Click here to go to Dick Pleasure part 6
[Things seem to be rather dominated by this whole money paying in scene so I'm bringing in another character to see if the Lads take any bait. If not, at least they'll be thinking what the fuck....
Some explanation: Maycago Entuboca sounds very similar to "I shit in your mouth" in Spanish, the phone number is of a Spanish restaurant. ]
#38
My dear Thomas and Jonathan,
Let me introduce myself. I am Maycago Entuboca and I am a "business associate" of a friend of ours called Dick Pleasure. I hope you don't mind me contacting you both but Fanny gave me your e-mail addresses a few weeks ago as you both said you wanted to star in the filming of the next "Shit Eaters" film. Well, it was my company that made the last film in the series but that bastard Dick somehow managed to get the francise for the next film by foul-play.
He spread a rumour throughout the industry that the excrement used in the making of my film was not human but dog mess. This resulted in the Vice Squad (Police) getting involved and the film was subsequently banned. Perversely, this led to the film being an underground classic and as I have been the sole (illegal) vendor of the film I have grossed $250,000,000 this year alone. That loser Dick was so annoyed!!
Anyway, I'll get to the point. I am planning to make my own sequel called "Love Chocolate" and I want you two boys to be the stars. I am willing to pay you both �10 MILLION EACH. I'm sure that is a lot more than what Dick has been offering you. Think about it for a few days.
However, there is something else. Something IMPORTANT you should know about Dick. Fanny told me that you and Dick might be completing some kind of deal. I have some information that I think you should know concerning the deal. If you want to know what it is then you must call
0207 XXX XXXX and ask for me. It would REALLY be in your interest to know this. Dick is up to something.
Best Regards,
Maycago Entuboca
#39
Dear Mr. Dick,
It seems you are playing with our company. We asked you earlier to forward the Payment Slip but still yet, you dont want to reach us.
What is wrong with you? Are you playing or joking with us?
Send the payment slip immediately because our bank in Taiwan haas not confirm the money.
Thomas Brown.
[Dumb bastard]
Hi Thomas,
I was not given a conformation slip by the bank - you initially asked for a receipt which is what I sent you. If you bothered to read my last email it would of told you that I was in Spain (which I will be to later on in the week). When I come back to the UK I will look into getting a conformation slip as you asked. Actually, I don't really know what you mean by a conformation slip - could you please give a little more guidance as to what it is you are after. I phoned up the bank from Spain and they said the counterfoil should be ok and that they don't do conformation slips!!?!. Of course the money has not gone into your Taiwanese bank account yet - did you know it has been Christmas recently you jackass! Bankers have holidays too!!!
Your pleasure is my purpose,
Dick Pleasure
[Just give me a little time to russle up some more official looking tat to send them. They seem to like that]
#40
Hi Jonathan and Thomas,
How are you both? You have been very quiet recently! I mailed you recently asking if you have heard from that idiot Dick. That bastard has still got my money. Have you been in contact with him recently?
I hear you haven't replied to my friend Maycago Entuboca yet about the film "Love Chocolate". Email him or phone him for god's sake! Let me tell you that you will be starring with myself and a friend of mine called Mr.Gimp. His photo is included as an attachment. The money for the film is good no? I know we can all be very rich from this and we all shall get to know each other a little better. Thomas, have you got the time to come up to Manchester so we can take some measurements. I want to get you fitted for a costume like Mr.Gimp. Jonathan is going to be the dung beetle so he won't be wearing a mask.
I hope you had a good christmas the both of you. Let me know how you both are.
Love
FP
[I attached this photo of Mr.Gimp who wants to be in the film with the Lads.]
#41
Dear Dick Pleasure,
All you need to do is to phone the bank or you visit
the them and ask the to give you the PAYMENT SLIP OR
TELEX CONFIRMATION to confirm that the fund has been
remitted into our account in Taiwan.
As soon as you receive the slip, please attach and
send it to us immediately to enable us invite you for
clearing your fund. Remember that we have assured you
that OUR COMPANY SHALL ASSIST YOU IN PAYING THE FUND
INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IN SPAIN OR MAN U.
Do forward the slip immediately.
I am waiting,
Thomas Brown.
[Eh? I don't want my money going to Manchester United. What is he on about? More reason to expect that Thomas Brown is not actually from the UK. Incidently, myself and a friend had a go at tracing his IP but came up with inconclusive results. Mokoena's IP traces back unsurprisingly to Lagos]
[I feel it's time to get a little crazy again....]
