SURPRISE IN STORE FOR CLINTON AT THE INAUGURATION
President William Clinton will be in for a surprise when Inauguration
Day comes around next month. The Electoral College has completed an
investigation into the actual ballot count for the November 5th elections and
has found that the public did indeed vote overwhelmingly for Clinton for
President. However, the majority of the popular vote and 305 electoral votes
went to the write-in candidate George Clinton, the popular p-funk artist, Not
William Clinton, the incumbent President.
The Electoral College chose to announce William Clinton as the winner of
the election for a number of reasons. First of all, it was obvious that Bob
Dole did not win and they felt it was best to squash his hopes immediately.
Secondly, because there has never been a write-in winner for President, the
members of the College believed the results to be some sort of prank. Finally,
the College members agreed that if the results turned out to be genuine the
announcement proclaiming Clinton the winner would be at least half right.
George Clinton was unavailable for comment, but in a statement released
to the press, he said that he was very surprised by the results of the election
but that he has made a living giving the people what they wanted and he will not
shirk this responsibility. He quoted his gratitude quite appropriately by
ending his statement with the words, "Funk you very much!"
Congress has not yet released a statement on how they will deal with
the p-funk administration. However Newt Gingrinch was quoted as saying "I
don't expect that there will be a change in our policy of cooperation with the
executive branch, whomever serves as the President. Bow-wow-wow, yippie-yo,
yippie-yay."
Guess who's back? Would I let a little thing like graduating keep me
down? Nonsense! As long as I can still strike the keys and make a dis list,
you are always in danger of random and ludicrous mailings to your e-mail
account. Neither adversity nor distance can long keep me from sharing the
madness of my imagination with the populace. We're back in business, folks and
we are welcoming a brand new group of people into our midst. Welcome members
of the class of 2000. Many of you have no idea of the legacy that has come
before this moment and you have only had but a taste of what will come after.
Prepare yourselves for a journey to the far side. Welcome to the return of...
ALTERNATIVE NEWS
16 December 1996Volume 10
RADAK OUSTED FROM RICHMOND. POPULACE CHEERS
Resident-to-be, Steven C. Radak, was issued a court order to leave the
city of Richmond after members of the city council received a psychiatric
evaluation rating him below the mandatory sanity level required by the city for
residency. The governor also received a copy of the evaluation and ordered
Radak to leave the state at once. Radak has filed an appeal with the courts
but his motion for a temporary restraining order was denied so he was forced to
comply with the order.
The ACLU has chosen to represent Radak in his suit against the
Commonwealth of Virginia. Dr. Rev. Deacon Derrick Johnson has been appointed
his lawyer and made this statement to our reporter. "We believe that a great
injustice has been made against our client. Residency in any state should not
be dependent on what the government deems as sane. Look at how these people
behave. I challenge any one of them to prove THEY can passed that test. It
doesn't matter if our client has the mind of a 12 year old. That should not be
criterion for exclusion from residing in the state of his choice." Johnson
continued on but became monotonous and boring.
Radak is currently residing with his father and step family in Akron,
Ohio. Radak gave this statement to AN reporters. "It's only a temporary
setback. Here in Akron, I'm as sane as the next guy. What do those tests
prove anyway? Can I have my Lincoln Logs back now?"
Alternative News will keep you posted on the events of this story as
they happen and also on the subsequent investigation of Scott Krell, whose
sanity is being called into question as well for housing Radak. Sarah
Claflin's case was dismissed because she is a birth resident of the state and
therefore exempt from exclusion laws.
THE YEAR 2000 DISASTER
Technological society. Many of us take for granted the marvels of
technology that serve us in our everyday living. Each day our lives are
somehow changed by some new wonder tool that makes life a little less
toilsome. For those who cannot adapt, technology has scooted them out of the
way and a bold new generation takes their place. Technolgy; the wonder drug of
the masses. But what price are we paying for the life of relative ease that we
live in comparison to our parents and grandparents? Do our little amenities
make up for the cost?
Consider that right at this moment, a person with the right sort of
skills can find out anything and everything about you from their home computer.
Privacy has been sacrificed to the technolgy gods. Now people can pretend to
be you, or even worse, stalk you wherever you go. If you ever saw a movie
called "The Net", be aware that it is not too far from the truth. Our lives
are quickly being taken over by the computer.
Consider also the new breed of drop-out in the world, the Internet
junkie. Socially unacceptable in the real world, they submerge their lives in
the computer. Chat rooms, virtual worlds, call them what you will. These
people's lives revolve around interactions with people they have never met.
They have love affairs, friendships, cybersex; all through their keyboard. And
they consider their lives fulfilled.
Consider your car. If you own anything older than 1989 or 1990 you
might be able to open the hood and recognize some of the parts. You take your
car into the shop and you hear the mechanic talk about a bad alternator or
starter. If you own a new model car, you can't even replace the belt (one belt
drives everything instead of 3 or 4, if it goes, you're out of luck!) without
having to take your car to the dealer to get to computer reset.
Where am I going with all this? We live in a society ruled by the
computer and a general sense of apathy about changing convention unless it is
to our immediate advantage. The result is that we are now approaching a crisis
about the year 2000 because nobody bothered to think about what would happen to
computers that assumed it was 1900-something. Companies are hiring programmers
in droves to get their systems ready for the turning of the millenium.
Macintosh is laughing their heads off because they always had 4 digit dating
systems. IBM and the clone companies take a moment to pause and laugh at
Macintosh because they are going under anyway. Bigger, more, faster seemed to
work in one respect. How is this going to affect the common person?
Some of the more amusing aspects will be hospitals who haven't gotten
their systems updated in time will have children born in the year 2000 who are
already 100 years old; at least according to their birth certificate. Do your
checks still have 19__ in the date? Banks aren't required to honor checks that
are 100 years old. On the other hand, try opening an interest bearing account.
Your statement date will be 1900. Imagine the interest you will have when the
system finally recognizes the year 2000. One hundred years compound interest
will be quite pretty. Members of the class of 2000 will be able to claim
having graduated in 1900 and thus being 121 years old. Don't you all look good
for your age.
It won't be all fun and games. If you know anything about computers
you know that glitches tend to compound themselves and manifest unpredictably.
If you don't know computers, you can safely assume that something will go wrong
at some point. The fact that more things will go wrong at the turn of the
millenium will just be the state of affairs. Your ATM card gets eaten because
you owe the bank more than the national deficit. Your computer insists that
you are violating software licensing agreements and has taken the liberty of
calling the police through your modem. Your car believes it is a 1971 Gremlin
and runs like it. All of your mail goes to the dead letters office because the
computer insists that you could not possibly be that old and still alive.
Naturally these events are an exaggeration, but some interesting things
will happen because some computers will insist that the year is 1900. And if
the computer says so, then it must be so, right? Our lives are stored in
computers around the nation. When they have problems, we have problems. How
does one deal with a society who holds the computer as a god when mistakes
begin to happen. How do you tell someone that their god is wrong?
Those of you who have seen previous editions of Alternative News might
notice the change in style. We, the management have chosen to change our style
from personal satire to a more general satire of the world (and ourselves).
Because this is a relatively new direction in our writing, we will choose to
use this excuse for the brevity of this issue. Fear not, once we are more
comfortable with our style and sure of its reception, there will be more on the
way. Feedback is welcome and encouraged, and as always, we encourage
submissions from our readers. After all, putting Alternative News together is
fun, but we have never believed that we couldn't benefit from other viewpoints.
Plus it's less work for us! Hope you enjoyed this issue. Merry Christmas,
Happy Holidays, Seasons Greetings, and all that other rubbish.