From: KENYON::RADAKS "Intelligence is purely conjectural." 22-NOV-1993 2
0:39:53.55
To: @SPELLBINDER
CC:
Subj: The End of an Era
Aren't you just tired of getting dumb shit on your e-mail ? Doesn't it
just really piss you off ? Well, that's just TOO DAMN BAD !!!
Straight from the annals of a very sick mind. Nineteen Ninties Studio
presents
RRRRR A GGGGG IIIII N N GGGGG BBBBB U U L L !!
R R A A G I NN N G B B U U L L !!
RRRRR A A A G GG I N N N G GG BBBBB U U L L !!
R RR A A G G I N N N G G B B U U L L !!
R R A A GGGGG IIIII N NN GGGGG BBBBB UUUUU LLLLL LLLLL !!
"READ MY LIPS"
"I AM THE EDUCATION PRESIDENT"
"I'M WITH THE GOVERNMENT, I'M HERE TO HELP YOU"
"EAT IT. IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"
"I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THE FOOD HERE"
"I FINISHED THAT PROJECT LAST WEEK"
"NO, THERE ISN'T ANY WORK I COULD BE DOING RIGHT NOW"
"I GET PLENTY OF SLEEP HERE"
"THIS PAPER IS GOING TO BE EASY"
"I GOT AN 'A' ON MY DRAMA PROJECT"
"I AM NOT A CROOK"
"GAMBIER ? OF COURSE I'VE HEARD OF IT"
"MY ROOMATE DOESN'T HAVE ANNOYING HABITS, IT'S ALL MY FAULT"
"LET'S GO TO THE LIBRARY ON FRIDAY NIGHT"
"I AIN'T DRUNK" (LURCH, STUMBLE, SPEW)
"CAN I DO YOUR PAPER TOO ? I JUST CAN'T STOP"
"YES, I DID READ EVERYTHING ON THE SYLLABUS"
"OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING"
"I DID NOT DO THIS PAPER LAST NIGHT"
"I STUDIED ALL WEEK FOR THIS TEST"
"PARTIES, WHO GOES TO PARTIES"
"THIS IS A SUBSTANCE FREE CAMPUS"
"THERE'S NO PLACE TO GET BEER HERE IF YOU'RE UNDERAGE"
"THIS KEG BEER SURE IS GOOD"
"WE ARE NOT SERVING ANY DRINKS AT THIS FRAT PARTY"
"IT'S NOT BEER OFFICER, IT'S HALITOSIS"
"I WASN'T FUCKING THAT GIRL WHO STAYED OVER LAST NIGHT"
"I REMEMBER THAT GIRL STAYED OVER LAST NIGHT"
"OF COURSE I KNOW HER NAME"
"THE BROWNS ARE UNDEFEATED"
"THAT DANTE WAS GREAT. GIVE ME MORE"
"I CAN'T PUT THIS HOMER DOWN"
"I CAN DEFINE JUSTICE"
This has been a Spellbinder production, givin' it to 'em below the belt
where it hurts because after all; they deserve it. More dumb shit to come as
soon as I think of it.
Do you remember this ? One year ago today the madness of Raging Bull
began. Spawned from the mind of a particular neurotic and cynical friend, a 12
month reign of terror was instituted on the accounts of his friends. Ain't
that gratitude for you. For one last time, he constructs yet another assault
at all that no one holds sacred. For one last time let us ridicule those who
really deserve it. For one last time let us watch and know that coming into
pasture for the last time is...
RRRR A GGGGG IIIII N N GGGGG BBBB U U L L !!
R R A A G I NN N G B B U U L L !!
RRRR A A A G GG I N N N G GG BBBB U U L L !!
R RR A A G G I N N N G G B B U U L L !!
R R A A GGGGg IIIII N NN GGGGG BBBB UUUUU LLLLL LLLLL !!
Chapter 7: End of the Line.