Dear Thomas and Jonathan,
I am now back in London and have managed to get the same room I was staying at in Wardour Street. Spain was a great break but boy!!! - it's cold here!! When you come back to Spain with me you're going to love it, its 25C there so there'll be no steamers. Thomas - did Jonathan tell you that he is having a scrotal implant operation for the film? That's why he calls himself "Bucky Balls". I think you should have the same really - gives some symmetry. The operation will be performed by the top class surgeon Anthony John Hardy. The operating theatre is actually in his council flat but he has converted it into a center of surgical excellence. There has been a bit of a misunderstanding recently where he has been in a bit of trouble, but I'm sure it will all be resolved soon enough for the film.
Thomas - I need to know the name of your first pet and your mothers maiden name so that we can get an idea of a name for you for the film.
I spoke to the HSBC bank on Friday and they said that they could photocopy the paying-in slip I used to pay in the cash. They said I would have to come back on Monday so this I will do. I will then get the paying-in slip scanned and sent to you as an attatchment.
So, please - the name of your first pet and mothers maiden name?
Your pleasure is my purpose,
Dick Pleasure
[Anthony John Hardy has been in the UK news rather a lot recently. He's been a very naughty boy but it might freak the lads out a bit I suppose. Maybe this is going a little too far? Sorry, I don't mean to make fun of somebody's murder. ]
#42
[And perhaps crazy a little more.....but with an excuse?]
Hi Thomas,
Please find enclosed as an attatchment a scan of the photocopy of the paying-in slip for the transaction. I'm really sorry but that bitch Fanny has given your contact details to an old business friend and now arch enemy Maycago Entuboca. This man is evil Thomas, do not believe a word he says. I think he wants to steal you and Jonathan away from me. You and Jonathan belong to me, do your hear me? Do you hear? I'm not sharing you two with anyone. As easy as I have made you, I can break you. Do you hear me? I'm your Daddy. I'm your daddy now. Whose your daddy boys? Whose your daddy? Tell me. You and Bucky Balls are my bitches. My bitches. If you cannot give me your pets first name and your mothers maiden name you will have to be known as "The Thing" and things don't last very long in the industry. Things tend to disappear.
What do we do now regarding the transaction. When do I meet you my precious?
Your pleasure is my purpose,
Dick Pleasure
PS. I am sorry about this email. Forgive me - I am drunk.
[I think they want a copy of the paying in slip - but doesn't the bank keep this? Anyway to keep them happy I oblige as its easy to do being all made up. Click this link to see the paying in slip I sent them as an attatchment. Two days have now passed with now reply. Perhaps my last couple of emails were a little strong. Also, obviously the money will not appear in Taiwan so I don't know how they will react to this. Badly? Let's see what responce a sane message to Thomas (cc:Mokoena) brings if anything...]
#43
Hi Thomas,
I haven't heard from you recently. Is there a problem? Please - I get nervous when I do not know what is happening, afterall I have just paid you over �15000. Please e-mail me just to let me know that everything is OK. Are we going to meet this week? Sorry about the e-mail the other day. I was very drunk and get very annoyed when I think about Fanny.
Your pleasure is my purpose,
Dick Pleasure.
Dear Dick Pleasure,
Thank you for the mail. We are working hard to confirm the payment in our Taiwan bank in taipei. As soon as the payment is confirmed, I will get intouch with you and we shall invite you immediately to come and carry your fund with the trunk boxes.
Thank you for your co-opeartion.
Thomas Brown.
Global Securities and Finance Firm.
[I think you'll have to work bloody hard then, hee hee hee! I am starting to wonder how much longer I can spin this out for. Any suggestions are welcomed!]
#44
Attn: Dick Pleasure
From: Thomas Brown
This is to inform you that our Head - Office and our
parent company in Taiwan, The Young Fast Enterprises
Company have returned back to us the payment slip you
just sent to us stating that it is not authentic and
not real-meaning that you have not made any payment to
our account with the Cheng Chung branch Taiwan bank
account.
Also, our Head office company have directed that if
after the next week your said end claimed payment is
not confirmed in our bank account with the bank
account earlier sent to you, then, we shall seize to
communicate with you again. Moreover, we shall send
back your consignment to our regional office in Africa
where you will go physically and claimed and then pay
the necessary demurrage, administrative and handling
charges etc.
Do let the bank know that we have not confirmed the
payment you made.
Therefore, you still have up to next week to clear
yourself and prove that you made the stated payment
since the said payment have not be substantiated nor
confirmed into our account upon your claimed.
Furthermore, you are ask to call the bank where you
claimed to have made the payment enrout to our own
bank account to send to you the Tellex transfer
details or Tellex confirmation of the payment if you
really made the payment to our account otherwise, we
would be force to send back your consignment back to
our regional base in Africa indefinitely etc.
