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| The Sunday Scoop Edition #7 No longer 'the one'. Ok, I like Fatboy Slim � who doesn�t? The guy�s a genius. So imagine my horror when I discovered that Channel 9 had decided to use one of his songs in their crappy promotion ads for the New Year. I can�t watch that ad without cringing or frowning � my family has learnt to say nothing while it�s on for fear of me plunging into one of my many tirades. I just sit in silence and grip the sides of the armchair while staring darkly at the television. Channel 9 has brought me many good things; The Pretender, Gilmore Girls, the many Star Trek series, Malcolm in the Middle, Frasier, Spin City, The Drew Carey Show � but this ad has ruined it all. I feel betrayed � yes, that�s right: betrayed. And don�t tell me that I�m overreacting or I�ll write a nasty review about you. Relax, I�m kidding. So seeing as this site is all about my vehemence of stupid ads, how could I not write about this one? It�s right up there with infomercials and those Crazy Clark ads where the guy screams at you. Now, there are about three of these ads, all slightly different from each other, but I�m just going to stick to the parts of the most popular one. We start off with Eddie Maguire (Channel 9�s pin-up boy, who I personally can�t stand, mainly because he�s up himself and has a head like a potato) doing some crazy Kung Fu crossed with what looks like a strangling movement on a staircase. Now this has to be a record � the ad sucks within the first microsecond. Why he�s doing this, I�m not exactly sure, but if he�s trying to look cool, he should stick to sitting down and writing cheques. I�m telling you, the whole ad is just a montage of stupidity. It�s set in this swish hotel where everyone is dressed in these brightly coloured �60s outfits, trying to dance some ridiculous dance that was cool way back when. The next shot is a collection of the Backyard Blitz, Getaway and Our House casts doing just that � and doing it badly. We then have three of the McLeod's Daughters women cast members (one of whom is well on her way to the age of having blue rinses) trying to shake their shoulders one at a time seductively at the camera. It�s a very scary thing to witness. Next shot, we get to see the Today cast try their shot at being funky � they too fail miserably. Three of them sit in chairs, clicking their fingers from shoulder to shoulder and moving their bodies from side to side (Tracy Grimshaw is a little over-eager in this and looks like she is having an epileptic fit) while Monty the weatherman and Richard Wilkins try strutting suavely onto the scene holding cups of coffee and clicking. It�s at this point that I look skywards and inwardly cry, �Why? Why?� Now, you would think that seeing as the Hi-5 cast are young, they would be better at this. (Insert bad buzzer sound here) Well, they�re not. I�m chalking it all up to bad directing. The group sit around a counter and make head movements similar to pigeons when walking, while one of the male clones jumps up on the counter and tap-dances. It�s not Young Talent Time, people � tap-dancing went out years ago along with big, red belts and wearing your ponytail on the side of your head. At this point, I�m wishing it to be over, but no such luck. This is the moment that they decided to bring out the crusty old guys. Don Burke starts the line-up dressed in a hideous peacock-blue shirt accompanied by a bright red tie. He then tries to be cool by putting one of those old detective hats on his head (Humphrey Bogart, eat your heart out) and proceeds to walk into an elevator by taking very wide steps, which makes me suspect that he has haemorrhoids or has lost his way to the Play School studio. He takes the elevator down a floor and gets out where Red Symonds is standing next to a giant wall mirror. So, Don does his haemorrhoid walk off the screen and then Red proceeds to screw up his face and move his body in an action that resembles what I imagine having sex with a lawn mower would look like. And they made it worse by planting him next to a giant mirror, because then he can see how stupid he looks. It�s a cruel, cruel world. And another thing, it�s obvious to see who wants to make an ass out of themselves and who is doing it just because it�s in their contract. Mike Munro and Ray Martin obviously don�t want to be there and because they�re such bigwigs, there was no way that they could be forced to dress up and dance. So the two of them just stand there in plain suits with their backs to each other, clicking their fingers and throwing fake smiles at each other over their shoulders, while wiggling their bodies in what I assume they think of as a dancing motion. It�s strangely reminiscent of when your dad tries to be cool at a party and dance along with your friends. I know the ad is almost over when I see Kim Kilby lying on a piano clicking her fingers (what is it with the clicking? Are they using Morse code to signal for help?) while the Footy Show boys dance around her. At this point, it�s so pathetic that�s it�s not even funny. �Fatty� then decides to steal the shot by jumping off camera and doing the moonwalk, well his stunt double does, we only get to see the feet. You�re almost there Sarah; breathe in, breathe out. And finally we get to the last shot where a stunt double back flips towards the camera and disappears only to be replaced by Eddie Maguire who stands up and straightens his tie, which wasn�t even out of place. Yeah, that was so believable. Podgy, potato-head did all those back flips and kept his outfit perfect. Did you know they took �gullible� out of the dictionary too? I�m not sure what it is that makes me hate this ad so much. I guess it just really bothers me that the advertising execs think we enjoy watching these people make asses out of themselves. Don�t get me wrong, people being stupid can be funny, but it�s not like they�re doing it because that�s who they are; they�re being forced, which is just wrong � like making animals perform in a circus. If I wanted to see natural stupidity, I�d just watch Jerry Springer. Sarah Taylor, Professional smart-ass. |