| Finally all tucked in zippered up and tied I asked god one more time to please help me and then headed for the office. The doctor was already sitting when I entered, he had told me he saw nothing but my uterus looked as if it had stretched, he said I would be very early and that he wanted me to give it a week, it may be that the baby was so small he couldn�t see it. I could live with that, or could I? A whole week of walking around wondering, and the of course your friends who say �don�t think about it Lori� I wish for once someone would explain to me how to not think about it. I think people say that for lack of knowing what else to say and I understand but at the time you just don�t want to hear, or hear what�s meant to be will be. Maybe that is why I didn�t speak about it much, I just kept everything inside and to myself. Eveytime I thought I had faced the longest day of my life the next one would be even longer. I swear I aged 2 years in one week. Josh and I had not talked about it much but he had seemed to warm up to the idea he bought lots of fruit and juices instead of soda and I tried to eat well. The morning came to go back to the doctors and again I went again, again the ultra sound showed no baby. I had miscarried the baby those were about the only words I remember, the doctor never said lets see why it happened, it just happened. I had never felt so much pain in my heart welt up at once, I tried so hard to not cry while I was at the doctors office because you know you have to go out into the waiting room where pregnant women are waiting to see the doctor next, I didn�t want everyone to look at me there all alone and crying, it didn�t work pain like that can not be hidden. I made an appointment for a week later for a check up and got out as fast as I could. I sat there in the parking lot for about 20 minutes befor I could even drive, my eyes were full of tears and I was crying to the point I couldn�t breathe well. As soon as I got home Justin could tell right away. He gave me a hug and said it just wasn�t meant to be. I didn�t know what to say no words were good at the time. How could it not have been meant to be? I waited 7 years to get to that point. I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep and pretty much stayed in that type of state until my next appointment the next week. My mind would soon be turned to a different path, while I was in for my check up the doctor did a breast exam, and had found a lump. All I could do was close my eyes for a split second and ask god in my head what I had done that was so bad. I had scheduled a mammogram for the next week. Throughout my life there was one question I had but never asked. When my mother was pregnant for me her mother died. I decided to give her a call and find out, she told me her mother had died from liver cancer that had started in her breast. I couldn�t believe my ears. I hardly had time to even go through a mourning period over miscarrying the baby and I had to jump into this. I went the next week and had the mammogram, of course they never have the results right there. I think it was about 3 days later that they had called and told me they needed to do an ultra sound on my breast, of course they didn�t say why so it left me to wonder if something was really wrong. I scheduled it for the next day and went to the hospital where it would be done, I sat in the waiting room, alone again. In the end it wasn�t so bad, I had a tumor but it was benign and would break itself up, it did and had not returned to this day. I was actually quite surprised. I bounced back from my sadness of losing the baby really and fast and because of that I felt guilty. I came to realize I did that because it was so hard for me to accept I could really be pregnant that I didn�t ever really let it be real. Again it took its toll on my relationship. I could see it was more important to me than Justin, and understandably he was younger than me and he liked to drink and party, by this time I had given all that up. I had decided that I should move out of the house, I stayed with a friend I had worked with until I had found my own place. In sense that was odd in itself, I had never lived alone and it was a small place that needed a little painting but nice none the less. |
| I was there for about a week when I got a call, it was from John , first time I had talked to my husband which he was still legally my husband since I left. He was in town visiting his family and asked if he could help me with anything, well ironically at one time in our marriage John had owned his own painting business. I asked if he would help me paint my place and he eagerly offered to do some nice things to it. He came over the next night and helped me paint of course we didn�t finish it so he went back to his parents and said he would be back the next night. It was looking great but it still had a lot to go so I was excited he would come back to help me work on his vacation. I made dinner that night and we painted and then ate and then painted more. It was finally done and it was late and John was tired. He asked if he could stay for a bit and I said sure I mean he was still my husband. We sat up for about 2 hours and talked, talked better than we had through our whole marriage, he came over and gave me a hug and then asked if I wanted my back rubbed, he knew how much I loved that and of course I said yes, well the back rubber turned into something else and next thing I knew I had slept with my husband! It wouldn�t seem odd except for the fact that he had a girlfriend back in Illinois and a different one that he had left me for to boot! Once a cheater always a cheater. I let him stay the night and the next day he was on his way back to Illinois. I liked living alone it was nice, I could stay awake as long as I wanted cook when I wanted. For the first time in my life I had no one to answer to I still had my great job and was peaceful finally from losing my first baby a year ago. I would never forget it but was at ease with the fact it had happened. I figured if nothing else I knew I could get pregnant which I had already determined I couldn�t so there was one positive thing, and positive it was one month after my husband went back to his girlfriend, 2 pink lines. I remember my first reaction, I dropped to my knees and put my head in my hands and said �please not again� It wasn�t the fact I was pregnant. I was happy about that. I didn�t need to have my husband be there I mean I didn�t instantly fall back in love with him. I made a mistake and out of that came what he could never give me through our marriage living together. I did the usual took only 2 test this time and called the doctor to make an appointment. I think it was 2 days later. They took the blood test and it came out positive, I was on cloud nine, I had a great job lived alone and now I would have my baby, 2 days later that was threatened. I started to spot. It was at night and I didn�t want to wait in the morning for the doctor so I went to the emergency room. They said I would have to go to my doctor. The next day I was bleeding. So my appointment was for a week later. I went in and he examined me and said he felt a large mass on my right tube and had feared the baby was ectopic. I would have to have surgery, but not for a week. So for a week I would know there was a dead baby in my tube and I would have to wait, my body went through all the motions the morning sickness, being sleepy, tender breast. It was a daily reminder until they did the surgery to take the baby from me I would be forced to feel the effects of. On that very day that very moment after he told me the baby was ectopic the person I knew up until that time of my life died. I was just a shell going through the motions of work and sleep and life. I called into the shell of my apartment and would just sit there and stare out the window. The next thing I remember was the nurse coming in to give me a shot befor they took me down to surgery so I would relax, only thing is they never did, I laid there and laid there, she came in and told me the doctor would be late because he had to deliver a baby, that to me was a punch delivered when she left I remember asking god again what I had did in my life that was so wrong that I deserved this, my mother always told me god would never give me anything I couldn�t handle, �he must sure think a lot of me� I remember one tear sliding down my cheek while I laid in the room alone waiting for them to come and get me so they could take the baby from me |