From: KENYON::RADAKS "Love and Rockets" 20-OCT-1993 17:12:32.72
To: RADAKS
CC:
Subj: Alternative News IV
I think it's about time to give up the introductions (because I'm running out
of them); but since this counts as an introduction I'm refuting my own
statement. But if I'm refuting my own statement then this statement doesn't
exist which means I have nothing to refute, I didn't make an introduction and
therefore my first statement is true. But if my first statement is true then I
had to make it thus I made an introduction and therefore I am refuting that same
statement by making it. But by refuting it I actually am not making the
statement which means....OH NEVERMIND!!!!! You figure it out.
ALTERNATIVE NEWS
20 October 1993Volume 4
YET ANOTHER BIRTHDAY BONANZA
Continuing in the series of birthdays that have made headlines since
the birth of this paper, Carrie Swan turned 19 this past Friday. Her day was
made memorable by visiting historic Coshocton with her parents. We are just
green with envy, Carrie. Her friends, could only provide a scavenger hunt and
a party to make Carrie feel special but I think it can be concluded that the
overture was well received. The party vies for the largest attendance thus
far; at least at the party site. The night was capped of with a revistation of
a strange custom started by Steven Radak last year, a midnight run. Sarah
Slater, Owen Jambor, Steven Radak, and the birthday girl took her Dad's car
down to Columbus to see the sights of High Street; at 1:00 in the morning.
This was a new experience for Jambor who was kept up way past his bedtime but
seemed to enjoy himself. The "runners" returned home at about 4 AM to sleep
off the activities of the night. The quality of parties seems to be going up
each time a new on crops up. This writer is waiting to see what happens at the
next party.
-Midnight X-Press
CA's TAKE OVER KENYON
The Information and Computing Services (ICS) are admitting to make a
grave error in the training of CA's. Two particularly industrious CA's (Scott
Krell and Steven Radak) broke into the master account containing all of the
passwords for faculty and student accounts. They began wreaking havoc upon
accounts, deleteing files, adding rude files, and changing class scores
dramatically. Their only applaudable act was erasing all the records in the
financial aid office while redirecting their their archive updates in transit.
They also destroyed the Financial Aid office itself and its archive site thus
eliminating all records of debt. The college had to forfeit all its debts
because it could not prove who owed how much for what. Krell was apprehended
in the room of his girlfriend, Sarah Claflin. The whereabouts of Radak are
unknown. Security reports that they had Krell's and Claflin's room staked out
for a week waiting for him. "We knew he'd have to come back eventually, either
to stay or to take her with him when he tried to flee. These two are
inseperable." When asked about Radak, no one had any answers. "He doesn't
really have a strong affliation with anyone except Krell and Claflin. We
figured he would try to get his car but only his friends have used it. It's
going to be very difficult to flush him out. Meanwhile ICS reports rogue
attacks on the system made from outside terminals. The use of an outside
terminal makes it difficult for ICS to trace the culprit but it is suspected
that the rogue is indeed Radak. Security has endured the brunt of the attack
as most of the hits seem to be designed to impede Security's efforts to
prosecute Krell. "We'll have him soon. He can't let his friend go up the
river," says one optimistic security officer. Others are less confident about
apprehending Radak and there is a faction (mostly those who owed the school
money) that are cheering for him and possibly abetting his hiding. Security
warns that anyone caught giving aid to Radak could face expulsion from the
College.
A SNEAK PEEK AT CLASS OFFERINGS FOR NEXT YEAR
This paper has just come privy to a proposal for new courses to be
offered for next year's curriculum. In a preliminary effort to gauge student
reaction to these new classes we have been given permission to release the list
of new classes early.
BIOL 119-120 Creating Environments
S. Slater / C. Milbury (1 unit)
This class will concentrate on the age old problem of keeping the room decor.
Focus will be put on the futility of neatness, how to throw the right clothes
on the floor to compliment the mood you want to create, and how to position
furniture to facilitate the entrance of unexpected guest through the window.
