From: KENYON::RADAKS "Financial Dogfood..." 21-FEB-1996 19:32:50.76
To: RADAKS
CC:
Subj: AN IX
From the depths of an uncleansed mind comes the mindless ramblings of a
psychopath. Just when you were absolutely sure that the insanity had gone
away, like a bad penny, it turns up again. The obvious solution of breaking my
finger will not help you so don't even think about it (it would hurt a lot).
There's only one thing to do...start sending me mindless drivel of your own.
If you can't beat me, join me (it is your destiny!) and maybe then, you can
bear the thought of...
ALTERNATIVE NEWS
21 February 1996Volume 9
THE MONTH OF ENDLESS BIRTHDAYS
The month of February is filled with many birthdays; Sarah Claflin,
Jennifer Smith, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, etc. But none are so great
as the coming of age of a true genius (or fool, it could be seen either way).
This Saturday is the birthday of a magnificent work of human creation...ME!
Yes, that's right, the mild-mannered, humble editor of this journal turns a
knowledgeable 22 years old. All this week, large cash donations will be
accepted in his domicile of 711 Caples. Feel free to lavish gifts and
attention on this writer whenever you see him and he will be sure to remember
you when he is famous. Remember that's this Saturday, 24 February. Beatings
and beheadings will follow all next week for those who have not proclaimed
their undying love and affection in a suitable expensive manner.
COMPREHENSIVE EXAMS BRING OUT THE WORST IN KENYON STUDENTS
ENGLISH DEPARTMENT HELD HOSTAGE BY STUDENTS THREATENING TO READ
PROFESSORS ALL
OF MILTON'S PARADISE SERIES.
PHILIP MATHER TORCHED BY CHEMISTRY MAJORS. FIRE STILL BURNING AFTER TWO
WEEKS.
SAMUEL MATHER LAUNCHED INTO ORBIT BY PHYSICS MAJORS. PSYCHOLOGY
MAJORS ON
BOARD RUN TESTS ON PROFESSORS.
DRAMA DEPARTMENT FORCED TO LISTEN TO 12 YEAR OLDS RENDER HAMLET.
RELIGION MAJORS FIND PROOF THAT GOD HAS FORSAKEN ALL KENYON STUDENTS.
CLASSICS MAJORS TRANSLATE ANCIENT WITCHCRAFT TEXT AND SUMMON DRAGONS.
HISTORY MAJORS FIND THAT ALL HISTORY AS WE KNOW IT HAS BEEN FALSIFIED BY A
CIRCLE OF 10 OLD GUYS SMOKING WEED.
POLITICAL SCIENCE MAJORS REALIZE THEY ARE FULL OF SHIT. PANIC ENSUES.
ART MAJORS MAKE PROFESSORS INTO GARGOYLES. FAIL COMPS.
These and many headlines resembling them have plagued the papers of
late as comps stress overwhelms many seniors. The hopes of having comps
abolished has once again showed itself to be a cruel hoax and now students have
labored under the watchful eye of their advisors for their futures and their
degrees. This year however, dissension has arisen and the students have taken
over. The college has been shaken repeatedly by students revolting in their
respective departments. Security and Safety has been powerless to act as the
first act of the political science majors was to talk them into letting a
couple students "borrow" the Ford Explorer. Now left to patrolling on foot,
the security officers find themselves too little too late to prevent the
industrious students from carrying out their plots. Attempts to follow
suspected culprits' actions are being thwarted by master hacker, Steve Radak,
who admittedly is enjoying the chaos being spread. President Robert Oden
comments, "Well, they're just blowing off some steam. I think these reports
are being blown out of proportion." Less optimistic is Security and Safety
director, Melanie Remillard who said, "This is pure and simple anarchy. If
something isn't done soon, the students are going to be running this school,
not the administration. This needs to be nipped in the bud now. By the way,
have you seen our truck?" The administration had considered a food service
seige but discarded the idea immediately as they realized that no one would
really care. Plans to call in the National Guard have been put on hold due to
being connected to raunchy phone sex lines. Information and Computing Services
officials express regret now about using a digital switch controlled by
computer. Security officers, in a juvenile retaliatory move, are ticketing
cars for fun now so be careful. This writer's car has been ticketed several
times for being plain ugly.