ABNORMAL ACADEMIA
Okay, kids. Picture this. Some few years down the line (or not so few
for some of our readers) you'll be graduating from this upstanding (mostly
staggering) establishment. But of course you don't really expect to graduate
from here without one more final exam. Not on your life! But we at
Spellbinder Productions have decided to make it a little easier for you. We
have become privy to (stolen) a copy of the graduate final. We hope that with
the questions in mind, you'll take up a hardy pursuit of the answers. Without
further ado, here is...
THE KENYON COLLEGE GRADUATE EXAM
DIRECTIONS: You will have two hours to complete this exam. After you have
completed the test please notify the test adminstrator. The administrator will
collect your test booklet(s) and you will be dismissed from the testing area.
Please leave immediately from the testing area when you are dismissed so that
other students may work undisturbed. Any attempt at communication with other
students still taking the test will be construed as a form of cheating and will
be dealt with as such. We trust that you do not need to be reminded of the
Academic Honor Code. Please read each question thoroughly before attempting to
answer it.
1. In front of you are eight different forms of alcohol, divided by color into
two groups. Each form of alcohol is indistinguishable from the members of its
group by color. However, each are distinguishable enough by taste to be
recognized and identified by brand name. Name each sample of alcohol, its
popular brand name, and its proof. (NOTE: If alcohol impairs your ability to
use your cognitive functions, we suggest you save this question for last. If
you are pretty sure you're going to fail this test anyway, we suggest that you
start with this question so that you may feel less inhibited about answering
the remaining questions.)
2. Imagine you are an underage drinker. It is Saturday night and you are
looking for liquor.
A) Describe in detail how you would go about finding a buyer to get
you alcohol.
B) Describe in detail how you would go about finding sources of free
alcohol in the event that a buyer or sufficient funds were unavaila-
ble.
3. You are of legal age to purchase alcohol. Describe how you can use this to
pick up freshmen.
4. You've just hooked up with someone at a fraternity party. You have come to
some form of sobriety and realize that picking this person up was NOT a good
idea. You have to get away smoothly. Detail your escape line.
5. Today is your birthday. Your friends want to throw you a party. Explain
how you would give a viable excuse for not having your paper done the next day.
6. Describe Gambier in 1000 words. No repetitions or references to Kenyon.
********************************************************************************
RIDICULOUS RECREATION
Why does most of the final deal with drinking ? Because I'm not having
sex so I don't know anything about the other favorite pastime here at Kenyon
(besides what Scott and Sarah try to tell me about it!). Because I am a very
selective drinker, I'm getting farther and farther away from that scene as
well (very soon I won't have anything left to do here!). However, I have not
drifted so far away as to not hear about some of the wilder escapades resulting
from the imbibing of too much of the spirits. I have you people in mind as I
write this next section.
GAMES FOR THE DRUNK
1. Hurdle the Scrotum Post - For all of you athletic types this is the best way
to get rid of some of that pent-up energy. There are no losers in this
game. The object is to vault the scrotum post as many times as possible
before somebody misses the jump. And the person who does is rewarded with a
quick trip to sobriety (and probably Knox County).
2. Room Invasion - What is getting drunk if you can't share it with your
friends who are suffering from acute sobriety. Show them what a true friend
you are by herding the rest of your drunken pals into their room to share
in your bucolic exburance. They'll thank you for it.
3. Love Connection - There's always one of your friends who isn't quite happy
being "available" (in fact after that third shot, he won't shut up about it).
Wouldn't it make his evening if you could find his soulmate among the many
single women at this fraternity party ? Go ahead. Find him that someone
special, that he's been looking for, even if it's the one spewing her life
into the toilet. You'll be doing him a favor.
4. Codebreaker - Nothing says friend more than trying to communicate a thought
over e-mail while lacking the motor coordination to hit the right keys.
Play involves managing to make it to a terminal and having at least the
capability to log in. The game play is heightened if the other party is
logged in and and drunk as well. Play continues until both parties realize
either that they don't understand each other at all or that one of them has
passed out on the keyboard and that no word in the English language has that
many g's in it.