Prerequisite: Permission of instructors
BIOL 219-220 Advanced Creating Environments
P. Eschbach / S. Claflin (1 unit)
This class is for those who wish to learn about creating a tighter and more
exclusive environment. Focus will be put on the benefits of covering the room
in clothes, appropriate decor, substenance and feeding habits, screening
clientele, and interpersonal relationships between members.
Prerequisite: Permission of instructors
BIOL 105-106 Food Study
P.Eschbach (1 unit)
This course will center on the study of various types of homemade comestibles
and the effects of such on members of the BIO 219-220 environment. Focus will
be not so much on obtaining study materials as the consumption of said
materials.
Prerequisite: BIOL 219-220 or permission of instructor
CHEM 135 The Study of Cappio
S.Slater / L.Bidlingmeyer (1/2 unit)
This course will focus its attention on the composition and effects of Cappio.
In particular the chemical recation caused by this drink to produce strange
behavior, such as standing on desks and screaming, will be studied in depth.
Labs will consists of consuming large quantities of Cappio and measuring the
effects.
Prerequisite: None
CHEM 510-511 Advanced Imbibing and Inebriation
C. Swan / S. Slater / C. Milbury / L. Bidlingmeyer (1 unit)
This is an advanced course that concentrates on technique and skill. This
course will focus on choosing the right kind of alcohol for the right occasion,
inventing occasions to injest alcohol, drinking games, where to find alcohol
when you are broke, what to do after you are inebriated, where to relieve
oneself of unwanted solids and fluids in an emergency, and other topics
associated with the refined art of drinking. Labs will be held on Friday and
Saturday nights, and involve the injesting of large amounts of alcohol in
different forms.
Prerequisite: CHEM 100 Freshman Inebriation
CHEM 101 Basic Imbibing and Inebriation
CHEM 107 Yarking and Hangovers
CHEM 205 Alcohol and Your Body
ENGL 411 Drunken Speech
IPHS 309-310 Room Parties
PHIL 103 The Duration of Relationships at Fraternity Parties
ENGL 465 Off-Hand Comments
K. Riecks (1/2 unit)
This course will concentrate on the art of making innuendo while seeming
totally innocent of such things. Focus will be put on believeability versus
suggestion of innuendo, creativity of innuendo, and the ability to prove
drunken stupor after the fact. Labs will consist of attendance to fraternity
parties, drinking (before and during with afterwards applied for extra credit),
and attending a room party where technique can be practiced and honed.
Prerequisite: ENGL 230 Flippancy
ENGL 411 Drunken Speech
CHEM 100-114 (any half unit in this section)
ENGL 911 Advanced Sarcasm
S. Radak (1/2 unit)
This course focuses on the complete demoralization of victims. Stress will be
put on scathing, subtlety, intelligence, and form of remarks. This class will
teach students to refine their wit to a razor's edge thus putting an end to
meaningless, long arguments. This class will also teach students how to insult
their superiors without repercussions. Extra credit will be given to those
students who pose a challenge to the instructor.
Prerequisite: ENGL 310 Insults and Putdowns
ENGL 523 Subtlety
PSYC 206-207 Introduction to Manipulation
ENVS 441 Entering Habitats Obtrusively
L. Bidlingmeyer (1/2 unit)
This course concentrates on the invasion of habitats with as much disruption as
possible. Attention will be focused on unexpected entrance points and
techniques for disrupting affairs in the habitat.
Prerequisite: ENVS 225 Habitat Study
CHEM 135 The Study of Cappio
INDS 118 Anal Retentiveness
R. Krasik (1/2 unit)
The goal of this course is to make students more organized and more productive
both in the classroom and at home. Focus will be put on using different color
highlighters and pens for taking notes, filing books alphabetically by size,
ironing one's socks and underwear after sewing one's name on them, filing
shirts alphabetically by color using a 128 color palette, and making one's bed
with the hospital corners.
