Dear Bn,

I am writing this note to you before I read the letter you just gave me. I want to make sure I am giving you my thoughts free of any reactions I might have to your letter. After your letter, I am sure I will have other comments, too.

There has been some kind of change going on in our relationship the last few months. I've been aware that something has been uneasy , but not sure why or what. And it could all be going on with ME. What ever it is, the result has been that I have been hesitant around you, avoided calling you, and perhaps insensitive to you.

I have found myself apologizing to you too many times for saying, doing or NOT saying or doing something that I could tell upset you, hurt you. I have wondered if I always needed to apologize - was I the one always causing the hurt? Were you being too sensitive, expecting too much. I am reminded that I have learned this about myself, however: I have been insensitive to some special people in my life, and intentionally or not, have caused them pain. I never intended to hurt you, but I'm not surprised if I did. You and I both are sensitive people, we wear our feelings close to the surface. You do it more than you like to admit. But nevertheless, the pain is still painful! I am sorry for the hurt I may have caused you. And I am sorry for the change in our relationship that I sense is near.

These feelings that I have lately towards you are puzzling to me. When we are together, I always have a good time. You are always fun to be with, always caring towards me, always willing to go with the flow and be friendly with friends and acquaintances. I still find you very attractive, exotic, erotic and an unbelievable lover!

So I find myself asking what is going on with us? Why, if I have these great feelings and times with you, am I sometimes avoiding you? I bet you are asking yourself the same thing...

Over the last year that we've known each other, you have told me several times how you just want to have a "normal" life; to have someone special, to just do ordinary things with a man who makes you the most important person in his life. I have come to realize how significant this is to you, and how much you really need a person like that. You have also shared with me how painful your life has been at times in the past (and present); how being different and exotic is something you both love and hate. And you have bravely revealed to me how you hoped I would be that man who made you feel special and "normal". You told me that you fell in love with me.

Do you know how close I came, several times, to falling in love with you? I found myself strongly pulled towards you - as a friend, a lover and a "significant other." This surprised me - because I did not think that I was ready for this kind of a relationship again in my life. Not only did it surprise me, but apparently it scared me, too. And what do all brave men do when they are scared? They run, of course!

Right or wrong, I pulled back from you, avoided you, perhaps was insensitive to you. We have gone back and forth with our relationship several times, trying to figure out what works best for both of us. I thought we had found the balance, but apparently not. I knew this recently when you would call to ask to get together, I would say I couldn't and I could hear the hurt in your voice. And when I realized that I hadn't talked to you in several days not because I couldn't (there HAVE been some of those busy weeks, but it was more than that), but because I was not sure what to suggest in terms of getting with you.

Sometimes I do just want to go to a movie with you, go shopping, sit and watch TV at your house, be normal. But because I know how important these simple things are to you; how much you need them in your life; I think I did not offer to do them for fear that doing so would make that love between us stronger - they would perhaps cause both of us to be more "in love" with each other - when I knew deep inside for me that I couldn't fulfill this kind of commitment.

We have shared much over the last year. Many special times, difficult times, many firsts! I have never known anyone like you - eloquent, immensy fun, a wonderful mother to a special daughter, defiantly unique, intensely sexual and erotic, and sometimes painfully different and sensitive. I have been truly blessed by knowing you and sharing some interesting and different times with you.

And yet I know I can't give you what you need. Part of me wants to, but I know inside I can't be this person you need in your life. Not now, at least. Perhaps this is why I pull away from you. You know my life - the other people who are important to me, the lifestyle that is important to me. You have always accepted this, but I sense that lately my life is causing you pain. Without having read your letter, I suspect that you will tell me that this kind of relationship that we have, whatever it is, cannot go on.

As has happened before with us, I understand, but I don't like it. I wish there were a way for us to continue to be friends and lovers without the uneasiness and fear of commitment, or noncommitment, between us. I am still willing to try to find that balance, but not at the cost of our friendship.

You MUST hear and believe this. You are my friend. You will always be my friend. I cherish the friendship we have above all else we have had. You will not get rid of my friendship without a fight! We have many memories together, many to recall some night when we're drunk and uninhibited.

As your friend, I want the best for you. I am not the best for you. You need someone different from me to give you what you want and need. And that person will be almost in disbelief over how special and wonderful a person you are, and how I could not have fallen in love with someone like you. And they will be right.

Through good times and bad, I want to be one of your best friends. I need you as a friend in my life; I hope you feel the same. I do love you. I always will.

Your Friend.