| 8 May 2002 4:00 am Thursday Three papers left to write, and an exam on Friday. I'm taking a quick little break from doing one of the papers right now because I have an overwhelming need to not be doing work. I know I shouldn't because this paper counts for a big chunk of my grade, but my mind hurts. So here I am. My days here are quickly coming to an end. I got a reminder of this when I was driving around campus and saw all these cars packed to the brim heading home. Then I realized that when I do that in a few weeks, I'm not coming back. I have a need to express the deep emptiness I feel right now. I'm looking back at my life and trying to figure out what I have to show for it. I'm nearly done with 17 years of school. I've already been abroad over a dozen times. I've met thousands of people. But here I am looking at it all and saying, so? I think it's time I do an honest to God confessional right now. 1. My soul is aching to love and be loved, to need and be needed. I think I buried myself after I got burned that last time and now I'm paying the price. 2. I don't feel like I really belong to anyone. I feel like I have to accept the fact that I'm never going to come first in anyone's life. 3. I will always wonder about the one I never told my feelings to. 4. I haven't had a purely heart-wrenching crying session in a long time, which is bad because that means I haven't felt any emotions strong enough. 5. I am afraid that once we graduate, people I'll think about will completely forget I exist. 6. I'm afraid that all of the emotions I put out there have been for naught. 7. I HATE doubting myself. 8. I hate being under appreciated, or not appreciated at all. 9. I desparately want to feel fire in my soul again. 10. I feel like I haven't accomplished what I was supposed to already. 11. I know that people will disregard what I say now because I'll be smiling tomorrow. 12. This is NOT a pity party, it is a venting session. I don't want any responses in regards to this. I guess I'm just asking that I'm not seen as merely one-dimensional. 13. I crush easily on people, and regularly convince myself to feel more. 14. I think people underestimate me and disregard what I have to say. 15. I am envious of people who are happy. 16. I am not ready to die yet. 17. I wish I was beautiful. 18. As much as I'm entirely sure of who I am, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm right. 19. I can't even write poetry anymore because I barely feel anything. 20. I have been alone since the 6th grade. 21. I do not like losing the connection with people I used to feel close to. 22. I am a proud person. 23. I think sunrises are more imporant than sunsets, but sunsets are more dramatic. Yeah, so this took a whole lot longer than I expected, so I'm gonna get back to writing my paper. |
| howl |