From: KENYON::RADAKS "And she said 'I love you' and made life worth liv
ing" 7-SEP-1993 11:34:30.78
To: RADAKS
CC:
Subj: Raging Bull VI (The vacation edition sequel)
It's really been a long day at work hasn't it ? Doesn't making your
own money really suck ? Or are you one of the lucky ones who actually likes
his/her job. Well if you're one of those people I have just one thing to say
to you... YOU CAN KISS MY CHOCOLATE AND VANILLA (buttocks). Hey ! What's with
the censorship ?!! Back to what I was saying; after a long day at work I'm
sure you just want to sit down and relax for a while. Kick back and take it
easy. You surely don't want to look at the mail and see all those bills with
your name on them or listen to the mindless drivel of a certain psychotic
person you happened to have accidentally, in a fit of stupidity, given your
address to. Well I sympathize with you and this time I promise that this
letter will be crystal clear. NOT!!!!!! Who do you think we're trying to kid.
By the time you're done reading this, you'll be left in the usual fog of
incomprehension, made worse by the fact that I have absolutely no intention of
telling you what all of this is supposed to mean (because I don't know myself).
So without further ado, apology, or redeption, I present the long awaited
(feared ?).....
RAGING BULL VI :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
(This month's discount was on colons, we don't know what to do with them but
they sure look cool.)
Subtitle: Make it stop ! Make it stop !
NOTE: Can you believe you've been subjected to six of these. And although many
of you have matured over the last 10 months, this publication refuses to learn
anything
WARNING: Some parts not suitable for adults, immature guidance is suggested.
WARNING: No parties under 18 are permitted to read this publication unless they
can say they are eighteen very convincingly
WARNING: This product should not be used while under the influence of alcohol
or any other mind altering drug. Spellbinder Productions and Nineteen Nineties
Studio take no responsibility for any damage caused to the mind if these
products are mixed.
NOTE: Spellbinder Productions and Nineteen Nineties Studio take responsibility
for nothing unless hunted down and cornered.
And with that, here it comes
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
- I'll do it tomorrow
- They won't mind
- They can't fire you for that
- What we're going to do is take this hammer...
- I wonder what would happen if...
- I'm sure if you just tell them what happened, they'll be understanding
- Don't worry about it
- I don't need to hire a professional, I can fix it myself
- Hand me the sledgehammer, will you
- It's the green wire
- Of course I'm sure
- That paper isn't due until the end of the week
- They don't really check that
- What does this button do
- It's not really empty when the needle hits "E"
- This won't take long at all
A PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE
Some of you people worry too much ! Stress is a bad thing and very
unhealthy. But I understand that some of you have a little trouble putting
things in perspective; so we're going to do it for you. Aren't we nice ? You
might change your mind after you read this.
Nineteen Nineties Studio presents TROUBLE and BIG TROUBLE
TROUBLE BIG TROUBLE
1. No toilet paper No toilet paper, your date is coming,
nobody's in the house except your
little sister who hates you and there
is no paper or towels around
2. You don't have your paper done You don't have your comps done at the
end of your extension and it is
promised that you will fail if you
don't turn them in
3. You're drunk You're drunk, you're hanging out with
a bunch of seedy characters, you're
getting amorous with a member of the
opposite sex whose face you can't see,
and you don't have any friends around
to keep you from doing something stupid
4. You hit a car. You hit a police car, while not wearing
a seatbelt, at 90 mph, with expired
license tags, unpaid speeding tickets
and parking tickets in the glove box,
and an empty bottle of Absolut in the
back seat.
(You'd better hope you die in this
crash. Then again see number 7)
5. You accidentally walk into You walk into a conference room filled
the wrong room with Italians in suits, many of which
are reaching into their suits
6. You broke something at work You broke something worth more money
than you'll make in the whole summer,
and people saw you do it.
7. You're dead You're dead and you find out that God
is not to forgiving, you took up the
wrong religion, and the cop you hit
was a personal friend of his.
