Volume 29 Issue 43
Campus Calendar
Friday, December 16
11:15am-1:00pm Real food Shoppes
4:00pm-4:30pm Animaniacs Caples TV lounge
5:00pm-6:45pm Rather bland attempt at dinner Gund Dining Hall
Better than Peirce though.
5:15pm-7:00pm Same shit different day Peirce Dining Hall
8:00pm-10:00pm Friday Night Before Party Movie Rosse Hall
10:00pm-2:00am Alpha Delta Phi Party Old Kenyon East
Killian's Red on tap Basement
10:00pm-2:00am Phi Kappa Sigma Party Hanna North
Coors on tap Third Floor
10:00pm-2:00am Delta Kappa Epsilon Old Kenyon West
Milwaukee's Best on tap Basement
12:00am-3:00am Drunken hook-up time
3:00am-5:00am Cleanup crew removes passed out bodies
from Middle Path
Saturday, December 17
7:30am-9:00am Breakfast fit for kings Gund Dining Hall
11:15am-1:00pm Hangover menu Peirce Dining Hall
12:00pm-6:00pm Animaniacs Festival Caples TV Lounge
1:00pm-2:00pm Seminar: Dealing with that drunken hookup Gund Commons
2:00pm-4:00pm Men's Basketball vs an interesting team Ernst Center
5:15pm-7:00pm ARA serves real food Dining Halls
8:00pm-10:00pm KFS: Another really strange film we've Biology Aud.
never heard of before
9:00pm-12:00pm Another Coffeehouse by another poor social Gund Commons
group
10:00pm-2:00am Psi Upsilon Party Psi Upsilon Lodge
Invite Only (Snotty Bastards)
10:00pm-2:00am Delta Tau Delta Party Delta Tau Delta
Invite Only (The Other Snotty Bastards Lodge
10:00pm-2:00am Beta Theta Pi Party Leonard South
Coors on tap Fourth Floor
12:00am-3:00am Drunken hook-up time
3:00am-5:00am Cleanup crew removes passed out bodies from
Middle Path
Sunday, December 19
7:00am The religious beg for forgiveness of weekend
sins
9:00am-11:00am Partiers return to their own rooms
11:15am-1:00pm Hangover menu Peirce Dining Hall
1:00pm-2:00pm Seminar: Dealing with that drunken hookup Gund Commons
5:00pm-6:45pm Same shit different day Gund Dining Hall
5:15pm-7:00pm Slightly better than Gund but not worth Peirce Dining Hall
the walk for North Enders
7:00pm-9:00pm Procrastination time
9:00pm-12:00am Work being done that should have been done Olin Library
earlier
Academic Annoucements
CHEM LECTURE: How to deal with the stress of being a Chemistry major. A panel
of graduates will each tell how they survived the intense requirement for a
Chemistry degree. Thursday January 20, 1994 at 11:00 in Olin Auditorium
Due to a glitch in the computer filing system all final grades have been lost.
Suck up to your teachers well so they will report a good grade for you.
General Announcements
COLUMBUS SHUTTLE - Needs drivers. Must have less that 12 points on license and
only hit two cars on driving test. Apply SAC.
Deer Season is officially open in Knox County. Wear bright colors to keep
hunters from shooting at you. Carry a semiautomatic to shoot back at the ones
who don't care.
BATTLE OF THE BANDS - Friday January 21st. 9-12pm, Gund Game room. Lots of
noise, watered down beer, and really smelly people. This would be a good night
to get off campus
Classified Ads
LOST AND FOUND
LOST tolerance. Last seen at the Beta party and on Middle Path. If found
please return to McBride 330 or e-mail HurL
LOST jacket. I was stupid enough to leave it somewhere and somebody took it.
I mistakenly believe that if I threatened the culprit in here or on e-mail
they'll be so frightened that they'll rush to return it. Drop it off at 402
Mather or else!
FOUND that guy's jacket. You're such an asshole. You think you're getting the
jacket back now ? Forget it!
LOST virginity. Last seen at AD party. I know I can't have it back but could
the guy who took it please own up to it.
FOUND virginity. Uh...that...would be me. David Frank
FOR SALE/SITUATIONS WANTED
Need ride to Puerto Rico. Will pay gas and tolls. Can drive stick and on
water. Don't believe it, give me a ride and see. MosES
FOR SALE: 1974 Vega. It runs...for now. Best offer x6712 Ask for John
FOR SALE: 1977 Gremlin. Yeah, I know, it's hideous but it has tinted windows
so no one can see you driving it. x6712 Ask for John
Need ride to Tampa or thereabouts. I won't pay you but I promise NOT to sing
for you or eat meals with lots of beans.
FOR SALE: The pills! The pills! Yes, in bottles of 500 the famous pink pills.
email HyltonW
FOR SALE: 1956 Edsel. If you can start it, you can have it. 421 Wiggin street
427-3418
FOR SALE: 1976 Pacer. Be just like Wayne and Garth. Party on, dude. 427-8912
ask for Gunther
ABUSE OF SONGS YOU'VE COME TO KNOW AND HATE
This section needs no introduction. You already know what's going on
here.
