INSPIRED BY HILLARY THOMAS & BIG POPPA E’s “HAIKU DEATH MATCH” (Dunn…Dunn...Dunn…Dunn)

“HAIKU HAREM” AN ORIGINAL IDEA INSPIRED BY MAD’s LUV4POETRY (Bang…Bang…Bang)

MAD

(Seventeen Syllable Sultan)

All haikus in this column created by

Dennis “MAD” Francis © 2003-2004

[unless otherwise noted]

HAIKU HAREM

(Seventeen Syllable Sweethearts)

All haikus in this column are the property of the authors to whom they are credited - Various Authors © 2003-2004

[unless otherwise noted]

January 2005

When your destiny

is in your own hands…never

eat Butterfingers

December 2004

HOLIDAY HAIKUS

Why don’t north pole elves

have a union? Is Santa

running a sweat shop?

Christmas has become

more commercial than halftime

of the Super Bowl

if the rain forest

isn’t saved…there will be no

partridge in pear tree

reindeer Rudolph had

a very shiny nose from

brown nosing Saint Nick

Kwanzaa carolers

wish you “Happy Xmas” and

“Merry Hanukah”

if a Xmas tree

falls in home too poor for gifts

does anyone hear?

Practicality

is key to great gift giving

cash is quite useful

the Grinch and George Bush

are both kleptomaniacs

who stole from public

Mrs. Claus likes to

flash her triple D’s—Dasher,

Dancer and Donner

I’m waiting to see

“A Miracle on” a street

besides 34^th

Feliz Navidad

sounds like a cool ass name for

a Spanish singer

if a white Xmas

called Kwanzaa “nigger”—it would

cause a Boxing Day

Christmas "cheer," for me

is an all temperature

laundry detergent

•

I hate the n-word

it’s hard for me to accept

hearing the word “No”

my new invention

for people hooked on n-word:

the Niggarette patch

•

Haikus that are in their 40’s

the 40’s are a

black number group…the haikus

that follow show why:

a gun shaped wallet

will get you shot 40 times

…plus 1 for good luck

there’s 40 acres

and a mule; 40 ounces

of Colt 45;

42^nd Street

used to be 40-Duece…then

Disney came along;

there’s the 45’s

that your parents listened to

way back in the days;

during the riots

Ali Baba’s 40 thieves

looted like crazy;

it rained on Noah

for 40 days and 40

free nights & weekends;

before those cops shot

Diallo, did they listen

to Sum 41? 

•

Poetry stopped me

from killing her…he got Poem

to do it for me

November 2004 Haikus

[The haiku below is based on photo that was on a fellow poet’s (Chris Slaughter) t-shirt; it shows a muzzled slave woman staring at a noose, right before being hanged.]

If pictures are worth

A thousand words…why does this

One leave me speechless?

•

When in Rome, you do

As Romans do…but what do

You do in Iraq?

•

Double Checking Haikus By Hand

in₁ pub₂lic₃, peo₄ple₅

won₁der₂ why₃ i₄ keep₅ flick₆ing₇

my₁ fin₂gers₃ like₄ this₅

October 2004 Haikus

how come Baby Phat

never has ads with models

who have baby fat?

•

Subway Hike-ku

MTA hearings

should end with Ashton Kutcher

saying, “You’ve been punk’d!”

maybe if Oprah

ran the MTA, we’d get

brand new (subway) cars

soon you’ll see Jared

saying the Subway sandwich

cost less than the fare

“21 Questions”

are still unanswered from last

“50 Cent” increase

raising the (un)fare

will result in paying more

for a (no) fun pass

what sense does it make

to have a hearing, when we

know they won’t listen?

-----------------

one fare: two dollars

the fare increase: fifty cents

hop turnstile: priceless

[disclaimer haiku

author does not advocate

hopping the turnstile]

-----------------

the MTA is

like Mommie Dearest…they say

NO to wire strap hangers

Harriet Tubman

wouldn’t ride the MTA’s

underground railroad

the MTA has

commuters by the Spaldings

…and they know it too

September 2004 Haikus

not even Red Bull

can give you the energy

that it takes to hate

I’m a romantic

that’s “hopeless, as a penny

with a hole in it”

fellatio has

become synonymous with

the name “Lewinsky”

if “Lewinsky” has

come to mean blowjob, what will

“McGreevey”

if people who are

anti-abortion eat eggs,

are they hypocrites?

