From: KENYON::RADAKS "Blue Runner" 27-MAR-1995 21:50:31.73
To: @SPELLBINDER
CC: PRICE, WILCZEK, MILLERCE, COONEY, MARTINJ, GREENWOODS
Subj: Alternative News VIII
We're baaaaaaaacck! But we forgot the scary music soundtrack so you will just
have to use your imagination. Did you miss us while we were gone? Of course
you did. Well we did it on purpose so that you would appreciate our antics and
off-sense of humor. Alright, so we had writer's block!!!! Sue us!!!! You
couldn't really mind waiting...after all...where else could you turn for...
ALTERNATIVE NEWS
27 March 1995Volume 8
NATIONAL NEWS
I only wish I written this one folks. But this is actually true.
HOW TO REMOVE A DEAD WHALE
The Farside comes to life in Oregon.
I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on
videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent
a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale
that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the
carcass was placed on the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on
the theory that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of
being large objects.
So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan--remember, I am not
making this up--of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking is
that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten
by seagulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal.
So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of
dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty of
understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the
most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the
whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you
hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly,
the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear
a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of...MY GOD!" Something
smears the camera lens.
Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation
suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale
blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked
more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were
several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units. There was
no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt permanently relocated to
Brazil.
This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the institute we watch it
often, especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety. This is
a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway Division
and ask them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us
an estimate on the US Capitol.
Tom Mahoney, #9, Coast Guard Sqn.1/Div.13 CatLo
Sent to me via many people, ultimately from Greg Stone
-brooks m.
:-)=
LOCAL NEWS
New Rules for Singles Lottery Has Students Loading Up
In a surprise announcment by Robert Graves, Director of Housing here at
Kenyon College, it has been determined that the Singles Lottery will be decided
by an alcohol drinking contest. Graves commented that since drinking seems to
be the most engaged in activity on campus, the housing lottery would be made
more popular and accessible to students if it were determined by their drinking
prowess. "Let the whiners live in sub-free or summer-housed with someone who
has the same first name!" Graves quoted. At this point he began to laugh
hysterically and we thought that perhaps it might be time to leave. We did get
the details on how the lottery will be run however before we beat a hasty
retreat.
Scores will be determined based on a special formula which takes into
account the player's weight, sex, tolerance, and distance per hurl. Special
points will be added for discreetness and color. Each housing group will have
it's own special drinking match for interested roomers. The list is as follows:
Any unused single in fraternity division - Angus the Six-Foot Bong.
Drink until you drop.
Historic Dorms (Old Kenyon, Hanna, Leonard) - Shotgun. Best time
and most consistent scorers in the top 10.
Manning/Bushnell - Around The World. This is an endurance test because
some of these drinks are absolutely vile. Anyone who completes the trip gets a
double as a single at double rate and free cable TV. This contest is open to
all contestants if they can manage to survive their own lottery.
Woodland Cottage - The Social. Endurance drinking. All-night party,
must continually have drink in hand. Best picks go to those who consume the
most by daybreak (or are even still conscious).
Farr Hall - Mad Dog 20/20. Drink up!
Mather Residence - The American Light 500. And we do mean all 500
cans. No one leaves until they are done.
Watson - Smirnov Vodka...straight from the bottle! First to finish
gets a free trip to Knox County Hospital...and first lottery pick.
Caples - Empty The Trash Chute. We fill it with beer, you empty it!
Bexley/New Apartments - Drunk Driver. You are given a bottle of Jack
Daniels. After you empty it, you are given the keys to a car and shown a route
to get from New Apartments parking to Bexley parking. The first New Aparment
you hit is yours. If you manage to navigate your way to the end of the Bexley
parking lot, you will get a Bexley.
Substance-Free - Wired. The object is to chug down as many lukewarm
and flat Jolt colas as you can in 30 minutes.
-Liquor D-Press
CAMPAIGN 1996
With the Presidential election of 1996 just 20 months away we are
awaiting the usual barrage of primary candidates and the usual shovelling of
the horseshit to the American public. Surprisingly though, things are a little
quiet on the campaign front. Why is that? Because the party leaders of the
Democrats and the Republicans all know that they don't have a chance against
the dark horse independent candidate to come. Who is this man who is destined
to lead our country into a new age of prosperity? It is none other than Phil
Jordan. Last week, PJ announced to this publication, his intention to run for
the highest office. He said that he had given it much consideration and that
it was the next logical step from Kenyon College. He stated that he will miss
Kenyon College but he intends to keep his policy of having Open House hours.
Although a virtual unknown, PJ seems confident that he will be able to
get the college vote and the senior's vote. He hopes that his down home
values and his easy manner of speech will also win him a sizeable chunk of the
middle class vote. Campaign manager Sheila Jordan says that morale is high at
campaign central, and sponsors are coming in like the tide. Jordan plans to
make his candidacy public right after the Party nominations for their
Presidential candidates.
-Gonna-M Press
SPORTS
We all know that the major league baseball strike has failed to resolve
itself in time for the start of the new season. We also know that the owners
are fielding replacements for the striking major leaguers. What may interest
you is the fact that the Cleveland Indians are fielding the Cleveland Browns in
place of the striking Indians. Their view on the matter is that perhaps the
Browns can make a better showing here than they have on the football field.
Much to their dismay however, the Pittsburgh Pirates have caught on to the same
idea and have decided to field the Steelers, thus making sure that the Browns
will once again lose in the playoffs. Pittsburgh itself has high aspirations
of losing in World Series to San Francisco, who are fielding the 49's.
Deliberation on whether to make key rule changes to allow for tackling are
still underway.
And that's the news folks! We know you missed us and now I'll bet you wish we
went away. Sorry, there's more to come.
-The Editors
Last night's lottery numbers:
googolplex, imaginary 7, x-6, infinity + 1, 1/1000000000000000th, 10
There was 1 winner.