Have ever wondered where all the money we pay for tuition really goes?
I mean for the amount of money we pay to attend this school, I think there is a
slight disparity between the services we receive and the services we pay for.
We, the people, at Alternative News, felt it to be our moral duty to expose
this disparity and get to the bottom of this mystery. Our fact-finding
investigation team (they are not a bunch guys smoking marijuana and making
things up...they don't need marijuana) has uncovered the true allotment of our
tuition. Here for your perusal are the actual facts.
Base Tuition - $23,600
Semester Charges
BILL CHARGE COMPONENT CHARGES
Tuition - 9,070.00 Teacher's Salaries - 2,220.00
(There really isn't any money in
teaching)
Phil Jordan's Bahama Beach House -
4,160.00
Assorted Bribes - 1,685.00
Repairs in DKE division - 1005.00
Optional Bookstore Deposit - 375.00 None, we usually need all of this and
more. Especially the science majors.
(Reports on textbook price gouging in
the next issue of AN)
Student Activities Fee - 65.00 Cleaning up Excretions in the Hall -
26.05
Ubiquitous cases of American Light -
0.35
Reinforced Bed Springs - 21.85
Gates of Hell Maintenance - 16.75
Health & Counseling Fee - 230.00 Supposedly Free Condoms - 10.85
Assumption of at least one drinking
injury - 65.50
Assumption of one case of food
poisoning by ARA - 23.80
Injuries to fraternity pledges - 36.20
Scrotem post related injuries - 40.00
Doc Shermer's new Porsche - 53.65
Room Charge - 780.00 Room Improvement - 6.75
Redecorating Phil Jordan's Room - 227.50
Carpet Cleaning - 0.35
(Really drunk fraternity games)
South American Climate Control - 135.40
(cold in the winter/hot in the summer
GUARANTEED !!!)
Fire Saftey Notice - 25.00
Really long Dormatory Names - 245.80
All pervasive, omnipresent beer aroma -
45.60
Huge toilet paper rolls - 23.90
Extra capacity cold water tank - 38.40
(for that invigorating morning shower)
Bribes for building code inspectors -
31.30
Board - 1,070.00 Food - 13.75
Really cute names - 2.20
Replacement trays after heavy snow -
215.85
Printing Jeff Modelewski's name on ARA/
Shoppes material - 315.85
Legal counsel for food poisoning/wrong-
ful death suits - 225.00
Real food that they serve us
occasionally to prove they can cook -
195.70
Roadkill road removal equipment - 57.90
Industrial grade grinder for converting
roadkill into something even more
noxious than its original form - 43.75
- "We don't take American Ex" Press
SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX
Now that we have your attention....*grin*
PERVERTED PREDICTIONS
Most of you are probably familiar with the fact that the editor of this
paper is rumored to have a sort of sixth sense (not really, actually we are god
and we know everything but we thought we would be humble just this once.) and
uses it to make predictions about the future. Well we have decided to go
public and do horoscopes. But we feel that ours are more reliable than others
so we call them....
Things That WILL Happen Today
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): You are a moron. It seems as though everything you
do in life is akin to running head first into a wall. You will suddenly
realize that you are indeed too stupid for words and will lock yourself in a
closet forever. Your lucky number - 0
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): You are a moron. You're also full of shit. You
will discover this today and will decide to take the bull by the horns.
Unfortunately you will choose the Raging Bull and will be made fun of for the
rest of your life in Alternative News. Your lucky number - AN6
GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 20): You are a moron, twice over. You always make the
same mistake twice (or in multiples of two). You will discover that you are
doubly stupid and try to commit suicide, but you won't get it right the first
time so you'll have to do it twice. Your lucky number - 2
CANCER (Jun 21- Jul 22): You are a moron. You're also temperamental and
generally a pain in the ass to be around. You will discover this today and
decided not care because everybody is a pain in your ass. But your office
staff will decide they have had enough and throw you out of the fortieth floor
window. Your lucky number - 40
LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22): You are a moron. You are also loud and obnoxious and
think you are king of the hill. You already know this but someone else has had
it with you. You will be shot. Your lucky number - 9mm
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sep 23): You are a moron. And who are you trying to kid with
this innocence act ? Today you will be discovered and unveiled for public
shame. You'll decide that you don't care and sell your body for favors. Your
lucky number - $100/hr
LIBRA (Sep 24 - Oct 23): You are a moron. You think everything is cool and
you got it all balanced out nicely. Today you will meet someone unbalanced.
You will try to help, like the schmuck you are, but he will unbalance you...with
a bomb. Your lucky number - C4
SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 21): You are a moron. Your attitude is venomous and
acidic. Today you will realize that and become even more unlikeable. You will
then be poisoned by your spouse. Your lucky number - stict 9
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): You are a moron. Your words are always like
arrows to the heart of whomever you speak to. Today you will be transported
inexplicably to the past where you will be scalped by Indians. Your lucky
number - 1876
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): You are a moron. You are stubborn and obstinate.
Nobody likes you because you always disagree with them. Somebody will tell you
this today but you will think they are wrong and refuse to see their side of
it. Somebody will throw you off the side of a mountain. Your lucky number -
elev. 3158 ft
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): You are a moron. You also have a bladder problem
which has become embarrassing. Your doctor will prescribe a sea trip.
Unfortunately you will uncontrollably relieve yourself in the wrong place and
cause the boat to sink. Nobody will care because they all did the same thing,
being Aquarius like you. You'll all drown. Your lucky number - 12 fathoms
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): You are a god (or goddess). You are creative,
intuitive, and beautiful. Everybody hates you for that but they just are
jealous. Today will be a great day for you because all these other idiots will
be out of your way and you can live like you want to. Your lucky number - 12
- Cold Com Press
And if you found that offensive, just wait until the next issue.