Where in the world is…

Lumidee? “Uh-Oh”…sounds like

a one hit wonder

don’t’ say “Just Do It”

…if man threatens to jump off

roof of NIKE store

throw away coupons?

to me, that’s like throwing cash

into the garbage

August 2004 Haikus

Bible Haikus – part 2

if turning to salt

didn’t kill Lot’s wife…I’m sure

high blood pressure did

the burning BUSH spoke….

he told doctor an intern

gave him syphilis

July 2004 Haikus

Bible Haikus – part 1 

was adam able

to undo eve’s fig leaf bra

using just one hand?

why EAT the apple?

they could’ve used a loophole

and DRANK apple juice

poets will betray

Christ for a perfect 30!

…pieces of silver

in hip-hop’s bible

Joseph’s robe changes into

…a leather bomber

♂

A Message From Tyler Durden

“the first rule about

Haiku Club, is you don’t talk

about Haiku Club.”

♂

reparations? yes…

but keep the 40 acres

i just want that ass

i am a true breastman

that’s my favorite body

part….of the chicken

it worked for Jared

will the veggie delite sub

way work for Dennis?

the historical

event that best describes me?

the great depression

“how many months are…

(oops, she’s not pregnant—i play it off) …in a year?”

being disabled

still won’t help you get parking

spots in Manhattan

when your mouth opens

it sounds like nine inch nails dragged across a blackboard

this poet could use

a benefactor—one of

mark cuban descent

*****************

June 2004 Haikus

the price of gas is

an arm and a leg…and a

liver and kidney

i’ve always wondered:

just what the hell goes into

a pu pu platter?

maybe it’s just me

but moo goo gai pan doesn’t

sound appetizing

she says “no” sometimes

just so he appreciates

when she does say yes

there is a thin line

between doing poetry

 and panhandling

there is a thin line

between love & hate the sight

of your f—king face

some folks act funny

once they get money; they get

real Chris Rock on you

i use holidays

as a day off to work on

celebrating me

when God punished Eve

her husband said, “I don’t

know you from Adam”

in the case of God

versus Adam & Eve…he

turned state’s evidence
*****************

Mon, 05/31/04 – Memorial Day

instead of a day

of barbecues, i had day

of introspection

Sun, 05/30/04

many churches have

low turnout when NFL

has sunday football

Sat, 05/29/04

saturday morning

cartoons for today’s kids suck

where’s the transformers?

saturday morning

cartoons for today’s kids suck

they don’t have the smurfs

Fri, 05/28/04

your whole demeanor

changes when realizing you’re

about to throw up

Thu, 05/27/04

if you had to choose,

would you prefer to get a

bitch slap or pimp smack?

Wed, 05/26/04 *Special Entry*

[The following is my poem called “17,” which consists of 17 haikus – posted on 4luvofpoetry.com]

…a dozen roses

or 17 syllables?

haikus never wilt

chamberlain with me

let’s sleep together over

twenty-thousand times

square meals of your love

round three a day won’t do…i

need extra helpings

of you, i’ll say this

there’s nothing i could say which

would do you justice

is blind as to love

as unconditional is?

if so, I’m stevie

wonder in your eyes

seen even through the blindfold

i have you wearing

nothing but space and

opportunity, so let’s

get low down dirty

shame be gone! show me

your every roll of fat, and

i’ll butter you up

and down the aisle comes

you…make me wanna go straight

to the honeymoon

exploration of

you is my tongue’s middle name

that’s what it’s made for

using my lever

i’ll pry open all your two

thousand body parts

sampled you last night

i was kayne west, and you

were my chaka khan

sweet thing, i will go

thru the fire to keep your

love for me burning

bush bashing is wrong

you don’t have to shave again

as far as i care

bear doesn’t go with

a teddy as well as you

ask victoria

secret love tryst planned

…with my wife—we always cheat

with one another

we say, “i love you”

so much, some people must think

“if I had a dime…”

Tue, 05/25/04

the best commercial

during the Super Bowl was

Janet’s right nipple

the Super Bowl’s best

halftime performer ever:

Janet’s right nipple

Mon, 05/24/04

some Grammy winners

need to thank Pro Tools in their

acceptance speeches

now ain’t that a bitch?

just brought this player’s jersey

…and he gets traded

Sun, 05/23/04

so we meet again

[so we meet again]            

last week you killed my haiku

[last week you killed my haiku]

I come for revenge

[I come for revenge]

