This was created a long while ago, by some very bored people! It probably lacks any sense, and unfortunatley the story was deleted due to lack of space on the world challenge bulletin board. I saved what I could before it was deleted, and heres the story.....
..Commando was a very special dog, for he had both undergone a sex change and had served alongside troops in the gulf as a Special Animal Service paradoggy...
.... and has now been charged with indecent exposure after landing at a football game with only his paracute to cover him/her self
...I mean, why can't a dog go around without clothes on? Anyway, I gather that Commando's application to model boxers for NEXT was rejected...can't wonder why? He had considered the priesthood, but prefered nylon (parachutes) to the concept of a dog collar - besides, a naked priest on four legs might frighten all the kiddies...
So, enough of the remarkable Commando...Lets return to little Darren in the park...
Darren was walking his faithful pooch when suddenly and violently attacked by Tozzle, and screaming for his life at being ambushed by something so hugely grotesque, he fled to the floating greenhouse in the middle of the ocean, where it met a suicidal goldfish with a tiny ickle cute castle in the bottom of it's bowl... However, despite him thinking he could become good friends with the goldfish, the goldfish put a gun to his head, so Darren
...quickly pulled out his pocket sized EPIRB and set it off, before thumping the fish and battering it a bit. The poor dazed fish looked at the naked Commando, said "What�s up, soldier?", then promptly put his gun against his own head and pulled the trigger, fulfilling his lifelong dream that his name suggested. Thus, with a bound, Darren leapt free, grabbed the gun and ate the gold fish which he said tasted nice and sweet!!!!! There's nothing better than a battered fish! Little Darren somehow strangely (as things go on this bulletin board) ended up at Buxton (as everything seems to do) and met his nemesis, an evil world challenge leader called... but no he was mistaken, it wasn�t a wce leader, it was that damned EPIRB again. (Pirby as he was known on expo!) But, it is acceptable that he thought it was a WCE leader, because the EPIRB has magical powers, with which he can turn himself in to anything from a WCE leader to a lemon. Fortunately he didn't choose to turn himself into a lemon but instead chose to turn into a pane of glass and placed himself conviently right at the end of the 100m trak at the Olympics, which 4 some reason were taking place in Buxton. Luckily, being at Buxton, Darren had some of that darn useful DUCK TAPE!! Sensing an imminent disaster he quickly taped a large cross on the glass so the runners wouldn't run into it. However...what he hadn't realised was that the duck tape had an evil duck hiding in it. This Duck cast a spell on everyone in Buxton which made them all go mad and start posting barmy topics on this board. Life eh? But the duck wasn't sure whether he/she was a duck or a duct, so he/she asked a nearby bystander called Suzi for some advice "Well..." Suzi began, stroking her chin thoughtfully, but before she could continue she was gang raped by a roll of duck tape and then she went off to slit her wrists, subsequently dying anyway, meanwhile the Duck had struck again! And darren was next! off he went running as fast as he could when suddenly he ran straight into the pane of glass (aka the evil perby the epirb) previously forgotten in all the commotion and ermmmm....gang raping going on. Unfortunatly, the duck died but everyone had a nice roast duck for tea after the games and the duck was reborn once it passed through the human digestive system, it swam around the toilet bowl and flew away back to the park and ate darren And once Darren had passed through the duck's digestive system he was reborn too! He didn't swim around the toilet bowl however, he jumped out and ran far far away to a new land free from evil ducks and duct tape, where he met Davina Macaull (sp?) - who informed him that she had just cooked a sunday lunch, and suggestively invited darren into her palace for lunch. However, as soon as Darren stepped into her palace, Davina shouted "you're live on channel four please DO NOT swear!�
"**** me!!!!" said Darren, and immediately two rather large and you could say burly men came and grabbed hold of him, he struggled but 1 of them snarled "Don't make a sound we are the henchmen of Peter the one eyed lobster!
