From: KENYON::RADAKS "Love and Rockets" 5-OCT-1993 17:45:59.48
To: RADAKS
CC:
Subj: Alternative News
A promise is a promise and much to your dismay we're at it again. Without any
sense of decency here is....
(Ever notice the flagrant use of "we" you see in most of these works ? The
question you should be asking yourself is; am I using it in the royal sense or
am I a multiple personality or am I just hearing voices ? Hmmm....)
ALTERNATIVE NEWS
5 October 1993 Volume 2
"All the news we think is fit to print, and nothing more !"
YET ANOTHER BIRTHDAY
Perhaps striving for the most inebriated party members award were the
participants of the Carol Milbury 19th Birthday party. Party go-ers partook of
two cases of beer and a bottle of Absolut Kurrant (which was quite step up from
the usual Absolut brands in taste). The imbibing was finished off in a very
short span of time, all liquor being consumed. The party then made a somewhat
uncalled for visit up North to Virginia Hyatt McBride Residence to relive
freshman memories of their hall where this activity was most common for them.
Fortunately the trekkers only made fools of themselves in public and did not
liberate any bodily contents except for one who we will not point the finger at
(CS).
-Staggered Press
THE NIGHT AIN'T OVER YET
On the same night, residents of Jean Dunbar Caples Residence were
forced to remove themselves from their humble abodes to the blaring tempo of a
fire alarm. The grumpy residents moved quickly from the hall at 4:00 in the
morning to seek haven in Madeleine Mather Residence. The fire department was
called in and the fire (yes, this one was for real folks) was contained in 6th
floor C suite. Residents were able to return to their rooms after an hour.
The cause of the fire was due to a lamp which short-circuited after having a
sheet thrown over it. The two residents of the suite, Steven Warner and a man
who made news last year, Nels Roningen were treated for smoke inhalation.
-State of Distress Press
KENYON TAKES SIMMONS' SUGGESTIONS TO TOWN
In the last edition of the Kenyon Collegian, Mark Simmons expressed a
few thoughts on how to improve life in Gambier. His words did not fall on deaf
ears. Due to the enlarged size of our endowment and the fact that way too
many students are paying full tuition to go here, President Phillip Jordan has
started to take step in a bold move to make Gambier a more inticing place to
study. The plans include the following:
- $105.8 million dollar dome extending from Woodland Cottages to Bexley
Hall. The dome will include climate simulation and students will have a say in
the weekly weather conditions. Ernst Center and Wertheimer Fieldhouse will not
be included in the dome due to NCAA regulations which prohibit the control of
weather facilities over playing fields.
- Elevators are currently being installed in all residences with more
than two floors.
- Tram service that will extend from Bexley Hall, dowm Middle Path to
Ernst Center and Wertheimer Fieldhouse. Extended spring and fall service will
also include the soccer field. Tram service will be free of charge because hey
aren't we paying enough already.
- The physics department has made a new breakthrough in matter
transmission in the form of light. This has brought forth bold plans to make a
matter transmission station in Columbus making it possible to get there in
less than one second. The department is currently looking for volunteers to
test the new system as they are not sure that brain functions will be
preserved. All fraternity members are discouraged from applying because the
scientist want proof that there are brain functions before the subject is
exposed to the machine.
- The administration has agreed to allow students to cover up 75
percent of their wall space. Figures show that due to the small size of the
rooms here, they will only burn 2 seconds faster with 75 percent of the wall
covered as opposed to 50 percent.
- The administration has also agreed to allow firearms; their reasoning
being that students should be allowed to protect themselves and that they
should be smart enough to use this privilege wisely.
Although these are not the sum total of Simmons' suggestions, President
Jordan stated that this only the beginning of the renovation of Kenyon College.
Simmons has expressed pleasure at the administration's efforts. "It's about
time somebody started listening to what we have to say. We're not all stupid."
-Fantasy Press
REPRECUSSIONS
The administration had to seriously revise their gun policy after a
series of incidents causing a uproar in the college community. On just the
second day of the gun policy, the Olin Library experienced a massacre as
student Carol Milbury began gunning down students who had checked out material
on course reserve that she was supposed to read. Milbury was eventually taken
and disarmed. She was reprimanded and her firearm was confiscated. None of
the students were seriously hurt as Milbury's aim was really bad. When asked
about her shooting spree she calmly replied, "So it was the last day and there
are a lot of students in my class, that doesn't give them the right to check
out the material when I want to read it."
Another incident that has come to be known as the Grade Crisis exploded
when Carrie Swan, a career honors student, received a failing grade in
Analytical Chemistry. Enraged at the blemish on her academic record, she took
matters and a LAW rocket launcher into hand and held the chemistry department
hostage until the grade was changed. Her accomplices, Sarah Slater and the
aforementioned Carol Milbury went on to take Stephen Slack hostage whereby he
was "persuaded" at gunpoint to pass both girls in Calculus and to assign no
further math problems. Slater and Swan were apprehended while talking to each
other over e-mail. Milbury's whereabouts remain a mystery.
With these incidents in mind, the school has revised it's policy
whereby it allows students to carry tranquilizers while allowing faculty to
use live ammunition thus restoring the balance of power. We would comment on
the effectiveness of this policy but it was only just instituted on Friday and
so we could not ascertain whether the passed out people we saw on Middle Path
were tranquilized or drunk.