[ ] – mouth moving, but no sound

Sat, 05/22/04

sit yo five dollar

ass down before I make change

- Wesley Snipes screen test

Fri, 05/21/04

I think my uncle’s

smoking crack again…sorry,

no punch line this time

Thurs, 05/20/04

a football team’s last

line of defense: safety…Pat

Tillman’s position

Wed, 05/19/04

my father’s first name

is Winston, as in Winston

Churchill the great Brit

my mother’s first name

is Phyllis, as in Phyllis

Wheatley the poet

Tue, 05/18/04

time to say today’s

daily reaffirmation:

write, write, write, write, write

Mon, 05/17/04

I love women who

can’t follow football, but have

sex during halftime

a fashion faux pas

is wearing a NIKE suit

with ADIDAS kicks

Sun, 05/16/04

“Gotta Go To Mo’s”

to get size 8 roller skates

for Delrica’s trip

call me old fashioned

but a glimpse of a bra strap

still gets me turned on

Greyhound Travel Tip:

even if it’s hot outside

bring coat for A.C.

yeah, you damn Skippy

Peter Pan peanut butter

is better than Jif

Sat, 05/15/04

it is almost time

for me to wake my butt up

…and hit snooze button

Fri, 05/14/04

some stereotype

the Dutch as people who won’t

pay for the whole check

Thurs, 05/13/04

Bush said heads would roll

in Iraq, but did he mean

Hussien or Nick Berg?

Wed, 05/12/04

please let Paul Reiser

and Helen Hunt know that I’m

MAD About Haiku

once, my mom beat me

so bad…afterwards I said:

“My name be Toby”

Tues, 05/11/04

freezer chills ice cream

microwave heats apple pie

both joined warms my heart

procrastination

is when your motivation

is constipated

Mon, 05/10/04

Sometimes I wonder:

Where in the world is Carmen

San Diego at?

the word “lethargic”

best describes my level of

enthusiasm

Sun, 05/09/04 (Mother’s Day)

you can look at “mom”

forwards or backwards, and she

still remains the same

call it Mom’s instinct

somehow she always knows when

I need bread pudding

Garland’s red slippers

aren’t needed to “go home”

to Mama Judy’s

Sat, 05/08/04

the audacity!

closed register and didn’t

give me my penny

Fri, 05/07/04

cows are going mad

because they’re winding up as

boxes for Gateways

Thurs, 05/06/04

the conductor says

this is an express 2 train

hate to ride local

pretend you play for

the Green Bay Packers—Lambeau

Leap into my arms

Wed, 05/05/04

kids in Harlem know

the Harlem Shake, but not the

Harlem Renaissance

to me, CPR

means Coochie Pulmonary

Resuscitation

Tues, 05/04/04

pandas in the zoo

aren’t breeding, so maybe

they should talk to teens

Mon, 05/03/04

if ladies let guys

“just stick the head in,” a head

comes out in nine months

Sun, 05/02/04

empty stomachs and

empty pockets mix worse than

Bobby and Whitney

Sat, 05/01/04

if female juices

make a man’s facial hair grow

i want Santa’s beard

Fri, 04/30/04

i’ve been unfaithful

to my right hand by cheating

on him with my left

Thurs, 04/29/04

man on the moon and

the 99 cents menu

both great achievements

Wed, 04/28/04

i’m gonna put my

athlete’s foot so far up your—

ass will itch for days

Tues, 04/27/04

there she was standing

at the bus stop, sucking on

a red lollipop

Mon, 04/26/04

she sat on my lap

and my happiness increased

in more ways than one

Sun, 04/25/04

Oreo’s are the

only interracial pair

that don’t get weird looks

we love Oreo’s

but find it hard to digest

black and white couples

Sat, 04/24/04

ramen noodle soup

seems more exotic tasting

when you add ketchup

Fri, 04/23/04

i like slam judges

more than judges in black robes

who give sentences

Thurs, 04/22/04

her body feels like

the softest material

found on planet Earth

Wed, 04/21/04

she’s like McDonald’s

apple pies…the old school ones

they used to deep fry

Tues, 04/20/04

others might call her

a bartender, but i say:

bartenderoni

Mon, 04/19/04

having the flu sucks

more than a white house intern

wearing a blue dress

Sun, 04/18/04

flying coach versus

flying first class is like Shaq

versus Mugsy Bogues

Sat, 04/17/04

mental note to self:

remember to bring some shorts

next time in Texas

The salsa you get

in Mexican restaurant

isn’t Tostitos®

Fri, 04/16/04

i wish i could live

in a really nice hotel

the rest of my life

Thurs, 04/15/04

women should never

use forward wiping motion

when wiping their butts

Wed, 04/14/04

dozing off on train

in city that never sleeps

is not good idea

Tue, 04/13/04

no ifs, ands, or butts?

i can see no “ifs” and “ands”

but black men need “butts”

wearing a seatbelt

can’t stop alcoholics from

falling off wagon

Mon, 04/12/04

like Diana Ross

i’m coming out…the closet:

i’m a lesbian

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 04/11/04 (Easter)

Kids race down church steps

one in front yells, “Last one’s a

rotten Easter egg!”

