Dear Friend,

You once asked me what I would change in you, in our relationship if I could. The answer is so simple, so complicated. I would wish for two separate yous, if only it were possible. One, a playmate who would share with me the unlimited fantasies of life, who would frolic with me naked in the moonlight. The other, a soulmate, a true friend with whom I could share myself, who would hold me close to watch the quietness of a moonrise.

With that wish being unrealizable, I have gravitated to the path of least resistance, the one with which I am most familiar. The choice, though easy to make today, will be one I may come to regret some day. As playmates, we will be together for a while and make memories that will last me a lifetime. As friends, we could have touched each others hearts, shared each others lives for a lifetime. For me, there is a vast difference between the two.

Our relationship is once again casual, the pressures of deep emotions having dissipated in the wake of an aborted attempt at true friendship. The term "friend" is now just a euphemism for the sexual partners we have become. Now don't get me wrong, I am NOT complaining. I am, in fact, having the time of my life. I am simply taking a reflective moment to realistically view where we are at this moment. With it's quicksilver nature, it may change many times before all is said and done, but for now sex is paramount.

Lunch together no longer consist of a private table for two at a restaurant to converse about our lives, our jobs, our kids, etc. Lunch is now a quickie at your place and a snack in the car on the way back to work. There are no end of the day phone calls to delve into the thoughts and emotions, the psyche of a friend. There are only quick calls to confirm time and date of the next rendezvous. There is no reaching out to share the good times and the bad. No more backrubs to simply release the tension. No coffee over the Sunday paper. No watching TV in our sweats. Nothing to our relationship that does not lay the foundation for sex.

I was not, am not seeking the "tradional" relationship for us. Neither of us is at that place in our lives right now. I just wish that I, personally, had been able to find a balance between the friendship and the sex, to have somehow reconciled the soulmate with the playmate without having to give up one for the other.

I had, at one point, begun to search for a sense of pattern to our budding friendship. And just as the emotions seemed to organize themselves and patterns began to emerge, I panicked and abandoned the effort. Had I had the strength of my convictions, the trust in reciprocation, I might have stayed the course. Had success been possible, I think the enhancement to our time together would have been phenomenal.

But what the hell - having great sex...life is good.

Bn.