Jingle Bells: ARA Style
Jingle Bells
What's that smell
Oh, it's on my plate
The food ain't real
But it just might kill
Your survival's left to fate
Oh Jingle Bells
What's that smell
Oh, it's on my plate
The food ain't real
But it just might kill
Your survival's left to fate
Dashing though the snow
To get some food to eat
Taco Pie and Tofu
Oh boy what a treat
Lookin' at this stuff
Makes my stomach heave
The smell is getting worse in here
I think I have to leave
Oh Jingle Bells
What's that smell
Oh, it's on my plate
The food ain't real
But it just might kill
Your survival's left to fate
THOSE SILLY E-MAIL PEOPLE
Do you guys remember that ad sent on e-mail for Speed City, the program
made to increase your reflexes ? Perhaps they would have a better turn out if
they used the same name for a different program. Like this one.
SPEED CITY COMES TO KENYON
GUARANTEED TO IMPROVE YOUR ALERTNESS, RECEPTIVENESS, AND STATE OF
ENERGY.
You are invited to attend Daryl Johnson's "Amphetamine Camp" at Kenyon College
on Saturday, January 22nd and Sunday, January 23rd from 9:00 AM to 3:00 PM.
This camp offers you the chance to improve your alertness, receptiveness, and
energy state, while teaching you about the safest over the counter and illegal
amphetamines. The camp is open to everyone with guaranteed results.
Howard Stabler will be your Speed Specialist. He has taught many important
people the benefits of using speed in every day life. Unfortunately we can't
mention those important people without getting our asses sued off but even that
should give you an idea of just how important these people are.
Amphetamine Camp Details
Location: Alpha Delta Phi Lounge
Date: January 22-23, 1994
Time: 9:00 AM - 3:00 PM
Cost: $50.00 or a bag of grass for our future stress managment workshop
SPEEDCITYSPEEDCITYSPEEDCITYSPEEDCITY
CLASS SOCIETY ENTERTAINMENT
There's no getting around it. For as long as we live there will be
rich people and poor people. Guess which class you're in. At any rate
everyone needs entertainment. And entertainment sometimes becomes scarce so
here are some suggestions that you may want to use.
Games for the Rich
1. Buy a new Mercedes, for every week of the year. Wreck them all. Start with
BMW's next year. Park them in bad neighborhoods.
2. Blow up people's homes. Buy them new ones. Say it was a whim.
3. Buy Congressmen. Make them do things that will guarantee they will not get
re-elected.
4. Found your own college. Teach wine making.
5. Make your own religion. Pay your acolytes.
6. Kill people you dislike. Buy the judge.
7. Hire rich people to work for you. Get their money. Fire them.
8. Buy the street you live on. Charge the residents toll to drive on it.
9. Advertise that you are dying. See how many new friends you have. Tell them
later you've been cured. See how many new friends you have left.
10. Tell people you have buried your fortune. Sell maps that lead to your
worst enemy's house.
Games for the Poor
1. Steal cars from the rich. Sell them back.
2. See how many different ways you can prepare Spam and Stove Top stuffing for
dinner before the family catches on.
3. Sell a home you don't own. Be convincing.
4. Go to yard sales. Try to buy the yard.
5. Haggle with a Jaguar dealer. Try to get him down to $20.
6. Drive uninsured. Tell accident victims to sue you.
7. Steal from the Salvation Army. Give the clothes to Goodwill.
8. Buy food that is taste guarnteed. Eat it, claim you didn't like it, get
your money back
9. Buy one bus fare pass. Stand in a long line. Drop the pass out of a window
to a friend.
10. Buy one of the cars that a rich person wrecked. They still run.
THE CHRISTMAS LIST
It worked so well last year that I just had to do it again. Here's the
Christmas List for all members of the Spellbinder dis list.
South Enders
Sarah Slater - A bay window more than 4 inches square
Andy Zafft - to drive from St Louis in his own car
Carol Milbury - Another plant named Gertrude
Mark McGunagle - To become Ultimate Frisbee God
Carrie Swan (yes, you count as a South Ender) - A life next semester outside of
Phil Mather
Owen Jambor - to be able to beat me consistently in basketball
Lisa Bidlingmeyer - To live closer to Bexley Hall
Kathy Riecks - To go to Dublin (what else)
Melinda McMartin - A room not in Bushnell for her return to Kenyon
Yuri Bredle - To become the only white guy in the world to mack more women than
a black guy
North Enders
Scott Krell - A room on 7th floor Caples
Sarah Claflin - Scott in a room on 7th floor Caples
Patricia Eschbach - A Pinky and the Brain Animaniacs Festival
Meagan O'Dowd - To pull the fire alarm next time Nels and Steve Warner set
their room on fire
Ryan Krasik - A jump shot
Peter Shapinsky - A lock pit set for when he gets locked out of his room
Kristen Sensenig - To live in Montreal
Upperclass People
Keely Price - To survive comps without killing anyone...she knows
Kate Larson - To acheive a new level of strangeness over semester break
Amy Katz - Membership in Three Shades of Grey
Lindsay Padgett - an 'A' in art class
My off-campus Friends
Jen Smith - Something of interest to happen at IU, anything.
Sarah Brannan - an 'A' on her min test
The guy I nearly forgot about
Ben Langberg - every game ever made for the Atari 2600
And there you have it folks. Another Christmas special. For those of
you that I don't see before leaving. Have a Merry Christmas and a good break.
C-ya all in January. For those of you I do see, I'll be sure to give you all
hugs before you leave. Good luck on your remaining exams. Hope this provided
a nice study break.
8-) s