5…4…3…2…1

Wooo! Made it to toilet seat

in the nick of time

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 04/10/04

I look at Playboy

just to read the articles

in the centerfold

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 04/09/04

Many Attitudes

of Dennis is the meaning

behind the name MAD

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thurs, 04/08/04

doctor’s appointments

for my kids is the best time

to catch up on sleep

•

“politically incorrect

famous advertising slogan haiku”

Virginia Slims says,

“We’ve come a long way, baby”

…from picking cotton

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 04/07/04

if a woman says

you are hung like a seahorse

that’s no compliment

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tue, 04/06/04

she might give him some

as long as he doesn’t say

anything stupid

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 04/05/04

the movie “8 Mile”

seems to be a remake of

Prince’s “Purple Rain”

•

“4 luv of odes to ice cream”

seems ben & jerry’s

relationship is going

through a rocky road

i came to a spoon

in the rocky road and ate

the one less traveled

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 04/04/04

no apology

or excuse can justify

hurting a true friend

a bum who’s in a

bad mood, woke up on the wrong side of the sidewalk

I am The Sultan

who rules the Haiku Harem

with an iron pen

roach infested homes

are one place you shouldn’t be

eating raisin bran

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 04/03/04

slamming against youths

isn’t fair…to the adults

who don’t get “Awwh…” scores

but some youth slam like

adults—and that’s more scary

than dropping jail soap

•

a penny saved is

penny earned; penny loaned is

penny gone for good

never lend money

if you really have to count

on getting paid back

•

i’ll be the whipped cream

you be the cherry on top

the topping that’s me

as a last resort

put your kids in the freezer

if they won’t chill out

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 04/02/04

I wish I could be

Serena Williams…then I’d

know what she feels like

Don’t ask me, “Got Milk?”

I’m lactose intolerant

and one-eighth Hindu

Even when I don’t

feel like commuting, I still

go downtown for you

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thurs, 04/01/04

i’m well enough to

seem not sick, but sick enough

to know i’m not well

•

“about schmidt haiku”

“don’t dilly dally”

she said before he got back

late to find her dead

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 03/31/04

wardrobe malfunctions

lead to a Grammy for men,

but women get banned

LaToya posed nude

and still got less attention

than Janet’s nipple

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tues, 03/30/04

Criminals follow

The 11th Commandment:

Thou shall not get caught

Drive-thru orders get

mixed up like messages in

game of Telephone

•

“haiku for joe pesci”

My Cousin Vinny

always tells me that, “They f—k

you in the drive-thru!”

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 03/29/04

“haiku memorandum”

To: Destiny’s Child

From: Beyonce Knowles—“It’s just

me, myself and I”

•

Drinking a Pepsi

is how I put my mouth…all

over Beyonce

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 03/28/04

Some betray their friends

worse than Benedict Arnold,

Brutus and Judas

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 03/27/04

Lust is hard to fight

He will resort to low blows

And bite off your ear

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 03/26/04

If your kids waste food

tell them kids in Africa

with AIDS are starving

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thurs, 03/25/04

if i find police

corruption inside her pants

i’ll bribe my way in

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 03/24/04

while this may sound wrong,

sometimes doing the right thing

isn’t the right thing

people on welfare

are tax payers too—they pay

sales tax just like you

i wear shrunk boxers

so when i sit, my “thing” sticks

out and seems too big

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tues, 03/23/04

i’m going to pull

an Emily Dickinson

and just write non-stop

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 03/22/04

single parent kids

thought The Cosby Show was from

A Different World

Aunt Jemima and

Mrs Butterworth made love

in a Log Cabin

for a black woman

a BMW is

a Black Man Working

i talk in haiku

even when i don’t want to

it’s happening now

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 03/21/04

the subway should have

anti-bacterial soap

sprayed all over it

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 03/20/04

i’m finding NEMO:

Never Enough Money Owned

to pay what I owe

defeat’s hard to take

a win-win situation

makes it easier

i think deadbeat dads

should be beatdead, or forced to wear chastity belts

Jesus raised the dead

how can I bring back my poem

after slam kills it?