Now doesn't that make you feel better ? Hey, these things could
happen. As long as they don't happen to you, you have nothing to get upset
about.
Have you ever heard something that sounded good at first but when you
really thought about it, the idea wasn't so hot after all. Well, here are a
few things that never made it to that thinking stage.
THINGS THAT SOUNDED GOOD AT FIRST
The Edsel
Bill Clinton
Dinner in Gund
Life in Gambier
Drinking
Any Plymouth, Chrysler, or Dodge car
Lunch at Peirce
All-nighters
Classes
Joining a fraternity/sorority
Any paper at 5 A.M.
No-Doz
A or 1st period classes
Subscribing to this dis list
A LITTLE EDJUBACATION
There are a lot of things we encounter in our collegiate experience
and one of those things is the changing of definitions of words. A lot of
words, phrases, and quotations often mean the something totally different than
their literal interpretation. Well, once again we have come to the rescue with
a compilation of some of these terms, defined for their actual meaning.
Spellbinder's Dictionary of Terms, Phrases, and Quotations for College
1. affordable education - whatever you can afford, the first twelve years are
free
2. assume - accepted: "You make an ass out of you and me"
Spellbinder's: "You make an ass out of you in front of me"
3. education - one of the top three reasons why students go to college.
While success is not mandatory, the pursuit is necessary
4. financial aid - the minimum amount of money the government can give a
student so that she/he can afford to go to college by
having her/his parents sell everything they own (see
affordable education
5. food - we don't know the meaning of that word here
6. "He's special, you know" - He's stupid
7. inebriation - one of the top reasons why students go to college and hate
Sunday morning. Fun while it lasts but usually hell to
pay later if incorrectly pursued.
8. money - we don't know the meaning of that word either, but then again
what college student does ?
9. procrastination - we'll tell you later
10. Saturday night - we don't remember (also: You mean it's Sunday ?)
11. sex - a definite must. Number one recreational (or is that procreational)
pastime at Kenyon college and probably a lot of other schools that
are keeping it on the low
12. study habits - mythical code of ethics that compels one to study and do
one's work well ahead of the due date
Much to your dismay this might become a regular feature
And now the finale
THE LIFT EVERY VOICE AND SING SECTION
My friends, the time has come...TO EMPTY YOUR POCKETS!!!!! As they say
in the 142nd Street Church, "Give before it hurts." Many of you are probably
feeling the crunch of the Kenyon tuition bill (memories of the dark looks I
received for my second semester credit have shown me the demeanor in which
these are received) and are now standing on the tenuous ground of trying to
figure out what to do about it. Well, while you are panicking and thinking of
about tall buildings to jump from the top of or looking for untimely demises
for rich relatives we just want you to keep this song in mind when you think
about the assistance your friendly government is going to give you.
Every Cent You Make
(sung to the tune of "Every Breath You Take" by The Police)
(Credit must be given to Scott Krell for the idea to use this song)
Every cent you make
Every lucky break
We will have your cake
Cause we're on the take
We'll be taxin' you
Every single way
We can take your pay
And you have no say
We'll do what we may
We'll be taxin' you
We don't want to hear
How you're poor this year
And you're financial aid
Is not getting paid
Oh for goodness sake
Stop with the heartbreak
Cause we'll cry a lake
But our tears are fake
We'll be taxin you
Since you're here give me all the cash you have
And since I took it I guess I'm keepin' half
Don't make no difference that your car is out of gas
If you don't like it you can kiss my hairy ass
So keep on cryin' baby, baby, please
We don't want to hear
How you're poor this year
And your financial aid
Is not getting paid
Oh for goodness sake
Stop with the heartbreak
Cause we'll cry a lake
But our tears are fake
We'll be taxin' you
Every cent you make
Every lucky break
We'll be taxin' you
And that's all folks (thank God!!). Seriously I hope you have as much fun
reading this as I did writing it.