From: KENYON::RADAKS "Love and Rockets" 13-OCT-1993 16:18:21.23
To: RADAKS
CC:
Subj: Alternative News III
The only thing worse than being tortured by a bad joke is being tortured
repeatedly by a bad joke. With that in mind here's...
ALTERNATIVE NEWS
13 October 1993 Volume 3
"We print no untrue story. (not that we'd admit it)"
SHOPPES SHOWS MORE MEAT THAN THE PIZZA
Patrons of the Shoppes, the eatery (yeah we have to call it that)
located in the basement of Peirce Hall, were horrified to find that the source
of the strange sound effects they were hearing was coming from the TV.
Apparently there was a movie of questionable taste showing on the TV at the
time. Our investigation of the incident turned up some startling facts. It
seems that the point of the "blue movie" was to mask the actual sounds of the
employees making out in the back. An employee who wished to remain anonymous
remarked, "Hey, it was a slow night." Also there have been rumors that this
may become a regular feature in an effort to push up attendance and thus
profits.
-Silicon Press
KRELL GOES BALLISTIC
This October Break saw the christening of the Party Ark I's military
equipment. The van that we have all come to know and love is now equipped with
the lastest in anti-pedestrian, anti-police, and anti-Sunday driver weapons.
The outfit includes two AK-47 machine rifles, a retractible howitzer cannon,
four "Road Clearer" missles, a LAW rocket assembly, and a fifty millimeter
cannon housed in the back to discourage pursuit. When queried about the rather
unusual options package Krell made this statement, "Driving can be such a chore
because some people just have to make it difficult. Pedestrians are always
crossing the street in front of you at crosswalks and red lights. Crossing
traffic always wants to get past when the light on their side is green. Cops
want to enforce speed limits. And then there's those grandma's and grandpa's
who get in front of you and drive 15 mph or those people who want to drive at
the speed limit. It was just making life hell. So I decided it was time to
take control of the situation. The best defense is a good offense and I like
to be as offensive as I can get." The options package was put to the test on
the trip back to Kenyon at the end of break. Krell's significant other Sarah
Claflin described the trip as "pure carnage but lots of fun." Still she
expressed a bit of remorse for the Amish family whose horse was obliterated by
the machine guns. She however swallowed that remorse (or that horse, you
decide what I meant) at dinner later on that day in Gund Commons.
BEWARE THE SENIORS!!!
For those of you who know Keely Price and Kate Larson, you are probably
facing the onset of comps with a certain amount of dread. For those of you who
do not know them, then you should be warned not to take them at strictly face
value at this time of their lives. Already riding the edge of insanity (which
is why they are my friends anyway), these two seemingly perfectly normal
abnormal people will transform into hideous, slavering, beasts when their time
approaches. Friends and innocent bystanders are warned to stay clear of these
two when they see symptoms of the transfomation beginning. Symptoms include:
glazed eyes
blank stares while people are talking to them
increased caffeine and sugar intake
increased Shoppes and Cove activity
an extreme craving for ARA
continuous gnashing of teeth
growling, howling, screaming
biting
scratching
sacrificing of small animals
sacrificing of small students
voodoo dolls of teachers, advisors, students who get in their way
running around naked on Middle Path
sudden predatory grins (the "I want to kill you and drink your blood"
smile) in your presence
other strange and unusual behavior above and beyond their usual strange
and unusual behavior
If you see a number of these symptoms starting to manifest take cover
immediately! These two may be armed and in any case should be considered
extremely dangerous. In this state they will recognize no friends other than
as sacrifice to appease the comps gods. Be on your guard, this transformation
could take place without warning.
LOCAL POSTING
- Speaking of the strange and unusual, Carrie Swan turns 19 on Friday.
Everybody be sure to wish her a happy birthday. Also ask her for a ride in her
Dad's car. In fact ask her to drive her Dad's car; then run it into a wall at
70 mph to test the airbag and then say the accelerator got stuck. Happy
Birthday Carrie.
- FOUND one package of birth control pills. You can pick them up at
the press desk at Alternative News headquarters. This will be strictly
confidential. Would we lie to you ?
- FOR SALE new liver. The perfect assessory for the hard drinker. Why
deal with cirrhosis when you can start with a clean slate. Quantity is limited
so act now and we let the unsuspecting saps that we conned into selling their
bodies to science know that...never mind that last statement.
-MAKE MONEY FAST Sell your body to science. We'll pay you $100 to sell
your organs to science. Remember the best you can give is of yourself.
DISCLAIMER: Organs are to be available upon demand but this disclaimer is to
be printed really small so you can't read it.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
You guys are getting smarter. I only got one letter this time and it
wasn't from Owen (guess he wised up and submitted to the master).
From: KENYON::LANGBERGB "Gosh I just LOVE that BP Guy!" 7-OCT-1993 23:41:0
To: SPELLBINDER "Some call me... BOB???"
CC:
Subj: conductor bob that is...
To whom it may consume,
I am writing to inform the editors of an error. I do not normally do
such a thing a this; this being a reparts beyond the normal means.
Futherless, the Furlong is and outdated measuring tool that does not fit in a
glove box so there. I believe Greg Brown said it best with "*** **** ********
*******", but that is yet and four three another matter. But I digress...
I just wanted to clarify that Nicole Dennis did NOT say, "Raisin bran
is my best and only friend!", but did in fact remark, "Fishes are grey in the
most curious sense, and yet..."
Just wanted to set thing straight! :)
Benjamin D. Langberg I '96
Dear Mr Langberg,
We recognize our mistake and offer our sincerest apologies for
mistaking you as an intelligent reader. In case you haven't noticed yet we
are a godlike tome of the literary world. We do not make mistakes. If you
find something in our articles that does not concur with the world around you
it is obviously the world that has made a mistake and should immediately attend
to correcting the error. Also we couldn't help but notice that you signed your
name with an affirmation of being the first of your line and your expected
graduating year. Well, we can assure that if you continue to submit such
slanderous accusations of our being mistaken you will be the last of your line
and you will never see the date which succeeds your appellation. I hope we
have cleared up this little misunderstanding and we look forward to not hearing
a single utterance from you in the future.
Sincerely
-The Management
Remember folks we appreciate your opinion.