Finally, act fast, send the Tellex Transfer details or
confirmation. The ball is on your court.
Yours faithfully,
Thomas Brown,
Global Security & Finance Company.
[Strange that he realizes its a fake yet asks for a telex conformation by the bank. Perhaps he is bluffing...we can play on this a little...]
Hello Thomas my son, it is Daddy.
Relax. I can assure you that the payment slip is authentic and that the money has been deposited at the HSBC. Can you trust your bank? I don't trust banks whatsoever. They are fraudsters in my view - just look at Enron and Worldcom. Maybe your bank are trying to scam you too? Why don't you go to an HSBC bank in this country and ask them to confirm its authenticity? That would seem obvious wouldn't it? Why take the word of crooked Chinese banks? Sometimes Thomas I really worry for you. You seem very green and trusting. Have you heard from Maycago? With your trusting disposition I am worried that a man like that will take advantage of you and violate you. I don't want to worry you but I would not be surprised if Maycago was behind any scam with the Chinese banks. He has long tentacles with the banking world and can be very persuasive. You must stay with me Thomas. I will look after you. I will look after both you and Jonathan. Everything is going to be OK and we are all going to be very rich.
I will go to the HSBC bank on Monday and see what they can do about confirming the transaction. I'm sure we shall get to the bottom of this.
I am still awaiting the name of your first pet and your mothers maiden name. When Dee gets very vicious with Things she says she is rewarded with coloured lights and music. I don't advise being called "The Thing". The last thing she played with ended up in a wheely-bin.
Come to Daddy, Thomas. Everything is going to be okay.
Your pleasure is my purpose,
Dick Pleasure
#45
[And the prodigal son returns...with a new e-mail address. Actually Jonathan was beginning to annoy me with his bad attitude so I reported his account to the abuse outblaze desk]
Dear Brother Dick,
Compliment of the season.
I write to confirm to you that my former email account on "africamail.com" is
having a problem, so you have to be contacting me on this one
([email protected]).
In fact, what is happening between you, the bank where you claimed to have made
the payment and Mr. Brown? Why can't you ask the bank to give you the payment
receipt so that you will send to Mr. Brown? How can you make the since last year
but till now they cannot cash the money? Why don't you put a tracer now?
Mr. Dick, I must tell you, I am not happy the way you are handling this
transaction. You must do something now if "you are for real". I still doubt your
person.
I expect to hear from you now that you have collected the real proof of payment,
which is the payment slip from the bank and have send to Mr. Brown. However, I
want to see a copy of it.
I am waiting.
Jonathan.
[Oh, I'm for real baby.]
Brother Bucky,
How are you my son? I hope that you are well and not too porky after the recent festivites. You will need to be in tip top shape for the film and you will be fed well over here in Manchester.
I sent you a copy of the receipt and a copy of the paying-in slip to your africamail account a few days ago. There has been a small problem with the transfer of the money. I have paid the money in but it has not appeared in the Taiwanese bank account. The manager of my bank has said that this could be due to a block being put on the Taiwanese account, possibly due to fraudulent use. He is going to carry out a transaction tracer in order to find the money's whereabouts. I am sure that there is a very innocent explanation to all of this.
I hope you have been preparing for your testicular implant operation. I have booked you in for the 14th February over here in London. Very suitable date, don't you think? I will very soon send you a copy of the Model Release Form that you must sign in order to legally appear in the film. Once you have signed the form you must send it back to me. Take care my son. I think about you daily.
Your pleasure is my purpose,
Daddy Pleasure.
Dear Dick,
I have read your mail but I do not like the way you addressed me as your son.
How old do you think a you are? I am in my late fifties. So, you do not insult
me because we are into a deal.
However, I am much greatful to hear from you that you made the payment, but
since the money is not yet confirmed by Mr. Brown, you have to know that we are
not safe yet. So I would want you to hurry up the bank so that they will put up
the tracer, and if possible, you can ask Mr. Brown for another account for a
re-payment. This means you have to call back the money.
Concerning our film, I love as you have book me for the implant operation on the
14th Feb.
Meanwhile, coming to the documents you sent to me on africamail.com, I could not
see them due the the spoilage of that email account. But notwithstanding, fight
for the tracing of the money you have already paid into that account.
I hope to hear positively from you next.
Regards,
Jonathan.
[On the 14th February, Bucky Balls the maggot will become Bucky balls the butterfly (with huge plums)]
#46
Attn: Dick Pleasure
From: Thomas Brown
Dear Sir,
Thanks for your message, however our management are
not happy with the way and manner you are handling or
treating your case/consignment matter with us.
