From: KENYON::RADAKS "Love and Rockets" 29-SEP-1993 17:07:25.62
To: RADAKS
CC:
Subj: an
Yes, it's us again. Add yet another chapter in our reign of e-mail terrorism,
Spellbinder Productions and Nineteen Nineties Studio present.......
ALTERNATIVE NEWS
29 SEPTEMBER 1993 VOLUME I
LOCAL NEWS
HANNON PARTY A SMASHING SUCCESS!!!
Exemplary planning on the part of Lisa Bidlingmeyer made the 19th
birthday of Kathleen Hannon (Saturday, September 25, 1992) a smashing success.
Her plan consisted of deceiving Hannon by making her think that only three
(Lisa Bidlingmeyer, Patricia Eschbach and Steven Radak) of her friends were
available to celebrate her birthday. Secretly, Bidlingmeyer had sent a covey
of friends to the Hunan Garden ahead of schedule to surprise Hannon when she
came in. And her expectation were rewarded. Hannon was indeed most surprised,
pleased, and embarrassed with the true turn out of the party when she was
greeted with a rousing redition of "Hippo-Birdy to You. Surprise guests
included Peter Shapinsky, Benjamin Langberg, Scott Krell, Sarah Claflin, Carrie
Swan, and Amerwai "Shan" Reddy. The party guest enjoyed a wonderful repast of
Chinese cuisine and the birthday girl received a special dessert courtesy of
HunanGarden.
After their meal, the party retired to their vehicles (courtesy of
Scott Krell and Patricia Eschbach). At this point Hannon was blindfolded and
led to believe that she was being taken home by an extraneous route. Instead
she was taken to Deerfield Lanes on the way outskirts of Mt Vernon. Due to an
ingenious shortcut, Hannon had no clue where she was going even though she had
been there before. The party members partook of bowling and gift giving as
Hannon was awarded the opening of a gift for each strike and ten-pin spare.
The game itself was reduced to a contest to see how fast the players could get
Hannon to open her presents. She did get to open them all before the end of
the game.
The party then rounded off with a visit to the Peeps Deranged Debutante
Dance. Although some of the party-goers parted company at this point, a good
portion remained on to dance the end of the night out in style.
All in all this paper applauds the efforts of Lisa Bidlingmeyer. Her
efforts to make her friend's birthday something special are inspiring. Kudos
to you, Lisa.
-Reality Press
Alright so there was something real here. Gotta keep ya' caught up on current
events. There will only be one of these per issue.
ARA BECOMES MOM
In a move generally disapproved of by the student body, the ARA has
decreed that no one shall be allowed to leave any of the eating facilities
until his/her plate is clean. A spokesperson for the ARA told AN, "We believe
that it is shame the way food is wasted around here so we're going to put a
stop to it." A related policy instituted in an effort to stop food waste is
pointed toward recycling. The policy mandates that all uneaten food shall be
recylced into a meal to be served later. This policy although unpopular with
students was not surprising. A student who wished to remain anonymous gave
this statement on the policy. "We don't like it but then again we thought they
had always been doing that." There is also a policy in the making of
publishing the ingredients in the components of the meals. A large faction of
the student body is currently opposing this measure vehemently.
A possibly related matter is the sharp increase in business for the
local restuarants of Gambier and Mt. Vernon. It is suspected that students,
who gambled on the edibility of the ARA food anyway, have chosen alternate
methods of obtaining sustenance when faced with the possiblity of actually
having to finish their meals.
Another possibly related story is the increase in food poisoning cases
in the Health Center. I think this one's self explanatory folks.
-Deranged Press
FINANCIAL AID OFFICE HELPS STUDENT PAY TUITION OR DID THEY
As I'm sure the reader is aware, this school's policy of need-blind
financial aid has been chucked in the circular file. However, a secret
investigation has shown that a number of Kenyon students are receiving an
all-expense paid education with top grade housing included. These people don't
even have to pay for books. We started becoming suspicious when we found that a
good majority of these people came from families whose income did not justify
the amount of aid they were receiving. Further investigation revealed
startling news. These select students were part of an undercover prostitution
ring for Mt Vernon locals. These shocking facts were discovered by an intrepid
reporter for this paper who followed a van containing nearly all of the members
of this group to a house out in the suburbs of Mt. Vernon. He describes what
he saw as "lewd and disgusting, but somehow arousing". He proceeded to
investigate further by going in undercover and posing as a local. He describes
the female members of the group as "wanton and skilled". He intends to take a
female reporter to get the goods on the male members of the group while he
investigates the female members with more scrutiny. When questioned on the
validity of his return, he remarked, "We must investigate each one seperately
lest we accuse someone wrongly". Yeah we're buyin' it. So just remember, when
you talk about Financial Aid screwing you over, they also do it literally as
well.
-Lewd Fantasy Press
And you thought I forgot about you. Not!!! Most of you have no idea what I'm
talking about here but that's okay you'll find out in a second.
The Week in Quotations
"We're not laughing at you, we're laughing near you."
-Robin Williams "Dead Poet's Society"
"We're not laughing at you....Yes we are!"
-Steven Radak (some smart-ass crack)
This was an idea stolen from Sarah Slater. It consists of making a
list of silly statements people make. I have chosen to make it a weekly thing.
And with out further ado and in no particular order, here is the week in
quotations.
{While be reprimanded for calling Sarah S. and Mark B. misguided souls}
"I'm unguided, not misguided. I guide myself."
{While speaking on going home for October Break}
"My dad lives in Pennsylvania...but only on the weekends."
-Lisa B.
{While being asked about Bill Harris's roommate}
"He's a D-Phi. I met him at the AD's."
-Sarah S.
{At lunchtime any day}
"See you at dinner." Time 11:30
{At dinnertime any day}
"See you at lunch." Time 5:30
-Scott K.
{While describing the behavior of Mark M. and Andy R. at a party}
"They were touching my calves. Oh that's okay, I said they could."
-Kathy R.
{These were said within two minutes of each other while Carol M. and Sarah S.
were discussing being lazy.}
"What we need is a land canoe."
"We should get a door for our window"
-Carol M.
And the "Oh I'll bet you wish you hadn't said that" award goes to Owen
Jambor for this:
While discussing whether I would loan him my car or not Owen said these
words:
"You don't have to lend me the car, but I did change my personal again."
At which point I responded with an inquiry on whether he was trying to
influence my decision. He answered with:
"We wouldn't do that. You're just lucky the subliminal messages
haven't kicked in yet."
And that my friend was your mistake.
My friend (bullshit) Owen (dipstick), I pray that (oh shit) in the
future you'll keep in mind (assuming you have one) that you are dealing with a
satirist who will make fun of anything and anybody (especially you). So
whenever you give me a loaded gun (we like guns) keep in mind that I have
every intention of shooting you with it (we like blood). The term "loaded
comment" is deathly true when dealing with my wit (or lack thereof) I hope
this message (veiled threat) has made it's point.
Sincerely (more bullshit)
-The Management
(We hope you have a sense of humor about this)
I did lend him the car.
Congratulations. You have schlepped through the first edition of Alternative
News. For those of you who are still reading or are illiterate and are
pretending to be reading remember there are people who can help you. We are
taking submissions for this paper in all departments. Submissions to the
quotes department must be witnessed. We'll do the libel and slander around
here.