| A few days later I noticed a slight pink after going to the bathroom, my heart sank and my face went pale. I sat there and just said �No� please god no. I layed in bed the rest of the day and it stopped. I think 2 days went by and everything was normal, this had been the longest I had held a baby. I usually would bleed 2 days after I was supposed to start my cycle. It was not 14 days past my due date. I think it was a few days later when the pink came back. I called my doctors and they set up an appointment for me to come in for an ultra sound. Again Johnny went with me which always helped me feel better. Same routine, I could almost be a doctor myself. I got up on to the table and waited for the doctor to come in, he asked me how I was doing and I let him know about my slight cramping and the occasional pink after the bathroom. He started to do the ultra sound, I almost knew what to look for, he didn�t say anything for a while and in my heart right then and there I knew the baby did not make it to my uterus, the doctor shortly after said the same thing. He let me know he could not see a sac and that my uterus seemed to not have expanded. They thought maybe I should wait a week to have another ultra sound, that maybe it was to early to see anything. In my heart I knew there was a problem and I think the doctor knew as well, Johnny again wanted to think positive which made me feel even worse because I did not want to let him down and I knew my body would or did. I tried to stay in bed as much as I could, they set my next ultra sound for about a week later. The slight cramping was always there it hardly went away. I think it was the morning of my next ultra sound that I really seemed to bleed for the first time. Not completely but enough. I let the doctor know when I got there and he still did the ultra sound, still nothing. He was concerned that the baby may be tubal so he wanted me to go the next day to the lab near where I work to get blood drawn to see where my HCG levels were at. I did so and they called me to let me know they went up from the last on which made it a higher possibility the baby was in my tube. They had me wait a week and had me go back again to have blood drawn so they could monitor the level of HCG to see if it went up or down. I went the next week again and the lady was surprised to see me for the same test, she asked if they were questioning if I was pregnant. I told her no and explained the situation, she crossed her fingers for me. I called the doctors the next day and was told that my HCG level had doubled, so I was still pregnant, it made me very nervous because it made the possibility even higher that the baby was in my tube which meant surgery and after having four already the idea did not make me happy. The nurse let me know if I started to bleed severly or had pains severly to go right to the emergency room. I remember the day as if it was yesterday, even though it has only been a little less than a 2 months. It was a Saturday and I started to cramp pretty good, to the point it hurt to walk. I laid in bed and Johnny and the boys were swimming. I was starting to bleed more and the cramping stayed. I laid in bed and Johnny gave me the idea to use a heating pad on my stomach , I did and it did help with the pain, until after about 2 hours of laying there I realized it really didn�t hurt anymore. I got up and went to the bathroom and without even looking could feel the baby coming out. Befor looking I just remember putting my head in my hands, it�s weird you know your going to lose it but when it happens it s like you never expected it. I was half very distraught and half relieved knowing I would not have to have surgery, and then I looked and there it was just waiting for me to flush it. I could write words forever for people who have never lost a baby, but even if I wrote for 12 years the way you feel that very moment you could never come close to understanding, and when it is number 6 it is just multiplied. I went out to the pool and looked at Johnny, he said are you ok, and I think he said right after you lost it huh? I said yes and went in and looked one more time and showed him and then just flushed, to some people they will debate with me about it being a baby, but what I flushed was my baby it is what it was and if that had never happened would be here in 7 more months so it was my baby. I don�t think I cried , I was afraid Johnny wouldn�t handle me being that way very well, and no one knows what to say when you are so I figure it�s better to just be the strong one, say it�s ok and go on. I think losing this one was the hardest for me because of the fact that I love Johnny so much and so much want that part of him and I mixed. It�s the hardest because my immune system was supposed to be the problem, this baby was supposed to be ok because I had gotten the infusion and had gotten so sick for it to be ok |
| So on June 29th 2002 I lost my baby. I think it took about 2 weeks for me to just break down and really cry, poor Johnny. It was bed time and I remember just all of a sudden crying and him saying whats wrong? And me saying � I want our baby back� poor guy didn�t know what to do. It didn�t last long. I pulled myself together and watched TV for a bit and fell asleep. From that day on I have not cried. I think about it everyday , I think about all I have gone through. I think about everyone telling me to give up, that I just can�t have a baby and should accept that. I am so frustrated with this whole insurance situation. If I went out and illegally did lets say heroine, and shot up all completely against the law and then I became an addict my insurance company would pay for my rehab, they would pay for something I not only did illegally but have complete control over, yet here I sit with no control over my immune system and my insurance will not cover it. I have searched many websites and in process found so many woman going through similar things. I do not have any comforting words for other woman who have lost babies and lost hope. I am not to that point yet. I can�t lose hope. It has to be with in each individual to know when that time has come. If I stop now because of everyone telling me I should I would question it for the rest of my life, How can anyone come up with a logical reason for someone to give up on their dreams. |