It looks you are taking the matter with disdain,
naivety, and laxity. Also your claimed to have made a
payment of USD25,000 into our parent company bank
account in Taiwan is untrue. The payment have not been
confirmed up to now. Even our Head office have made
several banking checking with the view of confirming
this payment but yet all to no avail.
Consequently, you are directed to hasten up action.
Check up with your bank. This HSBC and ask them what
is happening and what the matter. Furthermore, kindly
send the telex Transfer details of the payment you
claimed to have paid and do make sure that it reaches
us urgently before 15th of January 2003. if by the end
of this week we did not confirmed this payment, then
we would be force to shipped your consignment back to
our basein Africa where you would then go and fight
for our case etc.
The ball is on your court.
Thanks
Regards
Thomas Brown
Hello Thomas my son,
I have been in conversation with the HSBC Bank and my African colleague. It is really most unfortunate that we are having problems at this advanced stage of the transaction as I really don't want to bother my Jonathan as he is readying himself for the testicular implant operation next month, pending Anthony Harding's courtcase.
It has been decided by all parties involved (and advised by HSBC) that a transaction tracer be carried out by HSBC. For this the HSBC bank has asked me for the phone number of your Bank of Taiwan and also the email address of the bank manager there. THEY SAY THAT THIS INFORMATION IS ESSENTIAL FOR THEIR ENQUIRIES. Could you please furnish me with these details as soon as possible. The bank manager of the HSBC where I paid the money in said that the most likely cause of the delay is that a block of some kind has been put on your account due to fraudulent use. Do you know anything about this?
I will soon have to send to you and Jonathan copies of the Model release forms for you to sign in order for you legally to appear in the film. Until then I require you to do some training. Could you please practise shitting into a jar whilst squatting over it. The aperture of the jar must roughly be as big as a mouth. You will need to master this technique as a reasonable amount of dexterity is involved. For the film, every nugget must land cleanly into Jonathan's mouth. Any misses and we shall have to cut. Shit is money my son.
Your pleasure is my purpose,
Daddy Pleasure
[I looked on the web and there was very little information about this bank I am supposed to pay money into. I did actually find another joke correspondence that used the same account. If I can get the contact details I might be able to get their account closed down!]
[I'd actually forgotten about the model release forms but I think it would be funny if I could get either of these clowns to sign some ridiculous form I sent them and get them to send a scan of it back]
#47
[A day passes without any word from Mr.Brown so I decided to sound serious about the deal again as I know that Jonathan absolutely loves it when I do that. I can just hear him purring. I CC'ed Jonathan into the email below.]
Dear Mr.Brown,
Could you please furnish me with the contact details of the Taiwanese Bank. The HSBC bank require the telephone number and the e-mail address of the bank manager to facilitate the transaction tracer. I am starting to expect that you are purposely delaying this deal in order to receive a higher payment for demmurrage. This is highly unethical. My African colleague, Jonathan Mokoena (who works for the African Union) has been informed. This is the second time I have had to warn you about your unprofessional conduct. I am starting to seriously doubt your integrity.
I am waiting.
Your pleasure is my purpose,
Dick Pleasure.
Dear Brother Dick,
I have read the mail you addresed to Mr. Brown and I am happy in the contents
of the mail.
It is either they give you another account for a re-payment as soon as you and
the bank traced the money and get it called back.
I have equally warned Mr. Brown that if he ask for any higher demurrage charge,
you and i will not pay because the delay of haveing the consignments is coming
from them and not you.
Brother, let us see what will happen before the week runs out.
Regards,
Jonathan.
[Good mugu. Mugu purrs. Jonathan actually made the subject heading of this e-mail "I'm with you". It really touches me that I have your support Jonathan!]
Dear Dick Pleasure,
Thank you for your mail. Infact, I am about to send you a mail before you forward your own mail.
Please since we are having defficulties in confirming the payment, could you go/visit the bank and recall the money back? I think, this is very easy for you to do because you have all the documents/receipt.
As soon as you withdraw the money back, I will immediately pass another account where you have to make the payment. Please this should be done immediately you receive this mail. How are you today?
I am waiting,
Thomas Brown.
Please mail me as soon as you recall the money.
[Ha Ha!! The idiot climbs down as soon as I ask him contact details of the bank in Taiwan, even after accusing me of sending him (badly) faked documents. This might give me some time to work the Model Release forms into the story....and I thought this was all starting to wind down.]
Click here to goto Dick Pleasure part 6