Prerequisite: None
INDS 314-315 Pursuing A Second Major By Learning From Your Roomate
C. Milbury (1/2 unit)
This course focuses on getting all the information one needs to know for a
major without attending classes for that major. Attention will be stressed on
reading roommate's books, helping roommate study for tests, stealing notes, and
making up annoying songs that your roommate can't forget as memory mneumonics.
Prerequisite: INDS 110 Pursuing Your Own Degree
INDS 519 Cutting Class
S. Radak (1/2 unit)
The goal of this class is to make students more comfortable skipping a class
whenever they feel it necessary. Emphasis will be placed on making excuses to
onesself for not attending class, what to do instead of attending class, and
how to unobtrusively find out what one missed. Attendance is not mandatory and
is generally discouraged since the instructor is known to be absent quite
frequently himself.
Prerequisite: Sophomore or higher standing and a class cut record of 20+ per
semester
IPHS 112 Advanced Cuteness
S. Krell / S. Claflin (1/2 unit)
This course picks up where IPHS 110-111 left off. Focus will be on techinique
and gross-out factor. Emphasis will be placed on being obnoxious in public and
more obnoxious among friends. Students will learn to make their single friends
envy their relationship and hate their guts. Extra credit is awarded to
couples who make people vomit.
Prerequisite: IPHS 110-111 Beginning Cuteness
a significant other
IPHS 113 Sexual Antics
S. Krell / S. Claflin (1/2 unit)
This class will inform students of everything they ever wanted to know about
sex and a few things they never wanted to know. Focus will be on technique and
PR on said technique. Extra credit will be awarded to couples based on the
number of people who know the couple is doing it. More points will be awarded
to couples based on the number of people who know just what they are doing.
Class averages take an inversely proportional credit for Purity Test scores.
Prerequisite: IPHS 112 Advanced Cuteness
a thorough knowledge of partner's sexual history
birth control
MFLL 217 Foriegn Language
B. Langberg (1/2 unit)
We would tell you what language this is but quite frankly we don't know
ourselves. The focus of this course is teach students to talk in such a
fashion that they are not understood at all, even though they are using
standard English vocabulary.
Prerequisite: MFLL 121 Understanding Gibberish
PHIL 319 The Study of Evilness
C. Milbury (1/2 unit)
The goal of this class is to teach students about the plethora of evil things
in the world. Focus will be put on dealing with evil friends and evil papers
(especially Calculus papers). Special attention will be placed on evil
roommates and how to deal with them.
Prerequisite: None
PHIL 590 Transcendental Strangeness
K. Price / K. Larson (1/2 unit)
This class will focus on perspective of the world we live in. Emphasis will be
placed on losing that perspective constantly and living in one's own world in
harmony. Projects will include periodic messages, that make absolutely no
sense, to one's friends, and acheiving a state where one fails to recognize
reality until it is rudely thrust upon them. Accomplished students in this
class are said to lead happier lives and are usually seen around campus with a
constant smile.
PHSD 134 Ultimate Frisbee
M. McGunagle / U. Bredle (1/2 unit)
The goal of this class is to improve students' grasp of the basic concepts of
Ultimate Frisbee playing. Core units will include throwing, catching, running,
withstanding intemperate weather without a shirt, the smell of sweat, mud and
concrete tasting, and pretending to be more skilled than you are in front of
members of the opposite sex.
Prerequisite: A certain sense of obnoxiousness or just a plain love for sports.
PHYS: 169 Knives
S. Krell (1/2 unit)
This course will teach students the fine art of collecting sharp things.
Although usage will be prohibted, students will learn how to display their
armory in an intimidating fashion and how to demonstrate their use in a
menacing manner.