AND WE WILL ALL GO DOWN TOGETHER...
As many of you are aware, a number of the readers of this publication
are facing the great unknown in a few short months. No, we are not talking
about the results of the pregnancy test, we are talking about life after
Kenyon. Over half of our current subscribers and the editor of this
publication will be graduating from four years of toil. Some will be going on
to graduate school, thus staving off the inevitable entry to the real world
(chickens!), the rest will be hurling themselves at full force into the job
market. We all know how difficult the job hunt can be so we the people at AN
being the caring souls that we are (isn't it getting deep in here?) have
compiled a list of possibilites for a selected few majors
ENGLISH
Best case - journalism, teaching, pre-professional graduate school
Worst case - spellchecking tires at Goodyear in Akron
Probable case - Devising "nifty" new slogans for the local McDonald's
HISTORY
Best case - research grant, professor, time machine operator
Worst case - researching the history of the AD's since 1904 for the lawsuit
Probable case - Carbon 14 dating the fries at Burger King
DRAMA
Best case - Broadway, Hollywood
Worst case - Appearing as a guest on Ricki Lake or Sally Jesse Rafael
Probable case - Doing commercials for Wendy's next to Dave Thomas
PSYCHOLOGY
Best case - graduate school, interning at a clinic
Worst case - being locked in a room for a long term study of the psychological
make-up of the British Royal Family
Probable case - Psychological demographics of Subway customers
INTERNATIONAL STUDIES
Best case - assignment in country of major
Worst case - confinement in third world country of major
Probable case - manager of McDonald's Siberia, or Arby's Beirut
CHEMISTRY
Best case - graduate school, research grant, internship
Worst case - taste testing ARA
Probable case - Trying to figure out how to cram even more preservatives into a
Twinkie
PHYSICS
Best case - graduate school, research grant, internship
Worst case - crash-test dummy for Ford
Probable case - heat lamp specialist for Ponderosa's Grand Buffet
BIOLOGY
Best case - graduate school, research grant, internship
Worst case - FDA investigator for ARA all over the country
Probable case - Task Force for finding out what breed of animal is really used
in fast food
POLITICAL SCIENCE
Best case - law school, politics
Worst case - PR director for the Ku Klux Klan
Probable case - shoveling shit literally in a stable
I think you get the point.
COLLEGE STUDENT GENGINEERS MARIJUANA-IMPREGENATED COW FLATULENCE
Just when you thought a Kenyon education wouldn't teach you anything...
One industrious biology major has made an incredible breakthrough in gene
engineering by creating a cow whose flatulence produces marijuana smoke.
Details are sketchy as was the student interviewed. The student preferred to
remain anonymous stating, "Dude! This like ain't legal, you know?" The
student did elaborate that the original task was a purely theoretical approach
to reducing the amount of methane in cow flatulence but plans were revised when
it was suggested by a few friends that a pleasant by-product would be more
interesting. The jimson weed cow was released back into some pasture in the
Knox County area shortly after this interview and just before a joint DEA,
Bureau of Science Etiquette, Humane Society, and Security investigation.
Security officer Bob Hooper told AN reporters, "Oh don't worry, we'll get them
next time. There's no way a cow can be brought here again without us
noticing."
In a related story, the number of fraternity pledge injuries at Kenyon
College has quadrupled in number and tripled at Mount Vernon Nazarene. Most of
the injuries have been sustained in pastures where students have been witnessed
sniffing cow behinds. The ventures have resulted in a kick in the face for
most but some of the accidents have been a little more esoteric. They include:
-one student was sat on by a cow (cows sit?)
-another student had a cow tipped on him by some townies
-three students were chased when they tried to sniff a bull
-one student was trapped in the middle of cow-bull sex
The most unusual injury was sustained by three students when one of them
decided to "flick his Bic" behind a cow just as it flatulated. One of the
students remarked, "We found the cow, but the refried beans we fed it weren't
working. So James thought we should light it up and see what happens. The
wad!" The cow suffered minor burns but is recovering nicely. The three
students suffered second and third degree burns to the face, hands and upper
torso. "It was like a blowtorch. Kinda cool and then very uncool!"
If you got this far, then you managed to survive the comeback.
Congratulations. Don't you feel like you have accomplished something?
*grin*