INSPIRED BY HILLARY THOMAS & BIG POPPA E’s “HAIKU DEATH MATCH” (Dunn…Dunn...Dunn…Dunn)

“HAIKU HAREM” AN ORIGINAL IDEA INSPIRED BY MAD’s LUV4POETRY (Bang…Bang…Bang)

MAD

(Seventeen Syllable Sultan)

All haikus in this column created by

Dennis “MAD” Francis © 2003

[unless otherwise noted]

HAIKU HAREM

(Seventeen Syllable Sweethearts)

[CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS PAGE]

OCT 2003-DEC 2003 HAIKUS

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Wed, 12/31/03 (New Year’s Eve)

My resolutions

For the New Year are to fix

Last year’s ones I broke

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tue, 12/30/03

“Haikus for Canada”

Just a single touch

Turned her from Canada Dry

To Canada Wet

New York like South Park

said, “Blame it on Canada”

for cause of blackout

the Royal Mounties

are looking to apprehend

writers of South Park

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 12/29/03

i don’t know which makes

me more uncomfortable:

my past or future?

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 12/28/03

Over and over

I try again and again

Just like Sisyphus*

* A character from Greek Mythology, who angered the gods and was condemned to forever roll a rock to the top of a mountain—only to have it fall back down and force him to start over again and again and again and again and again and again and…

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 12/27/03

dif•fer•ent

HanaLyn, you’re right

\■di-fr nt\ is two syllables

I told you three…oops

[Sultan Sidebar: My little bootleg dictionary does list “different” with 2 syllable breakdown. But, Hakuist Extraordinaire Delrica Andrews informed me that her more updated dictionary lists “different” with 2 and 3 syllable breakdowns. However, she points out that since “differ” is 2 syllables and “differ-ent” is an extension of it the usage of the 3 syllable “different” seems more appropriate.]

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Fri, 12/26/03 (Kwanza)

some say black Christmas,

but isn’t Kwanza more like…

the black Hanukah?

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thu, 12/25/03 (Christmas)

if A White Christmas

went and called Kwanzaa nigger,

whose side would you take?

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 12/24/03

twas the night before

christmas and all through the house

the reindeer sh!tted

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tue, 12/23/03

i march to the beat

of a different guitar

i’m my own Hendrix

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 12/22/03

I can’t concentrate

This beautiful distraction

Makes it HARD…to think

temptress of the eyes

i cannot control my stare

i apologize

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 12/21/03

my name is Kiva

and I have a computer

her name is Charlie

Kiva Tudy, 7 yrs old, 1st Haiku © 2003

•

Haiku is more than

Just a form of poetry

It’s a way of life

MAD (Dennis Francis), ? yrs old, Haiku #? © 2003

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 12/20/03

only an @sshole

pops sh!t to someone with the

power to screw them

when stopped by a cop

only @ssholes say sh!t like

“no more donuts, huh?”

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 12/19/03

i can handle her

NASCAR sex drive (but only

with frequent pit stops)

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thu, 12/18/03

she told me: i’ll huff

and i’ll puff, and i’ll blow you

like a big bad wolf

my 3 Little Pigs

personal preference is

to have a BRICKHOUSE

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 12/17/03

go ahead and frown

your lips will still smile for me

when you cross your legs

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tues, 12/16/03

Fear of rejection

Is why I can’t afford to

pay her attention

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 12/15/03

Why did you treat me

Like wet laundry? How could you

Hang me out to dry?

With friends like you, who

Needs enemies that hate your

Guts and want you dead?

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 12/14/03

Kids need to learn math

So they can count calories

When they get older

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 12/13/03

People who drive fast

Are usually in a rush

To get nowhere quick

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 12/12/03

“the good with the bad”

short skirt, short temper

long nails, long hair, long winded

mid-riff bared…stretch marks

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thurs, 12/11/03

Donnie McClurken:

“We Fall Down, But We Get Up”

…but what if I’m stuck?

