Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in bed, but fine against a wall."
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir....mighty scarce.
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will become happy; if you get a bad one, you will become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups...alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Money cannot buy you happiness....but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
I do not feel old. I do not feel anything until noon. Then it is time for my nap.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older....it will avoid you.
Maybe it is true that life begins at sixty six....but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
The cardiologist's diet....If it tastes good...spit it out
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step....he is too old to go anywhere.
Be careful of your tongue....It is kept in a wet place and could easily slip.
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According to John Heitz.....HIM