tonight i sit here anxious. my mind wandering and my heart racing. thoughts drifting to the future. to what very well be one of the most exciting weekends of my life. yet i fret. i am afraid it will turn out just like all the things that should have been wonderful memories that would have been kept locked away in my mind for the rest of my life. all the events the people seem to take for granted. the prom. the first love. both of my parents at graduation. a happy home. the weather. my boss. my self. anything could screw this up now. i'm so worried and i will stay that way until i get off the plane in rammstien. i will probably be thinking impurely until i step out of millers bmw in mannhiem. i just don't believe such a wonderful thing can actually happen to me. that such a wonderful event will actually take place and become memories in my head. i even bought a camera just so i could capture everything. the trip to berlin. the swiss mountains. the weed in amsterdam. the waters of vienna. everything. i keep telling myself to have faith. to keep hope alive. it will all work out. they are all rooting for me. they all want to see me. i'm sure as much as i wish to see them. and to make my heart worse i fear me and hopper are on our last legs of a meaningful relationship. my last fingure of home. home is where you lay your head. home where the heart is. home is the where the army tells me it is. and all three are not the same. all three are diffrent. i'm making the best of my life. i'm creating happiness everyday. even if i have a bad haircut. i don't worry so much about others and i'm trying to let the world move and be part of it joyously. everyday should be wrapped with a bow because it is a gift. maybe from the heavens. maybe from drill sergent thrower. maybe from my mom. or maybe from jesus who happens to be an alien and his father a dj.
December 28, 1999