5. Pretend - The object of this game is to convince as many people as possible
that you are not drunk when in fact you are total foobar. Extra points go
to players who can hold on to a spew until after the person they are talking
to has left.
6. Memory - This game is usually played the morning (or afternoon) after the
baccanalia. Players in this game try to remember events and people from
the night before when reminded of them. Extra points are awarded to those
advanced players who can get people to detail their whole night without
letting on that they don't remember a thing.
7. Pre-Memory - This is game for sober people. Don't get upset that you
couldn't join in the denegrated activities of the night. Get even! After
you're sure that your victim has consumed enough of the "holy water", start
a conversation with him. Be sure to plant lots of fake news, lies, and
suggestions into their head. Then turn them loose in a party where they'll
be sure to run into some of the subjects of your falsehoods. The mayhem
that will insue will be well worth your efforts.
8. Voiding - There are times when one must excrete the contents of one's body
immediately (to spew). This game involves the use of stealth to take care
of this function with as little disruption as possible to events going on
in the vicinity.
********************************************************************************
CHAOTIC CACOPHONY
In Raging Bull V I started a new trend by returning to an old talent of
mine, making song parodies. This started when I was about 12 years old after I
heard some pretty cheesy songs and decided that they needed a little
improvement. Since then I kinda forgot about it until the fateful day in June
when the memory returned, proving that I still have the mind of a 12 year old.
For this grand finale, I bring you the final rag (yeah, right!) on the ARA.
Gonna Pay Soon
(sung to the tune of R.E.M.'s "Man on the Moon")
What the hell is this on my plate, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I think there's been a really bad mistake, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I'm not sure that this meat is dead, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I think I need to make a trip to the head, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Let's play guess what should this be, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Doesn't really matter it's still shit to me, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Now everybody listen to this one, no need to become alarmed
We had a case of poisoning after this dinner, but don't be concerned
You can believe that you're gonna pay soon, gonna pay soon
You can believe that you're gonna hurl, you're gonna spew
I ate the Impossible Taco Pie, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Don't even ask me the reason why, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I feel like I'm gonna up and die, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Shouldn't have had that piece of pumpkin pie, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Now everybody listen to this one, no need to become alarmed
We had a case of poisoning after this dinner, but don't be concerned
You can believe that you're gonna pay soon, gonna pay soon
You can believe that you're gonna hurl, you're gonna spew
Here's a little tip for the never believers, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
We didn't think it could that bad either, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Just remember what it's really all about, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
The sillier the name, the faster it comes out, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Now everybody listen to this one, no need to become alarmed
We had a case of poisoning after this dinner, but don't be concerned
You can believe that you're gonna pay soon, gonna pay soon
You can believe that you're gonna hurl, you're gonna spew
***
Can't help but pick on the ARA in the last issue. It wouldn't be
Raging Bull without it.
The field is quiet. The Raging Bull has come to its final rest. The
ARA is there with a truck to salvage what it can. I shudder to think about the
meals forthcoming. For one year the rampage of Raging Bull has threatened the
e-mail (and snail-mail) waves with random bits of nonsense. Today it ends.
NOTE FROM THE MANAGEMENT: Don't get your feathers ruffled. This is only the
end of one of the features run by Spellbinder Productions and Nineteen Nineties
Studio. We are not going out of business by any definition of the word. After
all somebody has got to make your lives miserable. You might start to enjoy
yourselves too much without us around. So rest assured we'll be terrorizing
you in other ways. But somebody once said, "Quit while you're ahead." I like
to think I'm quitting before I fall any farther behind. So goodnight folks,
it's been real. See you in some edition of Alternative News.
DISCLAIMER: I never said it would be the best, I just said it would be the
last. I hate working on a deadline.
NOTICE: I'll be back.
WARNING: I'll be back.
CAUTION: I'll be back.
ATTENTION: If you've gotten this far, I congratulate you. The bathroom is down
the hall and to the left.
"I'm too old for this shit, but maturity is boring."
DANGER: I'll be back!