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 12/10/03

metamorphosis

happens on the dance floor when

“doo doo brown” comes on

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Tues, 12/09/03

miss contradiction

she’s a heavenly creature

with sinful features

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Mon, 12/08/03

her prince was a toad,

a knight in rusty armor,

a fairy tall tale

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 12/07/03

“what is spo’etry?”

two parts spoken word

mixed with one part poetry

equals spo’etry

one part spoken word

mixed with two parts poetry

equals spo’etry

the perfect marriage:

spoken word and poetry

you may kiss the bride

since your ears can’t read

they need to hear spoken word

to see poetry

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 12/06/03

she’s my Hershey’s Kiss,

Swiss Miss, chocolate* chip, fudge dipped, Twix, Kit Kat sweetheart

[*using chock-lit pronunciation]

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 12/05/03

i’d call you a son

of a b!tch, but since i know

your mother, i won’t

i respect women

but my babymama is

such a female dog!

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thurs, 12/04/03

i like dogs more, but

they don’t find the litter box

as well as cats do

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 12/03/03

your school fundraiser

ended seven months ago

where’s my damn candy?!

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tues, 12/02/03

i’d much rather hear

hot poems read off of paper

than memorized trash

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 12/01/03

Bush has yet to find

haikus of mass destruction

in Saddam’s journal

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 11/30/03

some think wants are needs

many want what they don’t need

all need to want less

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 11/29/03

a blank page scares me

the writer’s block boogie man

is not far behind

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 11/28/03

the opposite sex

can have sex with the same sex

i just want to watch

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thurs, 11/27/03 (Thanksgiving)

this jive @ss turkey

is gonna make me knock the

stuffing outta him

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 11/26/03

my children’s mother

makes babymama drama

a greek tragedy

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tues, 11/25/03

forget sweet nothings

i will whisper sweet somethings

softly in your ear

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 11/24/03

after weighing both

for me…small inconvenience

for her…life saver

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 11/23/03

If Jack Nicholson were to say two-thirds of a haiku, it would sound like this:

U WANNA HAIKU?!

U CAN’T HANDLE THE HAIKU!!

•

If Tom Cruise were to say four-seventeenths of a haiku, it would sound like this:

You…complete me

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 11/22/03

Fudge cheesecake brownie

You make me a Phat Bastard

“Get in my belly!”

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 11/21/03

Got the same jeans on

But at least I changed my draws

Give me SOME credit

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thurs, 11/20/03

People always say

“Keep Doing What You Doing”

I always listen

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 11/19/03

they call her “Red Light”

because cars in the street stop

after seeing her

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tues, 11/18/03

Never Ignorant

(stop abusing acronyms!)

Getting Goals Accomplished

10 minutes remain

library computer time

sure does seem to fly

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon 11/17/03

i feel like feces

i feel like defecation

i feel like pure sh*t

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 11/16/03

Lord watch over me

When I’m unable to see

Be my Blind Man’s cane

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 11/15/03

i taste my last meal

as i burp ingredients

that like to loiter

i feel so hungry

i could eat a horse, saddle

and the disc jockey

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 11/14/03

talk dirty to me

so dirty that Tide with Bleach

can’t wash out your mouth

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thurs, 11/13/03

buzz, 2, 3, 4, 5

6, 7, 8, 9, buzz, buzz

buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz…

a s d f n

y t r k (my fingers

dozed off on keyboard)

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 11/12/03

true or false statement:

jessica and willie lynch

are distant cousins

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tues, 11/11/03

i think I messed up

well, not quite…I know I did

i’m just in denial

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 11/10/03

it seems quite backwards

for us to drive on parkways

and park on driveways

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 11/09/03

i’m trying to find

a church where collection plate

is only passed once

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 11/08/03

These five haikus were inspired by these 5 Poetesses that I got to see all in one day  @ Bowery Poetry Café (SOAPP Summit &  NY Poets Slam)

My heart feels ashy

I need to rub SHEABUDDAH

All over myself

Where would man be at

Without the gift of PHYA?

Cold and in the dark

I found green pastures

By leaving Mo’ Better Blues

For MO Better BROWNEs

I can’t believe it

I lost to CELENA GLENN

I feel so honored

How do I FRANCINE

BRIDGE the gap between her poems

And my lust…for words?

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 11/07/03

I told her STRAIGHT-UP:

“I ain’t sleeping on no couch!”