$he had top ten t!t$,

and an A+ a$$ thank$ to

her pla$tic $urgeon

the pair of tig bits

in the front row seat, cost me

the state spelling bee

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 03/19/04

“anger management”

“remember, temper’s

the one thing you can’t get rid

of by losing it.”

dr. buddy rydell

•

how about roleplay?

i'll be seat in front of bus

you be Rosa Parks

my sweet tooth’s tastebuds

think that your Sundae dinner

tastes more like dessert

Entenmann’s cookies

at 3:48 am

delayed midnight snack

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thu, 03/18/04

take one of my poems

place it between your legs, and

make me eat my words

i think Haggan Daaz

is a German expression

that means “straight to thighs”

her body was grown

her mind even younger

her soul a fetus

she got so much @ss

that a booty call to her

must be long distance

kept writing haikus

while waiting to see the judge

about child support

H.M.O.’s don’t think

that patients is a virtue

so they rush their care

•

“cross my t’s”

tight tops that turn t!ts

to torpedoes, tempt thee to

thoughtlessly touch them

•

walking through Target

wearing NO red and tan, yet

she asked, “you work here?”

•

“the f word”

form fitting fashion

for females fuels fire for

frustrated fellows

•

those tender kisses

blown away like big church hats

on a windy day

if Simon Cowell

could taste how you taste to me

he’d be more pleasant

4 Little Girls sing:

“ain’t no nigga, like the one…”

oh, how times have changed!

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 03/17/04

don’t bash jobless men

i'm “legally” unemployed

i work off the books

my job status is:

“officially unemployed”

i work off the books

it's Saint Patrick’s Day

but can’t find a leprechaun

to jack for his gold

what would Dubois say

if asked, is there still hope for

The Souls of Black Folk?

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tue, 03/16/04

the red, black and green

has been painted over by

the red, white and blue

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 03/15/04

i go in one ear

and get thrown out the other

by your brain’s bouncer

what more can i say

that you haven’t heard me say

for the umpteenth time?

the seafood diet

has one main rule: when your eyes see food, you eat it

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 03/14/04

“passion of the Christ”

when will people learn

that boycotting a movie

makes it a must see

                 •

if Jesus was black…

the wine at the last supper

was really kool-aid

                 •

“inch worm”

Carmen Electra

told friends that Dennis Rodman

has a 12 inch Worm

                 •

had an argument

about arguing too much

and still disagreed

my son sits on lap

while i type on my laptop

haiku(s) for today

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 03/13/04

my friend is sleeping

with the woman i wanted

to wake up next to

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 03/12/04

some women augment

their boobs, but never augment

their intelligence

my pre-bingo meal:

lucky charms, pot luck, cash-ews

and fortune cookies

neither will power

or won’t power can control

my midnight cravings

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thu, 03/11/04

Thick as molasses

Making my eyes stick to her

Like bees to honey

how much Jack Daniel’s

barbecue sauce does it take

to get someone drunk?

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 03/10/04

Lesson learned tonight:

A great performance won’t mean

Great cd sales too

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tue, 03/09/04

high heels, low cut blouse

top 3 buttons loose, tight jeans

Hell’s Angels tattoo

If crying equates

To ability to sing

Then my kids can sang

When they start crying

My kids hit notes higher than

Pavarotti’s voice

•

“color purple quotes”

“…ain’t many womens

allow they husband’s hoe to

lay up in they house”

“you sure is ugly...”

“you sound like he going to

the toilet on you…”

“you told Harpo to

beat me…I loves Harpo, God…

…but I kill ‘em dead…”

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 03/08/04

why do some children

have birthday parties that start

after their bedtime?

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 03/07/04

silence is golden

but rapping about niggers

and hoes is platinum

they say you shouldn’t

burst a pimple…but what if

it is on your ass?

