Through every experience we will go through in life, I have learned���we are not alone. I was never the only one going through this.
Why is it that they will do talk shows about people sleeping with their cousins or who cheats on whom? Why is the subject of infertility not spoken about? There are so many people who go through this and for the longest time I thought I was alone. So here is my story for those of you who feel the same thing, the range of emotions, and what I learned about life.
It�s so funny because I can almost remember it like it was yesterday. I was 12 years old, there were a lot of young kids in my neighborhood, girls to be exact. I used to see them try to find things to do and thought I would start my own neighborhood girl scout like group and go on nature walks and take them places with my dad driving and supervising. It was from that very thought, that very day I knew I couldn�t wait to be a mother. In a way it was almost odd because I would try to do all I could to torment my own mom. I think a lot of children go through that stage. Then teens came and I never really thought about boys but thought more about sports, of course as I got older I learned I would eventually need those boys to have a baby. I first started to date at about 19 years old and I think as most young girls I didn�t think about the openness you should share with your partner about wanting to have a baby. I had sex to have a baby, not because I truly loved who I was with.
I met someone who I moved in with, he was a bit wild and drank and smoked pot, it was from there that I started to pick up the habit too, mainly because I was so high strung and thought I needed it. All I could think about was how much I wanted to be a mother and all he seemed to think about was partying and having fun. Thing is , I can look back and see now at that age that�s what your supposed to be doing, so I joined in and just lived life and had fun, in the process I never really thought about getting yearly physicals and seeing the doctor. I didn�t stop the partying and having fun until I was almost 24, I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and moved in with my mother, she had a cabin up in the woods about 2 hours from our apartment. She wanted to go up for thanksgiving and asked me to go. I thought it would be such a nice escape. It was winter and the trees would be so pretty, lightly covered with snow, and I knew the raccoons would come right to the door and eat, biggest raccoons I had ever seen. For as long as I could remember I have loved the outdoors too. We got up to the cabin and on Thanksgiving day while everyone was cooking I decided to take a walk out into the woods. I have always been a deep thinker and at times had wished I had a switch to shut off such deep thoughts at times. I found an over turned tree and sat on the trunk. How peaceful the day was the sun was out, the snow clean and glistening, the snow was always clean because it was up in the mountains were not a lot of people were so it stayed clean. I remember hearing the birds chirping and that�s all I heard, I sat there in that perfect spot overlooking a valley on that perfect day and thinking how badly I wanted to be a mother so I could share things like this with my children, not everything was bad in the world. Again I remember hearing just the birds so you can imagine how startled I was when I snapped out of it and heard someone behind me. I turned to see 2 men coming torwards me in bright orange vest and hats with shot guns! They approached me and let me know I might not want to be in the middle of the woods in a brown jacket considering it was the prime time of the day for deer hunting. I laughed and agreed, and then took the time to notice a pair of nice green eyes. His name was John , he asked if he could walk me back and I said sure, not realizing he was hunting with the person I was having dinner with, not only that but he would be there for dinner too. We had a wonderful dinner and the more I spoke to John the more I wanted to get to know him, after dinner we took a walk out into the woods again and it seemed like I had known him for ever we talked about everything, including my desire to be a mother, I was surprised at his opinion on wanting to be a dad since he at the time was 19 and I was 23. He went home that night, he lived about 30 minutes away, of course he left with plans on coming back tomorrow night with his brother so we could play cards. He was right on time 8 pm. The night seemed to go fast since I was going back home the next day 2 hrs away, back to the city and noise and work. I remember it seemed like 5 minutes after I was in the door he called, and he called the next night and next night, he asked me to come spend Christmas with him and his family. I agreed I took a greyhound bus to see him and stayed a week, in that week he told me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me, how he could see himself with me forever. I don�t know if it was from my need to want to be with someone who loved me since I had just gotten out of the abusive relationship, but I fell into the fantasy. The week ended and of course it was back to reality. He again called as soon as I was home and asked me to come back for New Years Eve, I again agreed. John was different this time I knew something was on his mind, New Years Eve came and we spent it with his family I remember midnight coming and being completely sober because I had stopped drinking. Next thing I knew there was a cam corder pointing at me and John asking me to marry him, I don�t know where it came from but I had said yes, of course me being the deep thinker I am the next day sat and thought and wondered why I had said yes after only knowing this man for about 6 weeks. I guess I left it at that because I went back home quit my job left everyone I knew and moved to be with John. We had planned on being married September 8th of 1991 so it would have been a 2 year engagement, as time went on and I thought of the dress and the dream we all have from little girls of being a bride I got excited, I can�t remember where John and I were going but I remember turning to him and saying �you know if we are going to really get married why wait? � We decided to get married that September which meant our wedding would be 10 months from when we met, he agreed and that was that. I remember waking up the day of my wedding and thinking how excited I was, I got to get my hair and make-up done. I was 10 minutes late to the church, not my fault of course, and then it happened just like in the movies, just like in my thoughts and ideas, the music started and I was on my way down the aisle. I remember looking at everyone and then at my husband to be and thinking this is it I am on my way to my family, to having the baby that since 12 I had wanted. The wedding was beautiful and the reception was so much fun. So I was close, close to my honeymoon night, of course I wouldn�t get to try to start my family right yet, as luck would have it I started my period right befor my wedding! I should have looked at the calendar and scheduled my wedding day to my ovulation time. I am kidding of course.
I got married September 8th 1990. |