I prefer the floor

my wife knows who’s boss

and she better not forget

…i'm her employee

my wife knows who’s boss

and she better not forget

...to pay me tonight

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thu, 11/06/03

make love to the drum

beat it fast, slow, hard, easy

up, down and around

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 11/05/03

you was talking slick

just so you could make me smile

well, guess what? it worked

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tue, 11/04/03

words have great power

just a simple “yea” or “nay”

can change our laws

words are powerful

sticks and stones may break your bones

if you talk too much

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 11/03/03

I need some paper

I need something to write with

I need a-muse-ment

I have some paper

I have something to write with

I have writer’s block

My pen says “thank you”

For being the a-muse-ment

That helps him to laugh

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 11/02/03

She cried “NO MORE HITS”

Because he had already

dealt her 21

When SHE calls, I ask:

“Alexander Graham Bell, why

did you invent phones?”

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 11/01/03

Black women’s butts come

from being in cotton fields

bent over all day

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 10/31/03 (Halloween)

it leaves a bad taste

in my mouth like sour grapes

when you lie to me

Sitting on her stoop

At 2:38 AM

WHERE THE F**K IS SHE!?

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thurs, 10/30/03

Who is more honest:

Jason Voorhees, Jason Blair

or Jayson Williams?

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 10/29/03

to quote Teddy P:

“Turn off the lights…TURN ‘EM OFF”

…or pay my light bill

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tues, 10/28/03

dogs are man’s best friend

except for in this one place:

a civil rights march

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 10/27/03

today, there are more

MISSING fathers than there are

kids on milk cartons

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 10/26/03

cigarette smoking

is strictly prohibited

catch cancer outside

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 10/25/03

today’s random thought:

if only i could make love

the same way i write

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 10/24/03

would you still love me

if my heart were 12 inches

but my penis small?

some men act as if

treating their women like queens

makes their penis shrink

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thurs, 10/23/03

Hungry Ass People!!!

Didn’t even save some food

For me to get thirds

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 10/22/03

“connect the words 2”

Good lord have mercy

On my soul food for thought wrong

As the day is long

•

“connect the words 1”

WAR! What is it good

Four scores, seven years a-Go

Girl! friend-Lee Majors

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tues, 10/21/03

i just don’t get it

i put on deodorant

but it’s not working

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 10/20/03

Gas hike got you MAD?

After I eat this chili

I’ll fill your tank up

Dear Upset Stomach:

I really hope you cheer up

Your friend, Antacid

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 10/19/03

“reality tv haikus”

black boys, black boys, what

’cha gonna do, when COPS come

for you? “reach reeeeeeeeeeeeeeal slow”*

[*Quote comes from Iyaba Ibo Mandingo]

most of our Rubins

are like “Hurricane Carter”

not Ruben Studdard

“The Amazing Race”

that built Egypt’s pyramids

had NO Liz Taylors

drive fast in left lane

and racially profile blacks

are common “Road Rules”

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 10/18/03

i got drunk last night

from too much Baskin-Robbins

rum raisin ice cream

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 10/17/03

on a crowded train

a homeless person walks past

is that my future?

only in new york

do the homeless people have

change for a twenty

i avoid sidewalks

it’s impolite to put your feet

on somebody’s bed

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thurs, 10/16/03

rose from concrete can’t

BLOOM—BERG of Titanic ice

freezes its petals

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 10/15/03

i’m the Lion King

of Haiku-namatata

hear my mighty roarrrrrrrrrrr!

FREE RECTAL EXAMS

are done by New York Police

just ask Louima

what’s 41 shots?

it’s how NYPD BLUE

keeps LAW&ORDER

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tues, 10/14/03

as the rain falls down

it makes pitter-patter sounds

that rock me to sleep

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 10/13/03

music soothes soul like

massage with “happy ending”

and a Calgon bath

jazz is soothing like

Mister Miaggi back rubs

and warm bubble baths

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 10/12/03

i’m missing the mic

hurts like going cold turkey

and it’s not Boar’s Head

al gore wore short sleeves

and got bit by poli-ticks

like Holyfield’s ear

technically, it’s

nothing to them, but to me…

it is life changing

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 10/11/03

listen here woman

don’t use that dial tone of voice

with me—(click)—hello?!

don’t antagonize

a man who is on the verge

of going postal

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 10/10/03

when short on money

take flowers from neighbor’s lawn

the poor man’s florist

did the world’s greatest

make girls believe they can fly

thru golden showers?