In a related story, the proceedings determining the fates of Swan and
Slater have hit an impasse. It seems that all the evidence against them has
mysteriously disappeared. The files were stored on a computer in what was
thought of as a secure account. The prosecution had no comment to make on the
loss of the files. Sources say that an unknown hacker somehow broke into the
system and deleted all the necessary files and curiously altered a large number
of financial records. Administration is currently sorting through the mess and
reassembling who owes what to who. If evidence against Slater and Swan is not
retrieved in ten days, they will have to be released and the charges dropped.
Investigators suspect the hand of Steven Radak, alias the Spellbinder, in these
past events. All attempts to expose the benevolent friend have met with
failure.
-"That ought to im" Press
This week's quote list is a little sparse. I guess you guys think you have
wised up. We'll see. But for the people who couldn't avoid getting caught,
plus some filler of my own that I found on Netnews. Here is this week's quote
list.
{While talking about his lack of understanding about a reading assignment}
"I read it six times, including the first time."
-That's okay Scott, most of us start at the second time, ourselves.
These are from Netnews:
* "I've reiterated over again what I have said before."
-N.Y. Mayor Robert F. Wagner
* "My sister's expecting a baby and I don't know if I'm going to be an
uncle or an aunt."
-North Carolina State basketball player
Chuck Nevitt
* "I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue."
-Former President Richard Nixon
{Our personal favorite too.}
* "Don't quote what he says. Say what he means!"
-Campaign aide of Sen. Barry Goldwater
* "I'm not indecisive ? Am I indecisive ?"
-St. Paul, Minn., Mayor Jim Seibel
Letters to the Editor
or the "You definitely shouldn't have" section
Subtitle: "I deserve to be made fun of"
(Courtesy of Lisa Bidlingmeyer witnessing the quote by Carrie Swan)
And now for the entertainment.
From: KENYON::JAMBORO "Shoplifters of the world unite and take over" 29-S
To: RADAKS
CC:
Subj: Letter to the Editor
Dear Sirs:
I'm writing in regards to your latest edition (print it out and use is as
toilet paper) of the Alternative (to ???) Press.
I was deeply offended at the editorial (bull shit) you used to
describe (slander) a fellow student (all around nice guy) who wanted to borrow
(run head on into a semi on Rt. 13 and leave on the side of the road on cider
blocks) your car (piece of shit). I hope that the management (bunch of guys
running around in their underwear) will support a policy of printing all
correspondence from its readers (no one, actually, we all type 'delete' as soon
as we see spellbinder).
Thank you (burn in hell)
The loaded (smoking) gun
Oooooo. I bet you think that was funny, don't you ? Well so do we, but you
ought to know better.
Mr Loaded (in the inebriated sense) Gun:
We (the gods) sense a little distress (unwarranted) in your letter
(delusion of intelligence). We apologize (like hell we do) if anything we said
offended you (it was all true). We value your opinion (horseshit) and we are
glad (more horseshit) that you could express (slovenly articulate) your
grievances (like we care). We also regret (extreme horseshit) any defamation
of character (what character ?) that may have been caused (you didn't need our
help) by our last installment (save it, treasure it forever). We understand
that you (horseshack) must have had very good reasons (necrophilia with
great-grandma) for wanting to drive our (grand, exhalted, four more self-pro
pelled wheels than you have) car. And we can therefore can conclude (that we
are right) that this prompted the urgency (stupidity) of the letter in question.
We respect (boy is this getting deep) the fact that you (in your infinite lack
of wisdom) have chosen to confront us (how dare you) on this matter. We
appreciate (and ignore) all attempts to insure that our printed material is not
the least bit slanderous (we want it to be the most bit slanderous). Please
continue (if want some more) to point out any errors (we don't make errors, you
just don't know what you're talking about) we make in the future.
Cordially (kiss our collective @*#es)
The Management
P.S. Your personal still sucks!
And yet another person who thought they could get away with being superior.
From: KENYON:BIDLINGMEYEL 2-OCT-1993 20:59:05.74
To: RADAKS
CC:
Subj: RE: Alternative News, the real one
hey there - two things -
1) Quote by Carrie Swan, as witnessed by Meagan et al. -
"I deserve to be made fun of!"
A possible subtitle or title for your weekly quote list???
2) Correction -
since you blatantly misquoted me on that second one, making me appear not
merely foolish but STUPID, I request a correction if not an apology . . .
CORRECT FORMAT -
"My dad lives in Pennsylvania, but only on the weekdays."
Note the careful word choice to provide both a truthful statement and an
accurate portrayal of the alienation that one feels upon moving. So there.
PPPPBBBTHHH!
LISA
Well, now. I do believe my face is red. But oh, honey...
Dear LISA:
Does that stand for something ? Like maybe Leave me In Stupidity
Alright ? We would apologize but frankly I don't think the correction makes
you look any better. The fact that you wanted it however does wonders to prove
that you definitely will be a regular around here. We don't have remorse for
anyone so don't look for any. We appreciate the quote but we'll make the
editing decisions around here. Besides we thought it was a better idea to
make fun of you with your own submission. The next time we make a mistake of
that nature it might better if you left it alone, for your own good. Otherwise
you might end up looking sillier than you started, hmmmm ?
The Management
And that's all she wrote folks. To those of you whom I didn't mistreat
in this issue, don't worry, there'll be others. To those of you I may have
offended, go ahead and write in about it, I DARE YOU!!!!!