#30
[Enter Fanny once more]
Jonathan,
That bastard Dick has ran off with my money and my fucking sister. I haven't heard from him since he left. Have you heard from him?
If you are still in contact with him, tell him I have hired a hitman to trace him down and kill him. That bastard will be dead by Monday!
why haven't you phoned me?
Don't you love me anymore?
Big kisses
Fanny
[Let's see if Jonathan passes this good news onto Dick. Maybe Dick will be bumped off before he can make payment and no money for mugu]
#31
Attn: Mr. Richard Dick Pleasure,
From: Mr. Thomas Brown,
Dear Sir,
Re: Shippment of your fund.
We thank you for your mail. I apologise for the little delay in communication, it was due our Annual General Meeting (AGM) of our Company for closing of the year 2002. We are willing to deliver your fund to you as long as you agreed to co-operate with us.
Your message's have been forwarded to our African Regional Office after the receipt. According to our Directors, your inability and uneccessary delay from your side and the harrassment of your wife to Mr. Thomas Brown over this shippment. We have agreed to take another step and as soon as you comply with the instruction given to you below, we have to invite you and soon after, we shall deliver your fund to you.
Our Company; The Global Securities and Finance Firm will on Monday the 16th December forward our receiving account to you where you will be advise to pay the bill charge of US$25,000.00 prior to the release of your fund.
As soon you make the payment to the account, we shall give you appointment when you will visit us and claim your money.
Thank you.
Mr. Thomas Brown.
Global Securities and Finance Firm.
[A few little lies from Mr. Brown. Monday came and went. I was a bit worried I'd overdone it so I thought I'd better sound serious for at least one mail. I also cc'ed pet mugu into it.]
Dear Mr.Brown,
It was my understanding that today you were going to send me details of the bank account into which I was to pay the $25,000 in order to conclude this transaction. I have not heard from you today. Is there a problem? I am very keen to conclude this deal as soon as possible as I have to leave the country urgently. Your recent persistant time wasting is extremely unprofessional and I shall be informing my African partner of your lax attitiude. He is highly ranked in a international institution and I'm sure that any delay on your part would danger any future business. I am confident that this deal will be concluded by the end of the week.
Thankyou in advance of your expedient actions in conclusion with this business.
Your pleasure is my purpose,
Dick Pleasure
Dear Brother,
I have read the mail you send to Mr. Brown and I am happy you are trying to
conclude this business.
But at times, you sands so good in doing business but at times your speach makes
one to loose attention.
I am happy that you are having a good raport with Mr. Brown, and i have every
believe he will be sending to you that account today or tomorrow so that you
will make the payment to them as to enable us have the transaction concluded
this week.
Once again, you have to make sure that you adhere to his directives so that our
consignments will be released to us.
Expecting to hear from you soonest.
Regards,
Jonathan.
[Good mugu. Mugu purrs]
#32
Attn: Richard (Dick) Pleasure,
From: Thomas Brown,
Thank you for your mail. We are sorry for the little delay in communicating you. Remember we are dealing with cash and it always take us time to communicate. Be rest assured that there is no problem. Your fund is intact with the boxes and as soon as you make the payment with the account below, we shall inform you to come over for the clearing of your fund.
After our meeting with the Board of Directors of our Company, we agreed to use our foreign account to receive this payment and you are advised to effect the payment immediately so that we can meet together. Do not forget to send the receipt after you make the payment.
Please use our account number in Taiwan R.o.c to make the payment asap.
BANK OF TAIWAN
CHENG CHUNG BRANCH
NO. 47 TAIWAN TAIE RD.
TAIPEI, TAIWAN R.O.C
SWIFT: BKTWTWTP045
A/C NO: O45-007-000723
BENEFICIARY YOUNG FAST ENT. CO. LTD.
As soon as you make the payment, you will be given a receipt which you have to attach and forward it to us via email immediately to enable us put it in record. We shall invite you after we receive the copy of the receipt of the payment or payment slip. We hope to hear from you tomorrow and to have the payment slip.
Thank you.
Thomas Brown.
Global Securities and Finance Firm.
[Well, with the rude meeting card out the window, lets try and get this clown on a web cam!!