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thurs, 10/09/03

my size fifteen shoe

makes me a staunch supporter

of the old wives tales

men must look at breasts

the way motorists must look

at car accidents

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 10/08/03

i’m too into black

to marry a white woman

but i’ll sleep with one

eight limes for a buck

at Asian grocery store

cheaper than Pathmark

real men will accept

responsibility for

farting in public

do women fart too?

i know the answer is “yes”

but “no” smells better

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tues, 10/07/03

downy and snuggle

bounce through the laundry and land

on her underwear

what?! how in the hell

did my cellular phone bill

get so high this month?!

i want to call you

but i can’t talk to you now

…not free minutes yet

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 10/06/03

uncontrollable!

the urge to look at her butt

when she walks by me

having a sore throat

is a real pain in the @ss

swallowing sh*t hurts

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 10/05/03

“oh sh*t!” hit the brakes

car in front of me stopped short

flash middle finger

mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm

that was an exquisite meal

almost good as sex

i damn you haiku!

restricting my syllables

the hell with haiku!

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 10/04/03

her hip huggers hug

her hips like lovers embrace

after months spent apart

her smile lights the dark

like a hundred watt light bulb

her lips are the switch

there are 51 states

porno is a state of mind

cum visit some time

•

[Disclaimer: The following haikus were written from the perspective of my friend Bus, after listening to him fantasize about going to the Cannabis Cup in Amsterdam.]

two blunts to the head

is like a Mike Tyson punch:

knocks you the f**k out!

weed kills your brain cells?

i’m so nice at Jeopardy

when i’m high on weed

“would you please pass the…”

“…dutchie pun de left hand side?”

keep the Grey Poupon

•

“haikus inspired by my friend Bus”

one minute I’m fine

next minute I’m all fucked up

a seizure snuffed me

“Get On The BUS” and

take unlimited free rides

by swiping my card

Haterade® is the

envy drink to replace lost

jealously fluids

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 10/03/03

i can’t roller skate,

skateboard, use a surfboard or

scuba dive worth sh*t

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Thurs, 10/02/03

i’m in a quartet

it’s me, Benedict Arnold,

Brutus and Judas

caught in the middle

two friends tearing me apart

my heart’s torn in two

Below are haikus that were written to/for Cicely a/k/a Spo’etry when she fell behind on submitting her daily haikus.  My “Daily Haiku Log” was originally supposed to be a partnership with Spo’etry (much in the same fashion as Big Poppa E. and Hillary Thomas), but the rigors of mandatory daily writing became too much for her—especially since she had many duties to perform as a poetry promoter, leaving her little time to write.

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“Be warned Cicely

It’s a DAILY haiku log

NOT a monthly one”

“Road Signs ahead read:

Approaching Cicely BUMP

Slow writing lane ends”

“Your lack of haikus

makes my daily haiku log

a TLC Scrub”

•

[Note: The haiku above was written in Invisible Ink.  To view / it, use the secret decoder pen found in specially marked boxes / of sugar-laden cereal (part of daily im-balanced diet).]

•

Experiencing

Technical Difficulties

Please Check Back Later

•

^11/30/03

HAIKUS OUT OF STOCK

CONTACT SHIPPING DEPARTMENT

ASK FOR CICELY

•

Haiku Forwarding

See November 30^th

For further details

•

Dear Cicely V.,

We regret to inform you

That…(fill in the blanks)

[HAIKU PERSONNEL DEPT.]

•

Dear Cicely V.,

We’ve received your doctor’s note

You’re reinstated

[HAIKU PERSONNEL DEPT.]

Dennis “MAD” Francis © 2003

Below are haikus that were written to/for me by Cicely a/k/a Spo’etry, in response to the “haiku reprimands” (in left column) that I directed towards her.

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“Mad, please don’t bump me

Haikus are hard to come by

You know I’m not you”

“Yes, I see the signs

Don’t be a side seat driver

Be a passenger”

Spo’etry (Cicely V. Hall) © 2003