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 03/06/04

Women often say:

“I can do bad by myself”

yet, they love bad boys

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 03/05/04

single mother homes

need Darth Vaders—men who say:

“i am your father”

the black family

needs Darth Vaders—men who say:

“i am your father”

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thu, 03/04/04

“you are what you eat”

if that is true, then I am

one big vagina

on Sundays some sing

in alto, tenor and bass

i sing Sopranos

Sex and the City

should have been called: Samantha and the Whole City

Sex and the City

should have been called: Samantha Sexes the City

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 03/03/04

a buck and a dream

is all it takes to wake from

this day&nightmare

•

“the francis triplets”

Zikiyah Francis

D’Angelo Francis and

Anthony Francis

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tue, 03/02/04

“po” is the first word

in poet, and the “E.T.”

means no “Go Home” cash

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 03/01/04

Some poets betray

themselves for PERFECT 30

pieces of silver

Jesus was betrayed

for thirty silver pieces

Judas used E-Bay

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 02/29/04

The Academy

Awards Oscar statuette

Is new golden calf

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 02/28/04

waited half hour

for appetizers, what if

i ordered entrée?

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 02/27/04

she said, “size me up”

so i took out my ruler

and applied my width

she said, “size me up”

so i used my protractor

to measure her curves

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thu, 02/26/04

sometimes cd’s sell

sometimes nobody will buy

i choose the former

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 02/25/04

it’s a death trap when

the emergency exit

is the entrance too

no fire escape

no emergency exit

this club’s a death trap

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tues, 02/24/04

i love hot chocolate*

i love hot chocolate so much…

call me Swiss Mister

[*using chock-lit pronunciation]

•

stealing isn’t right

but is it wrong to steal food

from a free buffet?

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 02/23/04

i hate to see black

shoplifters get caught, by white

security guards

i hate shoppers who

leave unwanted frozen food

in magazine rack

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 02/22/04

i watch what i eat…

as fork travels from plate

up into my mouth

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 02/21/04

high heels hurt her feet

yet she still wears them to go

work out on the track

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 02/20/04

all around, I feel

the pressure resonate from

the sounds of blackness

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thu, 02/19/04

her supplies keep my

Office Max, so I never

run out of Staples

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 02/18/04

A-Rod or Jeter?

Janet’s fault or Justin’s fault?

Butter or Parkay?

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tue, 02/17/04

“multi-tasking”

I’m watching tv

While the radio is on

As I talk on phone

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 02/16/04

Wanted to O.J.

My babymama; called Hertz

But no white broncos

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 02/15/04

The love of my life

Or rather loves,  are my kids

Poems are my mistress

A quote from her rant:

“blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah”

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 02/14/04 (Valentine’s Day)

Do you think you could

Give an Ordinary Joe

Like myself, a Chance?

On Valentine’s Day

Florists overcharge the men

Who waited too long

On Valentine’s Day

Cupid shoots me in the @ss

Instead of the heart

•

“W-W-J-D”

What Would Jesus Do,

if UPS fired him

for not cutting hair?

What Would Jesus Do,

if he caught the disciples

downloading free porn?

What Would Jesus Do,

if offered free subscriptions

to Maxim and Stuff ?

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 02/13/04

“Acronyms ‘R Us”

The meaning of WIC:

Women, Infants and Children

Or, Wanted In Court

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thu, 02/12/04

my feet are itching

so bad, that i keep scratching

until i draw blood

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 02/11/04

anti-terror laws

require that all airline

passengers eat pork

since the U.S. thinks

all Muslims are terrorists

make “must eat pork” law

guys named Vagina

can’t get upset when someone

calls them a pussy

i would like to think

that v.i.p. means: very

intelligent person

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tue, 02/10/04

my little hooptie

became off-road vehicle

when I fell asleep

fell asleep last night

didn’t set my alarm clock

…but did keep driving

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 02/09/04

George W. Bush

Is the new H.N.I.C.

Head Numskull In Charge

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 02/08/04

even against odds

Jenga! experts can’t un-stack

victory is won

suicidal thoughts

inside my head, play freeze tag

with my will to live

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 02/07/04

time waits for no man

but he’ll wait for a woman

with really big boobs

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 02/06/04

the number one book

on vegan bestsellers list:

who moved my soy cheese?