I found a great one which lets you look along Wardour Street nr. Leicester Square]
Dear Mr.Brown,
I have had such a TERRIBLE day today! Today in Leicester Square I was MUGGED in broad daylight and NOBODY stopped to help. They stole my money (about �300) and the Arthur Daley watches I had bought for Mr.Mokoena as gifts. They even took the one for Nononkem with the encrusted diamonds. I am so distraught as they cost nearly �8000!!!! I am only frail and I must look like such an easy target to all the thieves round here. The Police were asking questions like why was I in London and why did I have these watches on me. I am so scared of London now that I don't want to leave the room I'm staying in. On top of that, I recieved an email from Fanny that she has put a contract out on my life. You see the $25000 is not mine - it's Fanny's. I stole it from her and have ran down to to London with Dee (my girlfiend). We are going to use the proceeds of this deal to start a new life in Spain and to make the film "African Love Dog" with Jonathan "Bukky Balls" Mokoena (his penis is so long he can push it up his own arse - he told me himself!).
I NEED YOUR HELP MR BROWN!
I don't feel safe with the money. I don't want to walk to the bank with all this money. I might get mugged again! I will be so nervous that it will be obvious for some thief to steal it. There are so many criminals now in London from the rest of the world. PLEASE could you get someone to meet me and to escort me to the bank. I know this might take some organising so I suggest Thursday at 11am. I am staying in a room that overlooks the SLUG AND LETTUCE pub in WARDOUR STREET. If you can get someone to wait outside the main entrance at Thurday 11am I shall be able to see them from my window. I will then go down and meet them and we can make the payment into the bank. I CANNOT do this on my own.
I have booked a Ferry to go from Portsmouth to Spain for Tuesday. I cannot stay in London or this country longer than that. If the deal is not concluded by then I shall have to do it in the new year when the bad guys are off my scent.
Your pleasure is my purpose,
Dick Pleasure
["Your pleasure is my purpose" is a phrase from one of the Cheriegate emails. I just had to use it.]
#33
Attention: Richard (Dick) Pleasure
Dear Sir,
My company truly sympatise with you on the issue of
you being mugged. You can not afford to lose more
money especially this time of the year.
If you have received the details of our parent company
account in Taiwan (R.O.C), ensure that you make the
payment immediately and then forward us the
confirmation that it has been made. Now that you have
confirmed yourself to you hotel room because you are
afraid of the mug I suggest you call a cab company to
pick you up at the hotel. The cab should take you to
the nearest bank at which you can make the transfer.
Upon confirmation of the payment into your account, we
will then invite you over to the company�s office for
the clearing and claiming of your consignment. Make
sure you retain the receipt of the payment issued at
the bank, our company would require it to confirm you
are the genuine owner of the consignment. As an
alternative, you can split the amount into 15,000 and
10,000; then take a part at a time to the bank for
payment into our company�s account. This way you do
not run the risk of being robbed of the entire amount.
Be rightly informed that we shall not continue to
accept excuses from you. an acceptable level of
seriousness must be exhibited by you or in the absence
of this, you can as well consider losing the
consignment as the only alternative.
Looking forward to reading from you soonest.
Best regards
Thomas Brown
Nb: Do make sure you make the payment today or
tomorrow Thursday 19th, December, 2002
[Reply as expected. Have to do a little more work]
Dear Dick,
I write to inform you that I did not hear from you today despite that you have
received an account where you are to make payment of the US$25,000.00 to the
security company in London.
Could you please make the payment as they have directed you as to enable us have
the consignments released by the company on or before the 23rd of this month.
I am expecting you to confirm to me that you have made the payment with any
delay.
Regards,
Jonathan.
[Bad, impatient mugu. Baad mugu!! Don't get bossy with Dick Pleasure]
#34
Attn: Richards Dick Pleasure,
From: Thomas Brown,
Dear Sir,
This is to inform you that we are still waiting to receive the payment slip/confirmation through email (attachment).
Upon the receipt of the payment, we shall invite you to come and carry your fund. We shall also help you to deposit your money with your bank in your city or in Spain as you stated that you want to travel.
We shall soon be close for the year.
Thomas Brown.
Global Secutiries.
Dear Dick,
I could not hear from you either, what is happening? Have you send the money to
the securitry company's account? Let me know now.
However, delay is dangerous to business of such magnitude.
Youheave to be up and doing.
Regards,
Jonathan.
[Yet more pressure from the lads!!]
[Scamjunky: "Have you ever wanted to do panto, Dick?"
Dick Pleasure: "Funny you should say that - yes!"
Scamjunky: "Well, I think now's your chance!"]
