NAME: Sara Snoopsalot
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right man (or at least one that will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. Seriously, though, whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I would not be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000.00 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that is not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for Middle Management hostility
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I am worth
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens, paper clips and post-it notes
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked
HOURS AVAILBLE TO WORK: Any
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they are better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - NO! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy sugar daddy who thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I would like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh, yes, absolutely, definitely.
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