Title: Bananas and Mixing Bowls
Author: Secret Art
E-mail: [email protected]
Date: 18th November 2003
Category: Attempted humour, general silliness, rudeness
Pairings: none
Spoilers: none
Summary: Jack receives an interesting e-mail.
Feedback: can only make me better
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and
story are the property of the author.
Author’s note: The long awaited sequel to Rude Banana, I have been planning this for a while, but my muse has only just decided what it wants me to write.
Bananas and Mixing Bowls
Jack had been sat at his desk, drinking coffee and trying to write a report when a beep announced the arrival of a new e-mail message.
Putting his pen and the report aside, he opened the e-mail, becoming slightly suspicious when the computer would not tell him who sent it.
Leaving the message unopened, he went back to his report, but it was barely five minutes before curiosity got the better of him, and thinking to himself that Carter would fix any problems he turned back to the computer and opened the e-mail.
HOW TO MAKE LOVE
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
He sat at the computer, report forgotten, reading the e-mail over and over, checking that it did say what he already knew it said, wondering who would dare send him something like that. Teal’c might, but he wouldn’t know how to block his address, come to think about it Jack could only name a half dozen people that would be able to block their addresses and he didn’t think any of them would dare to send it to him.
Sam stands outside his door, looking in, waiting for the right moment to enter.
Finally convinced the Colonel has read the e-mail Janet convinced her to send him, she enters, careful to keep her face neutral, but smiling inside at what she had planned.
“Hey Carter,” he says, looking up, noticing that something is off about, but unable to place what it is.
“Hey Colonel,” she replies smiling at him, “What you up to?”
“Reports” he answers, tilting his head in the direction of his forgotten report.
“Oh, well a few of us were thinking of meeting up at the commissary, you interested?” shed asks, waiting until he has brought the coffee up to his lips before adding, “I feel like a banana.”
He spits the mouthful of coffee out all over his reports, and she tries to maintain a shocked expression, made more difficult by the fact that inside she is laughing.
“Colonel?” She asks, and he looks up, noticing her shocked but vaguely amused expression and realising that she is probably wanting an explanation.
He looks at her with a 'don't ask' expression and she nods, and he is vaguely worried that she is not more curious about what happened.
Hearing a knock at the door they both turn to see Daniel enter.
He walks in and immediately notices the spilt coffee, and smiles, before turning to look at Sam who is staring at him in confusion, wondering how he knows what is going on.
"Janet," he mouths at her with a wink, turning quickly to check whether Jack had seen, relieved to see him occupied with the coffee spillage.
"You coming to the commissary Jack?" he asks, looking again at Sam, who winks to silently communicate that she is ready to have some fun.
"Yeah," Sam answers, "I feel like a banana."
Jack who had been just about to take a drink from his coffee, carefully places it as far away as he can, before turning back to the conversation.
"Yeah, I could do with a banana about now," Daniel replies, causing Jack to cough, Daniel shares a look with Sam before they both turn to look at Jack, concerned looks on their faces, which he removes with a wave of his hand.
"You ever tried banana bread?" Sam asks, trying desperately not to break out laughing.
"No," Daniel replies, slightly worried what Sam has planned, but willing to play this through to see what Jack's reaction will be.
"Well, it's really easy to make," she starts barely able to hide a grin, "you just need to stick three or four large bananas into a mixing bowl with a few other ingredients."
"Four bananas?" Daniel asks, knowing that they won't be able to keep this up for much longer, as Jack's jaw couldn’t drop much further.
"Yep, four bananas, the largest you can find, go into the mixing bowl," and looking at Daniel, who is desperately trying not to laugh, and Jack, who looks about as shocked as he could be, and she decides to finish the torture with the sentence..."all four bananas go into the mixing bowl at the same time."
She just manages to get the last word out before her and Daniel burst out laughing.
Jack, meanwhile, watches the pair of them burst out laughing, and realises that they set him up.
"You sent me that e-mail didn't you?" he asks Sam, trying to sound angry, but the grin on his face giving away his humour at the situation.
"It's Teal'c's fault!" Sam counters.
"How?"
"He sent me the e-mail," she replies with a shrug of her shoulders, laughing at their shocked faces.
"I'm really going to have to have a conversation with that guy about his e-mails;" Jack comments as the three of them set off towards the commissary, causing Sam and Daniel to share a look, this could be an interesting conversation.
The End