Dear Jonathan and Thomas,
I am most UNHAPPY of your treatment of me. I have told you that I am SCARED and that I need help as I was recently mugged and no help has come from either of you, just pressure to do something I do not feel safe doing. What kind of teamwork is that?
All I ask is for someone to meet me near my hotel so they can escort me to the bank in safety. Jonathan, when we come to make the film, how can we have a good working relationship as you seem to have issues with the concept of teamwork. I am doubting I will be able to get a good money shot out of you. Your attitude to teamwork says vinegar shakes and self-gratification all over.
It was a cab driver that mugged me in London so I am not getting in another cab. You just can't trust anyone in London it seems. The only people I trust are you two and it seems you are reluctant to help me. I propose tomorrow (Friday) at 2pm outside the Slug and Lettuce pub on Wardour Street. If nobody is there to meet me then I shall have to start operation MOTHERGOOSE.
This is an ingenious plan inspired by last years panto season where I played the title role at the Royal Varieties in Romford. I will put money in condoms and swallow them. Then when I get to the bank I can literally make a deposit by laying a golden egg. I shall then wire this golden egg to your account in Taiwan. I reckon I can swallow about $1000 a time so this will take 25 journeys. Obviously I will only be able to lay 2 golden eggs until the new year. I will then have to waddle back from Spain next year if I am still alive for a few more deposits - unfortunately, Fanny seems to be keen to kill the goose who is laying your golden eggs. In case you are wondering, Les Dennis has got my job as Mothergoose this year but I doubt he is being paid as well as this mothergoose. Bastard!
I also have the additional problem of not having access to a scanner.
your pleasure is my purpose,
Dick Pleasure
#35
Dear Dick,
I have read your mail but i do not understand anything from it and yet i have
not see any seriousness in you. What the heal are you talking about? Dose it mean
you have not send the moneuy to the security company's account given to you
since?
I don't know what you are talking about, go to bank and make the payment to the
security company's account immediately and get back to me.
Regards,
Jonathan.
[As nobody wanted to come and meet me I am now starting to doubt that there is a Mr.Brown in London, and I don't think I'll be able to get any web cam pictures. Damn. Maybe another mugu another day.]
Dear Jonathan,
As nobody came to meet me on Friday I have decided to proceed with operation MOTHERGOOSE. This evening I shall swallow the condoms containing the money. I shall then goto the bank on Monday. No thieves will be able to rob me on my way to the bank unless they slit me open like a PIGGY. When I get to the bank I will and try and lay the golden EGGS (shit the money out) on the counter. Jonathan - Dee said she would love to lay one of her golden brown eggs in your mouth for the film. Would you like that you crazy bastard? yum yum? Jonathan you are going to be a legend. How is Bukky by the way? Do you think there would be any problem bringing him over to Spain? I am wondering whether to hire a goose-suit for Monday. I have seen this one in the shop next door. It will cost �35 for the day. Can I put it on expenses? It will make me feel a lot happier and safer if I wear it, as the hitman Fanny has sent to kill me will not be able to recognize me. Do you like geese Jonathan?
Your purpose is my pleasure,
Dick Pleasure
[I attatched a photo of the goose-suit I wanted to hire out and wear. Click here to see it.]
#36
Dear Dick,
I beginning to wonder if you are for real or not. How could you tell me that you
cannot go to bank alone to make the payment the other day? What kind of talk is
that? But since you can now go to the bank as said here, do that immediately.
Look, you do not try jopardise the entire transaction. I am advising you to go
to bank right away to make that payment to the security company's account as to
enable Mr. Brown invite you to their company for the claiming of the
consignments.
I expect you to do this immediately today as you have agreed on and get back to
me, thereby informing me that you have made the payment.
I hope you will understand my points.
Regards,
Jonathan.
Dear Mr. Dick Pleasure,
We are still waiting to receive the attachment copy of the payment which we asked you to make. Please do not apply delay.
Go to the nearest bank close to you and make the payment immediately, scan and attach the slip. Soon after that, we shall invite you to see and calim your fund.
Best regards,
Thomas Brown.
