From: KENYON::RADAKS "Spellbinder" 19-NOV-1992 12:31:16.64
To: @MCBRIDE.DIS
CC:
Subj: Guess
S I L E N C E !
Silence surrounds you. You are standing in an open field. There is
nothing in sight for miles around. You are relaxed and feeling good. Suddenly
you hear a noise. At first it doesn't concern you, but then it starts to get
louder, it turns into a thunderous roar, it's getting closer. You turn to run.
It gets louder. You run faster. It's still gaining on you. Fear begins to
overtake you. You drop your lunch, you drop everything you're carrying, you
drop a load in your pants as you break into an all out sprint in an attempt to
get away. In your haste also drop your on of your school books and of course
you can't lose that. So, you stop and pick it up. The roar rises to a
crescendo and then it's upon you. There's no place left to run, no place to
hide, you stand tall and face the music. You turn and you stare right into the
face of....
NEWS FLASH:
Kenyon College has been named the most inebriated campus in the United
States. At Kenyon is our correspondent, Betty Ford.
BETTY: I'm here at Kenyon College, the most inebriated campus in the United
States. Joining me is two of the students, Mark Allison and Andrew Richmond.
Gentlemen, what do you think about Kenyon being named the most inebriated
college in the U.S. ?
MARK: I think it's definitely Ranier Day.
ANDY: Definitely !
BETTY: Could you explain Ranier Day for our viewers ?
MARK: Sure. Ranier Day is when me, Andy and a group of friends all get
shitfaced off of Ranier Beer.
ANDY: Shitfaced means drunk.
BETTY: That must be some good beer.
MARK: No actually it's the worst beer you can buy.
BETTY: I don't understand.
ANDY: We do this as a kind of penance and a show of our dedication to drinking.
BETTY: Oh...I see. Well that's all for us here at Kenyon.
MARK: Shall we go for eighty this time ?
ANDY: No, let's make it a hundred ?
And there you have it folks. Kenyon College the most inebriated
college in America. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program
RAGING BULL II !! The Quest for Truth
(So I didn't make the pattern this time, so what ! I didn't feel like it)
All Rights Reserved; to be violated. Anything you think about this
presentation is your own business and therefore we don't care. Void where
prohibited, prohibited where void, and generally disapproved of anywhere else.
WARNING: The Surgeon General has determined that reading this message could be
hazardous to your mental health and grade point average.
WARNING: The Surgeon General has determined that my sending things like this on
e-mail could be hazardous to my life.
This is a Nineteen Nineties Studio Production in association with the
Spellbinder whether he chooses to admit it or not !
And Now Here Comes the Bull !
THINGS YOU TELL YOUR PARENTS ON VISIT DAY
No, I didn't just clean my room up for your visit
Those are my roomate's beer cans
I always have clean laundry
Yes, I get my homework done before the night before it's due
My grades are fine
I don't spend week-ends partying
I don't drink
I act the same here as I do at home
I think about you all the time
THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A KENYON STUDENT SAY
To a police officer: That fast ? Boy I must be drunk !
To Sheriff Ray: Race you to the end of the street
To a teacher: I didn't finish my paper because I was drunk all weekend
To an ARA: No really, what is this shit ?
To your parents: No, make it next weekend. I just got a keg.
To anybody: Financial Aid ? Oh I don't need any.
REASONS FOR FINDING NO TOILET PAPER ON THE ROLL, AFTER THE FACT
You've been here way too often
The porcelain god is punishing you for Saturday night
You haven't paid the proper tribute
You haven't paid your tuition
You need to wash your hands anyway
You haven't been recycling it
You used up your 10 sheet ration
Payback for that "run for the border"
Revenge of the ARA
What do you think you have political magazines for
You're wearing clean new underwear
You look cute hopping around with your pants around your ankles
USELESS TERMS AT KENYON
Quiet Hours
Non-Alcoholic Beer
Good Food
Real Food
Pronouncable Ingredients
Homework
Study Habits
Cheap
Traffic
Radio Stations (Besides our own)
City
Town
Sober
Shopping
Budget
Not as good as the last one ? Don't understand this one either ? Well, who
asked you anyway ! It's sequel it's not supposed to be as good. Better luck
next time. Keep watching your screens for more Nineteen Nineties Studio
Productions.
Any similarities to any people living or dead are totally intentional
and they should feel free to be offended or pleased as they see fit. We don't
care cause there is nothing you do about so nyaah !