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thu, 02/05/04

while waiting on line

for def poetry jam show

Russell walked past me

i would like to think

that v.i.p. means: very

important poet

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 02/04/04

might be a new day

but it’s still the same old shit

in recycled form

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tues, 02/03/04

jheri curl, baldie

we are both still men fighting

to Make A Difference

c-a-r-b-s

cause all real blacks sleepiness

known as “the i-tis”

woke up 4 a.m.

could use a cup of coffee

tea will have to do

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 02/02/04

when norah jones sings

“don’t know why i didn’t come”

some guy’s ego hurts

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 02/01/04

the person who said

“size doesn’t matter” was big

…a big fat liar

tarot card readings

and being tested for aids

are both nerve wracking

•

“super bowl sunday heathens”

after super bowl

players thank God, even though

they worked on Sabbath

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 01/31/04

“slogan warrior”

think outside the box

so you can have it your way

and go home happy

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 01/30/04

emergency rooms

do to time, the same thing that

black holes do to light

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thu, 01/29/04

mother said to son:

it’s not good to beat your meat

…it might press charges

•

“child support court haiku”

it’s like a pressure

cooker; bitter mothers stew

angry fathers steam

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 01/28/04

loud music blasting

at 44 decibels

penetrates like Vicks

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tue, 01/27/04

frosted flakes falling

and it’s not grrrreat for the one

who has to shovel

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 01/26/04

in a wheelbarrow

made of latex, i rode through

her Niagara Falls

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 01/25/04

helping old ladies

across the street is risky

they might move too slow

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 01/24/04

“a case of the aint’s”

book smarts ain’t street smarts

common sense ain’t that common

all babies ain’t cute

“it ain’t where you from…”

“ain’t” ain’t a word—it’s “isn’t”

ain’t that a biatch

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 01/23/04

a pedestrian

always has the right of way

even jay-walkers

a mean motorist

gives pedestrians the right

(to get out) of way

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thu, 01/22/04

you’re far from funny

and you’re not close to being

a comedian

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 01/21/04

male menstruation

causes men to get bad cramps

in their attitude

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tue, 01/20/04

“he’s cute, but he’s weird”

that was my ex-girlfriend’s first

impression of me

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 01/19/04

i’m thirtysomething

but I feel teenagerish

when I get carded

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 01/18/04

new day, same old shit

hits the oscillating fan

hope it’s not on HIGH

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 01/17/04

war is front page news

it is the new daytime soap

and nighttime drama

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 01/16/04

Contradiction is…

When you call me dumb ass now

And wise ass later

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thu, 01/15/04

eye paralysis

happens when men break their neck

to see her walk past

male saliva drips

as women strip away clothes

and their dignity

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 01/14/04

Girl, I’m going to

Fornicate the manure

Out of you tonight

being celibate

is real HARD…literally

i feel celibstarved

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tue, 01/13/04

Socrates, Plato

and Aristotle—thinking

was their 9 to 5

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 01/12/04

GMAT (Ghetto Minded Aptitude Test) 

choose which one comes first:

the chickenhead or the egg?

explain your answer

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 01/11/04

i question Noah

for letting roaches and rats

come aboard the Ark

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 01/10/04

“banana split personality”

sherbet is confused

because it’s ice cream that tastes

more like an icy

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 01/09/04

I hope that you sneeze

For the rest of your lifetime

So that “God Bless You”

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thu, 01/08/04

U.P.S. brown skinned

Dark Hued Lovers join under

Fed Ex blue bed sheets

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Wed, 01/07/04

Barbie is naïve

She should have guessed it by now

Ken wants G.I. Joe

The Green Eggs ‘n Ham

Make it clear that Dr. Suess

Is not a Muslim

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Tue, 01/06/04

in the immortal

words of the great John Wither-

spoon and “bang…bang…bang”

seven 17

syllable sweethearts make up

my haiku harem

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Mon, 01/05/04

I feel frustrated

Like having steak for dinner

But no A-1 sauce

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sun, 01/04/04

How I look calling

Another guy Delicious

I’m a Grown Ass Man!

Cedric The Entertainer

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Sat, 01/03/04

First O.J., now Mike
a single glove has become
bad luck for star life

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Fri, 01/02/04

Ebenezer Scrooge

thinks Xmas lights should come down

after New Year’s Day

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

Thu, 01/01/04 (New Year’s Day)

For kids who get teased

Fat girls turn into Oprah

Nerds become Bill Gates

♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂♂

CLICK HERE TO SEE

OCT 2003—DEC 2003 HAIKUS

Love eludes me like

The damn fly in my kitchen

Are love traps sticky?

Life ain't no real bitch

It seems to fuck ME instead

When things get heated

Adina the Massage Therapist © JAN 2005

Do star crossed lovers

Rely on astrologers

To realign them?