Dear Jonathan,
I am pleased to say that OPERATION MOTHERGOOSE proceeded smoothly and to plan. This was largely thanks down to the daal phal that Dee and myself had for dinner last night. Strangely enough, the condoms containing the money had a cooling effect as they whizzed out. One old girl thought it was a bank raid - thinking I was a machine gun. It's given me an idea for the film actually. This is where you eat live bullfrogs encapsulated in condoms. You then go into a sauna for 9 hours and the next day you shit cooked frogs - thats simple old boil in the bag technology. Have you ever tasted frog? Tastes like chiken you know. I think this one is really goning to sell, Jonathan. Are you up for it now that we are PARTNERS? That's right Jonathan, say you'll do the frog film and I shall make you a partner in DICK PLEASURE PRODUCTIONS. What do you say to that Jonathan? I will soon mail Thomas the good news about the money I credited to their Taiwanese bank account and send the receipt as an attatchment as he requested. You still haven't told me if you like geese Jonathan. You still haven't told me about Bukky. Is he dead?
You pleasure is my goose,
Dick Pleasure
Dear Thomas,
Today I paid �15,625 into the Taiwanese bank account you specified. At todays exchange rate of $1.6 = �1, that is $25,000 exactly. Please find attatched a scan of the counterfoil from the paying-in slip as requested.
Show me the money.
Your purpose is my pleasure,
Dick Pleasure.
[Click here to see a scan of the payment receipt / counterfoil I sent them. If they can play at sending worthless "official" documents to me, why can't I play the same game?]
#37
Attn: Mr. Richard Dick Pleasure,
Thank you for your message.
I am to inform you that we (Global Securities) will contact you as soon as possible to deliver your fund to you. We shall also help you to pay the fund inside your account with your bank.
I will get back to as soon as posible, I just want to table the payment receipt to the management.
Best regards,
Mr. Thomas Brown.
Attn: Mr. Richard Dick Pleasure,
From: Mr. Thomas Brown,
Dear Sir,
With reference to my last mail to you, your payment evidence has been presented to the management of the Global Securities and Finance Firm and they officials of our company welcom the information.
Therefore, I was made to understand that you still need to forward to us, THE CONFIRMATION SLIP from the bank you made the payment ( HSBC Bank Plc) immediately. Please kindly ask the bank to give you the confirmation slip to prove that the payment has been transferred to the account in taiwan.
As soon as you do that, kindly get back to me immediately and also you should tell me how the payment was made, by cash, cheque or Draft.
The payment should be swift transfer so that it will clear in time. I am waiting to receive the payment Slip via attachment and soon after that, we shall inform you when to meet.
Best regards,
Mr. Thomas Brown.
Global Securities and Finance Firm.
Dear Dick,
Many thanks to your mail and I still inform you to hold on with every other
thing you are talking now concerning the film acting till I come over.
Concerning the payment which you are to make to the security company, have you
made it according to what you said? If yes, do send the payment receipt
immediately to Mr. Brown so that he will cash the money, and then fix
appointment with you on the day of collection of the consignments. Time waits
for no one.
I hope you made the payment of US$25,000.00 to the security company's account as
per their directives to you?
I will stop here until you confirmed to me that they have cleared the money and
the consignments delivered to you in a good state.
Regards as I wish you the Best of Xmas and a Happy New Year in advance.
To hear from you immediately.
Regards,
Jonathan.
Dear Mr. Richard Dick Pleasure,
This is to remind you that the management of Company are still waiting to receive the confirmation slip of the payment you made.
Please forward the payment slip immediately to enable us proceed and invite you to our office for the release of your fund.
We are waiting,
Thomas Brown.
Dear Thomas and Jonathan,
Just to let you know that I am currently in Spain and that everything is OK. I shall be returning to the UK sometime next week where we shall pick up from where we left off. Jonathan, you would love Spain - they are fixated with shitting. I shit on this - you shit on that. Jonathan, come to Spain and everybody will shit on you. Shit for Breakfast, lunch and dinner - I know what a dung beetle you are, you crazy bastard! I trust you guys had a great christmas and I will mail you when I am back in London. Jonathan - I have been speaking to some business accociates and they have promised me the francise to make the new film in the "Shit Eaters" series. Are you interested? I need to know pretty soon. I hope you have been applying the mustard to you scrotum as I have booked you in for the testicular implant operation for the 20th January. I need you to get a new HIV test and arrange your flight to London for this. I have showed you that I am serious about this deal and now you must show me you are very serious about the film. I shall be extremely angry if I find out that you have been stringing me along as regards to the film just so this deal can be concluded to your wishes. The film is soon to be our top priority. Thomas - do you have any acting experience? Here's to a prosperous 2003!!!
Your pleasure is my purpose,
Dick Pleasure
Dick Pleasure part 5