that since Mark played for someone very well known. The time had flown by when I was in Florida and eventually the time had come for me to leave. I�ll bet you all thought I was going to pregnant by Mark!! Not this time. I learned my lesson. After the 3 day trip home and the 3 hour time change I was exhausted but knew I had to get right to finding a job which I had done. After catching up on sleep and feeling somewhat normal I was on the net one night. I had remembered that I had wanted to send Johnny an e-mail to let him know about Mark saving his e-mail. I went to the site Johnny was on and found his e-mail address. I sent him a short e-mail and let him know about the letter Mark had on his refrigerator, and had actually remembered having a short correspondance with Johnny maybe a few month�s earlier, he was letting me know about the new CD his band was getting ready to release. I think a day had gone by and I had received a letter back from Johnny, it was actually really nice. I think he thought it was cool that Mark had saved his e-mail, he also in his e-mail wrote me about himself which I had asked him besides music what he liked and asked him to tell me about himself. He went on to let me know he was in the process of a divorce and had 2 little boys who were at the time 4 and 6, his letter seemed so sincere and so nice, he went on to let me know how he had met his wife and what had gone wrong, he let me know he had toured with the guitar player from REO Speedwagon for a few years which I thought was cool and he let me know he had liked pool and darts |