| I woke up very groggy and alone, it seemed I had made all these friends but I was always alone. By this time my mother lived in Florida and was to far to come be with me, as for my dad I am not sure why no one came I have never asked, or ever will. It took me 8 weeks to recover from the surgery, they wound up taking half of my left ovary too because it had gotten a pretty big cyst on it. I can�t remember ever feeling so empty and alone in my life, Maria had asked if I would move in with her and Dave so she could help me and I had agreed. I pretty much stayed in my room the only time I left was to go to work, the rest of the time I started to sink myself into my computer and into chat rooms. It was a way to talk to people and not have to live the life I was living but to be in a little fantasy world where no one knew what you were going through or why you didn�t get up and do your hair or put on make up anymore. I didn�t have to explain why I never smiled or why I never wanted to associate with anyone. It�s not that you blame anyone around you, In an odd way I probably felt more uncomfortable around people than them around me for the fact that I didn�t want anyone to feel sorry for me, or see how awkward they felt trying to figure out what to say to me that didn�t sound menial compared to what I was going through. I figured if I kept to myself and stayed in my room it would be better for them and for me. I mean how do you explain to someone who has 2 children or has never been through the exact similar thing. I also lost faith in the human heart, whether or not the men who had been the fathers of my babies stayed in my life or not still didn�t explain to me how I could pick these men in my life that didn�t seem to have any compassion for me even as a friend because if they had I would never have gone though these experiences by myself. I blamed myself for so may things, I lost my babies because I used to drink, I used to do drugs, I mean I must have done something to have these bad things happening, what exactly that is I still don�t know, and as much as people want to help by saying �when the time is right� �when its meant to be it will be� honestly I believe that is the biggest piece of bullshit I have ever heard. Lose a child and then come to me and tell me it wasn�t meant to be right now, I won�t hold my breathe for that. So each day went by and I stayed in my room , in the dark and just chatted all night, of course that never helped my situation because eventually I started to talk to one specific man, he got me talking about losing my babies and seemed very compassionate and sincere about how badly he felt for me, we had chatted for about 3 weeks when he had asked if he could come meet me, he said he would stay in a hotel. I thought why not, I mean I would be on my own turf and have some people around me, he showed up that weekend and really seemed to be what he portrayed himself as. He stayed all weekend and we went out and just seemed to talk a lot. He went home on Sunday night and asked to come back the next weekend, for the first time I was actually looking forward to something, he had taken my mind not off of, but briefly while he was here away from the feeling sorry for myself. He came back that weekend and again we had a wonderful time, we would chat all week for hours and hours when he wasn�t here. The next weekend was New Years Eve and he wanted to spend it here with me, I agreed that it would be great for him to come up. We went out that night and for the first time I spent the night at the hotel with him. We sat and talked for hours, he made me laugh and feel good about myself, we ended up sleeping together, it was the oddest thing. I remember getting up the next morning and telling him I was pregnant, he looked at me odd and laughed. He didn�t laugh next time I finally reached him on the computer, as a matter of fact the first thing I saw him type was, � would you ever consider an abortion� I almost died and shut my computer off that very second, just when I think I have been the most gulliable I have ever been I do something even worse. I fell for such a lie, here this man was so outraged over me going through losing my other 2 babies alone , acting so compassionate and how could they, and the first thing he asked me was about getting an abortion. I never talked to him from that day on. I went about my business and did my usual , called the doctor let him know I was pregnant, went in and got the blood test, was told it was positive. Scheduled the appointment for a week later fort the ultra sound, again nothing, I had lost the baby���. |
| Three months after I lost my second baby I lost my third, along with my heart and I was starting to think my mind because of how stupid I was to keep doing this to myself. I swore off men, that was it. It been 3 years since I had started my job and the market became hard to be in, they started to have layoffs, unfortunately I got hit by the 3rd one they had . Maybe in the end it was the best thing that could have happened to me, I had been chatting with a group of about 15 people from the computer that lived in California. They knew I had gotten laid off and urged me to take about 2 weeks and come out and meet them. I made arrangements to stay with someone from the group boarded a greyhound bus and took the 3 day trip to get here, I remember just looking out the window and reflecting on me and my feelings and how far I had sunk into this hole, how I just wanted to dig deeper and not have anything to do with life or anyone in it. That�s the one thing about driving that far, there was nothing else to do but think. I think it had been in Colorado that I did a little turn. I knew I was going to this beautiful place to meet new people and I had 2 choices, to either enjoy and move on and stopped mourning something I really never held or saw anyway, or I might as well have my coffin built and crawl into it now because the way I was living was not really living at all. Always being closed into my room, thinking how terrible a person I was to have lost 3 babies, how much god really didn�t like me. I was also getting short with people. I mean when someone comes up to you and starts bitching how their husband won�t take out the garbage it really makes you want to look at them and say what the hell is wrong with you, there are people out there losing babies and going through major stuff, if your only problem is that your husband wont take out the garbage then you have it made. It was then that I turned again and knew I had helped myself, I mean there were woman out there who went full term and delivered babies that never made it to go home, so there was worse and I should be happy I never went that far, so for as bad as even I thought I had it someone else had it worse. So off the bus I stepped into California and off to my new attitude.I had a ball and met some wonderful people, funny thing is 2 weeks turned to 3 and soon to 4. I had met this guy�..oh no! I can hear you all now. Don�t do it Lori and as I write this I am smirking. Into my life stepped Allen. Although this time was slightly different. When I had come out to California it was from the group of people I had been chatting with I met them though a chat room that was also part of an internet radio station. The guy I was staying with was a DJ so I would go with him while he did his shows. It�s funny because I would start making comments to things he said so then next I knew I was almost worked into the show as �intern Lori� one of the chatters that had heard me called the station and we talked one night, more joking. The station had club nights where they went and Dj�ed and the people from the chat room all would go. Allen had asked if I was going , it was a Sunday night. I had planned on it but the station was moving and we ran later than I had planned so we never made it. I saw Allen in the chat room and promised him I would be there the following Sunday. When I got there I hung out with all the station people and it was funny because when I walked up to the door I knew Allen right off the bat, he was my height with long dark curly hair, he was almost exotic looking , being his mother was Japanese and his father Caucasian. We hung out the rest of the night and talked, he was so kind and funny. I couldn�t believe I had met someone like that but knew I would not go as fast this time. I had talked to him the next night on the phone. It must have been at least 5 hours. I remember going to bed at like 5 am and him having to be at work by 8. I thought it was sweet that someone thought I was so worth staying up that late for. The next night Allen asked me to dinner, I accepted and we went out and had a great time. We went on quite a few dates and soon after he had given me the keys to his apartment, he wanted me to hang on to them, not to come over but to move in. I was shocked but felt in my heart that this was THEE man for me, for the rest of my life. |