Prerequisite: None
PSYC 228 Effective Arguing
T. Scott (1/2 unit)
The focus of this course is to teach students ways to argue logically and not
emotionally. Emphasis will be placed on goading people into arguing,
railroading them into agreeing with one's opinions, and breaking them down into
tears. Extra credit will be awarded to students who can consistently goad
people into arguing a futile point.
Prerequisite: PSYC 114 Choosing Opposing Views
PSYC 115 Obstinancy
PSYC 432 Saying What You Mean
O. Jambor (1/2 unit)
This course will concentrate on teaching students to get their point across
clearly and concisely. Emphasis will be placed on bluntness and use of small
words to make sure that everything is understood. Advanced students will be
allowed to independently study ways of coerceing people to do what they ask.
Prerequisite: PSYC 313 Subliminal (take this class) Messages
ENGL 523 Subtlety
PSYC 557-558 Intimidation and Manipulation of Friends
M. McMartin (1 unit)
This course will emphasize gaining mastery over one's friends and using it to
one's own advantage. Core units will include threat of embarassment,
acheiving remote locations to be above reproach, forcing friends to make key
mistakes to your advantage, constantly making them pay for those mistakes,
and assuming an angelic personality so they cannot hate you.
Prerequisite: PSYC 131 Choosing Your Friends
PSYC 206-207 Introduction to Manipulation
PSYC 419-420 Intimidation and Manipulation of Enemies
PSYC 486 Suggestive Thought
RELN 128 Murphology
S. Krell (1/2 unit)
This course will explain to students the concept behind why everything in the
universe goes wrong at the time when you least want it to. The schedule and
location for this class are yet to be determined due to the fact that so far
something has happened to every building it was to be scheduled in at the time
it was scheduled to meet.
Prerequisite: An umbrella
RELN 137 Basic Zoning
C. Swan (1/2 unit)
This course is an introduction to the art of zoning. The class will focus on
anything that isn't moving while their minds wander aimlessly.
Prerequisite: None
RELN 237 Advanced Zoning
S. Slater (1/2 unit)
Picking up where RELN 137 left off, this class will teach students the refined
points of zoning. Key concepts will include, focussing on moving objects,
zoning while in the middle of a conversation, zoning while in the middle of a
sentence, zoning while in the middle of a word, and zoning while in the middle
of zoning. Also the advanced topic of zoning while chewing will be explored.
Prerequisite: RELN 137 Basic Zoning
WMNS 107 Men: The Evil Sex
C. Swan / S. Slater (1/2 unit)
The object of this course is to explore the mind of men and figure out exactly
what make 99% of them assholes. WARNING TO MEN: This course is highly
opinionated and sexist. Take only with caution. Female members and the
instructors have been known to assault male members of the class.
Prerequisite: A sympathy toward the problems of women
SPECIAL SEMINAR: Saftey First! What to do in case of an emergency.
M. O'Dowd
This seminar will concentrate on teaching students how to keep cool in case of
emergency. Core topics will include the answer to these questions:
Is that smoke or is the candle lit again ?
Is it something real burning or just marijuana wafted up for my enjoyment ?
Should I wake up my roommate when I think there's a fire or when her bed is actually burning ?
Can I pull the fire alarm ?
All these and more will be addressed in this seminar.
Our Esteemed Staff
Lisa M. Bidlingmeyer
Uriah J. Bredle
Sarah R. Claflin
Patricia L. Eschbach
Owen B. Jambor
Ryan A. Krasik
Benjamin D. Langberg
Katherine M. Larson
Mark M. McGunagle
Melinda McMartin
Carol H. Milbury
Meagan K. O'Dowd
Keely Price
Steven C. Radak
Kathryn G. Riecks
Traci R. Scott
Sarah E. Slater
Carrie A. Swan
It's Amnesty Day, folks. All you people who sent letters to the editor get off
for free this week due to the length of the last article. Enjoy it, this won't
be a regular thing.
I hope you enjoyed this week's edition of Alternative News. Don't expect
issues this long to become the norm. This took way too long to write.
-The Management