Adina the Massage Therapist © DEC 2004

♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀

senryu for the harem – xmas edition

checking christmas list

good girls and boys will get toys

the bad ones get coal

remember star wars?

i was the only girl with

the whole armada

barbie, skipper, ken

ingredients for teenage

eating disorders

legos and lincoln

logs never get old. you build

whatever you want!

dolls and easy bake

two of my favorite toys

suzie homemaker

Delrica Andrews © DEC 2004

•

16th birthday blues 

(aka embarrassing birthday moment number #*%&^)($#(U#* and a half)

he made out with me

but left my birthday party

with another girl

Delrica Andrews © 2004

•

THEME:  BEING HUMAN/FLAWED

(I chose to try to find the positive in everything)

1. on flatulence

if we were meant to

be perfect, then God wouldn't

have created GAS

3. on being pretty

just because you've been

told you're pretty your whole life

doesn't mean you are

c. on being ugly

look at it this way

eventually the duck

grew into the swan

4. on bad breath

colgate, listerine

they are both your friends when they

are used correctly

5. on being skinny

fast metabolism?

enjoy now, you'll be huge

when you get older

6. on being fat & chesty

look at it this way

skinny broads pay hordes of cash

to have YOUR cleavage

d. on being flat and bootilicious

ok...consider

this ... ass fat transplants: cheaper

than getting implants...

Delrica Andrews © 2004

•

10/12/04

raised finger touches
your lips keep a secret...wish
i was the finger

•

LL had them.  Yours

are sexier.  Would you mind

if I licked your lips?

Delrica Andrews © 2004

-------------------------------------------------------------------

papermate flexgrip

medium tip pens...now THAT's

a great writing tool!

the pentel sunburst

medium gel pen is a

piece of shit ink pen!

foot taps to ethridge

while i crave any window

that's not at my job

i think i caught it

again. senryu fever?

pass me pad and pen!

Delrica Andrews © 2004 [received 08/25/04]

-------------------------------------------------------------------

it's been a long time...

shouldn'ta left you...without

[haiku*] to step to

* author’s original word: “senryu”

the more i know you

the more i like you...problem?

telling fucks it up

a blast from the past

more immediate than not

why you callin' me?

christina belts out

notes of depression, sadness

ALWAYS sounds the same

when will this all end

i'm tired of loving your

ass...now go away

talking yourself out 

of love's embrace only works

when your heart gives up

do i miss you when

you're gone? hell yeah! sometimes...i

miss you when you're here!

falling is only

worth it if you get hurt. at

least you feel...something

Delrica Andrews © 2004 [received 08/24/04]

♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀

Singing

It may not be clear

Why I do this thing my dear

It feels good cuming out

•

On An UP NOte

No means…period

I ain’t tryin’ to hear it

No is what I said

•

Waitin

Pick me, flick me, kiss

My attitude is splendid

Stick your finger in

•

Want So Bad

Desire, fire, burn

I await my turn at you

Tasting your sweet flesh

Roberta S. “Love Don’t Love Nobody” White © 2004

♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀

Email Senryu

“ZenExtend Penis

Pill”…must use as directed

say Ohhhhmmmmmm with each dose 

Delrica Andrews © 2004

♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀

Haiku Harem Entry #8 – (Bible Haiku #4)

Don’t mess with a man

With a rock and a slingshot

Just ask Goliath

Haiku Harem Entry #7 – (Bible Haiku #3)

Eve bit the apple

Caused women lots of trouble

It comes once a month

Haiku Harem Entry #6 (Bible Haiku #2)

She did not listen

Kept walking, looked back and it

Put salt in her game

Haiku Harem Entry #5 (Bible Haiku #1)

How did Delilah

Get Samson to tell secrets?

Strong feminine wiles

Nikki Mack-Redbonepoet © 2004

♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀

Married man with son

Broke my already cracked heart

Any crazy glue?

Have been delinquent

Haikus, not my specialty

But I’ll do better

Adina the Massage Therapist © 2004

♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀

Haiku Harem Entry #4 – “Bitch”

A five letter word.

Because I won’t talk to you?

Can you see my point?

Haiku Harem Entry #3 – “Innocent”

I am innocent

Until proven guilty, right?

Oh, you changed the rules.

Haiku Harem Entry #2

If the price of love

Includes my self esteem, then

I refuse to pay

Haiku Harem Entry #1

They're warm and tasty

And they feel good in my mouth

I love hot biscuits....

Nikki Mack-Redbonepoet © 2004

♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀♀

June 2004 – Delrica Andrews

on: last night [06/10/04]

Time:   01:59 pm

i AM single, but

when HE asked the question, i

could NOT tell the truth

words are too potent

to fall on stunted psyches