*******************************************************************************************
Back to top
Clairey Fairy's home
Now, what we don't yet know is that Darren has a completely irrational fear of lobsters. He screamed loudly at the mention of Peter, and wrestled himself free from the vice-like grip of the lobster's burly henchmen. He ran from Davina's palace, shouting after him, "And I used to be a fan of big brother too!" At which Davina broke down and decided the pressure of being a celebrity was too much... she ran after Darren and followed as he started to make his way to the Celebrity Big Brother house, where he joined the house mates who were keeping a pet duck and Davina had a pet epirb!..... Darren screamed and was overcome by a massive e rection which caused a slight problem in the CBB house. Meanwhile his dog was busy with Davina's pet poodle.
Darren then realised he could not longer stand the so called 'entertainemtn' show cbb nad ran out wavin his arms a screamin obsenatize (sp?) at the "celebraties", grabbin his dog on the way (much ot 'its' discust) ran all the way 2 airport to catch a random flight out of this god for sakein wet country. while there who should he meet but Roger Rabbit in the seat opposite on his way to a photo shoot in Peru along with a world challenge leader by his side saying 'you will enjoy this, you will enjoy this' and darren tell me the 4 stages of team building... (his dog wets itself on the cabin stewards foot) forming, storming, norming and performingand thats what darren did with the air stewardess... (as in real life darren wasn't really very good at performing) this was because when Darren was a little boy his toes were pulled off by a mean green monster called "Bludger" and so his childhood dream of becoming a ballet dancer was wiped away in a few seconds.
So instead he chose to live his life being unusualy happy for sum1 without any toes, and this particular day he chose to sit in a small room with a purple monkey called dwayne eating Cheese and playin a strange game called Kibushata where you fire bullets through the ceiling until the little bats in the room above begin to sing, a great chorus of bat tunes erupted singing the soon to be number one hit " i have a monkey in my basement, its my mums replacement, ill teach it to talk and take it for a walk blah blah blah" however Darren finally arrived in Peru to build his new life away from our god forsaken country. On arrival he was greeted by a strange man, wearing nothing but a fig leaf and singin christmas carols (and it was the middle of july)but all the same he followed him to Las Vegas (which was a long trek) where they were married in a small chapel on the strip by an elvis lookey-likey called edna. Now obviouslythe wedding nite was randy, but ill leave the details up 2 ur imagination! But it was a short lived marriage as darrens new hubby was actually a pysco murderer. and it was a ll rather grusum, but the long and short of it is darren away feed 2 sharks and digested only 2 bv reborn as a lil blue and yellow fish called Daz. Daz loved swimming (surprise surprise) and one day he swam all the way down from the sea, down the river, down a canal to Buxton!!!!!
Aaaaarrrrgggh! anyways, ...he decided he'd had quite enough excitment at Buxton recently so wanted to go somewhere else, and he got the train to Whitechapel, home of the notorious Jack the Ripper, and frogs of many talents, where he met prince Charles, who kissed him, and Daz became human. However, when daz looked in the mirror to his shock he realised he was only half human, he sat down as he began to think how he would take life being half human, half
turtle. So he decided to go to the beach and go for a swim in the sea.
The cabin steward was actually a stewardess and was called "Dave Growhl" (sp?) The WC Leader was the crazy mad oppsessive type (shock horror...like thats never happened before) and started runnign desperately around the plane searching for a first aid kit and such like things to sort out the disaster...when all of a sudden he tripped over breaking a pipe containing very posionous gases, leaving them to escape into the plane! the half man, half turtle, known as daz to the people close to him fell on the floor in a an act of desperation the mean green monster, flew overhead and snatched the WC leader, the first aid kit and Daz's biology coursework off the ground to a secret lair, a place known to Daz very well in his past two lives. This secret lair was called "The Imaginatively Named Secret Lair" and was the humble home of the well known and well respected person of the wce board, (rattray) only joking! The lair belongs to the peacemaker Suzi, who at the moment is currently having a break (or should that be break-down?!) from her politics essay reading olly's journal at 1.18 in the morning when she should have had the sense to get some sleep, cos she could be called(at a moment's notice!) to attend to her other job-member of the Force 4 Good----much like International Rescue, but without the strings.......(Ho Hummm......) but then Suzi realised it was nearly the end of term and she didn't have to do any more work. But lets go back to the lair where the WC leader got dropped by the mean green monster Into a pool full of sharks with laser beams attached to their heads (well every animal deserves a warm meal!)...Or were they mutated sea Bass?
******************************************************************************************
Back to top
Clairey Fairy's home
Well suzi got hold of some dental floss and through it around a pipe and pullled herself clear before the one inept (?sp) guard got to her. suzi then pushed the guard into the water and A big fat eagle flew through the sky, snatching her by its talons and took her to its nest where she met (Olly) sitting in the nest pretending to be an eagle chick, and squawking like hell this alarming noise and the frightening face (sorry Olly!) led the eagle to drop suzi to the ground and not into the nest, which happened to be outside a chip shop in Basingstoke. So suzi went into the chip shop and ordered a battered cod called Henry and some chips called Fatty, Greasy and Mouldy, served by no other than Daz who charged her �1.50 for the lot. suzi then walked out of the shop when suddenly a seagull shat on her head and Informed Suzi that she was eating his best friend. Yes...you see seagulls and fish are very close....and because of this crime she had committed to the bonds between birds and fish everywhere, the seagull, whose name was Herbert, punished Suzi by ...****ting on her again, then eating the fish himself. Life eh?
It wasn't Suzi's day, so she decided to visit the new training centre at Crickhowell, which is right by the army training camp. Suzi got lost & ended up IN the army training camp, where she met corporal grundy, that oh so fit corporal, who made her do 60 press ups before the obstacle course, where she saved herself from the humiliation of falling flat on her face by flashing her "BLEEP BLEEP" at the "lucky" corporal, and then proceeding to "BLEEP BLEEP" him in a nearby forest... (Insert appropiate words to fill in the BLEEP's) then oliver woke up from his perverted dream...back to suzi saving herself from humiliation she suddenly remembered something, leant over and whispered into the corporals ear. He started laughing in disbelief and called all of his army chums together, as suzi led them to the place where just as she said, they discovered a mad and perverted idiot pretending to be an eagle, but just as they pulled out their cameras he pulled a mooney, causing a massive great light which blinded everyone and melted the cameras.
That light was caused by the remains of a kebab from the night before igniting due to the open flames near by. the who palace set alight almost instantly causing a nearby fox to get scolded with no firemen to put out the fire because the firemen were at that very moment hosing down the chip shop where Daz now worked, in Basingstoke. Daz had, very irresponsibly just set the entire place on fire because he had not fully completed his safety training. He was immediately sacked by the chip shop owner (who was very angry and had turned purple). Anyway, back to Suzi- The 'eagle' shot them with his magic laser beam + they all became convinced they were eagles and started rowdily jumping about squawking, which caused the mountain where they were situated to
Turn into my hall of residence in Portsmouth, the mountain was brand new only built this year but it fell down and left daz and suzi sitting by the little green button you have to press to get out of the door. They then decided to climb out the window instead. Once outside they decided to go for a walk together and "get to know each other better", which in Daz's language means to go bungee jumping on the moon, which doesnt work cos you fall so slowly, so instead they had some *sweet applie pie* in the forest, when they got interrupted by pretending to ignore each other until jumping behind a large, blue, man eating bush next to a pond, in a very secluded place, and C.O Grimble, who joinedin, being ever so fond of applie pie, especially as bribes from loz 2 cheat on her exams and tozzle posted her 100th post, as the apple pie was shared around alot until the magic fruit tree ran out & evry1 resorted to eating mcdougalls, while Daz decided that it would be a good idea to set up the detergent powder company he had always dreamed of owning (With Shane Ritchie on board how could he fail?), but found himself without funding and parental support. What he decided to do was seek out that strange eagle's nest again. In doing so, he encountered an absolutely huge magical river, which tases of what ever u want it 2, to get rid of the horrible taste of mcdogells. he looked up over tot the other side and was amazed 2 see Ashley, who popped in to say hiya.... "hiya".. And the narrator leaned down from his cloud in the sky and said: "will this story EVER end? It'll go on 4 ever!� even if it makes no sense! anyways... Daz looked over the magic river and saw... oh my god it was Pirby again, reincarnated. The little lovable EPIRB was out for revenge, and so on the sight of Daz took he opportunity to Send out a message to his not so cute friend savage the satellite who was going to send down a super destructive laser beam that would turn Pirby into a ball of string.