He blinked at the voice.
'Mulder.' The commanding voice said again.
Where the hell was he? His mind was all clouded, and his head hurt like hell. He looked around a little, and his gaze landed on a pair of sneakers. His eyes wandered up the person's jeans to see Skinner�s face.
Mulder was confused. What the hell was all the crashing? He squinted as a new pain enveloped his head. 'Sir?'
Skinner squatted down next to him. 'You okay?'
Mulder slowly sat up and as he did, the ocean came into view. His hand clinked against the empty bottle of scotch and everything came flooding back to him. The hospital, Krycek, Scully. The baby.
He closed his eyes, resting his knees on his elbows, and put his face in his hands.
Skinner sat in the sand next to him. 'What happened, Agent Mulder?'
'Didn't they tell you?'
Skinner nodded. 'Yes. I had a conversation with Byers up there. He said there were problems. He said she didn't survive.'
Mulder nodded.
Skinner hesitated. 'He said there was something wrong with Alex?'
'Krycek could feel what Scully was feeling. He collapsed.'
'He's still in the hospital?'
Mulder took his hands away from his face and looked along the shoreline. 'Last I heard.'
'I don't want to imply anything, Agent Mulder.' Skinner looked away. 'But do you really believe she's dead?'
Mulder looked over at him, trying to read his face in the moonlight. 'Why would you say that?'
Skinner shrugged. 'Just something that keeps eating at me. When this entire mess first started, Alex had said that Scully and the baby were very important. That she wouldn't be safe. And Scully had said that she was warned by Cancer Man that she needed to go into hiding, that her physiology was changed, that she carried an anti-agent.'
Mulder stared back at him. 'Of what?'
'The virus.'
�I saw her.� Mulder said after a moment of thinking. �I saw the monitor flatlining. I saw them put her into a body bag. I had barged in, they were surprised.�
Skinner didn�t reply. He frowned and looked out over the ocean. They were silent for a minute before Mulder spoke again. 'I wouldn't even know who to go to. Who would know if she were alive other than those who are holding her?'
Skinner stared back at Mulder. 'Alex.'
***
Skinner and Mulder sat in Krycek's room, waiting and watching. They had been sitting in silence for awhile.
'She was all I had.' Mulder said softly.
Skinner took his glasses off and polished them with his shirt, trying to distract himself from his own teary eyes. 'That's not true, Mulder. You have your work, your cause, you have friends.'
'That means nothing anymore.' Mulder shook his head.
'I know you and Agent Scully were close.' Skinner said, eyes still misting over. 'But she would want you to grieve and move on. She wouldn't want you to lose sight of yourself and your mission.'
Mulder opened his mouth, then lowered his head.
'This is all very new.' Skinner put a hand on his forehead, trying to clear his own grieving mind. 'You will need time, we both will.'
***
Krycek's eyes fluttered. He was trying to wake up. He felt people in the room.
He felt someone approach his side and lean down.
'I think he's waking up.'
He knew that voice. It was Skinner.
Krycek opened his eyes and tried to focus on his old superior. He was tired and damn his head hurt. What had happened?
'Where�' Krycek's voice croaked into silence. He licked his lips, swallowed, tried again. 'Where am I?'
Skinner spoke softly to him. 'You're in the hospital, Alex. But you're fine. You're just resting.'
Krycek closed his eyes again and suddenly felt hate directed at him. That could only be Mulder, he thought. No one hates me that much.
Why was he in the hospital? What was he resting from?
Krycek's eyes suddenly popped open.
'Dana?' He asked as thoughts came flooding back to him. He had felt her trying to hang on, trying to reach him, asking for help. For her, for the baby.
Krycek automatically reached out, trying to sense her. There was nothing.
Tears filled his eyes; he had tried to get to her. He had tried. He was weak, he couldn't hold on. The pain in his head had been too much, and that shock ripping through his body...
'Where is she?' He asked, reaching out and grabbing Skinner's arm.
'Alex.' Skinner said, his eyes full of sorrow.
He didn't need to say anything. Krycek read it all in his eyes.
Mulder stared at Krycek, arms crossed, anger flowing through him. 'You can't feel her?'
Krycek reached out again. Searching. There was nothing.
Tears fell down his cheeks as he shook his head.
Another thought popped into his head and he looked at Skinner. 'The baby?'
'He's fine.' Skinner nodded. 'We have plenty of protection on him.'
'Him?' Krycek reached out, felt a tiny mind touch his back. He almost smiled, but couldn't quite get it on his face through the mud in his bloodstream. He closed his eyes, trying not to pass out. He couldn't imagine feeling like this much longer. He had never felt pain like this in his life.
Mulder saw the look of compassion and concern Skinner directed at Krycek.
He suppressed the urge to scream.
'How do you stand it?' Krycek suddenly asked.
Skinner frowned at him. 'What?'
'This pain.' Krycek said. 'I've never felt this kind of pain. This kind of loss before.'
'You've never cared before.' Mulder said harshly.
Krycek turned his head to the side, away from him.
'It never goes away.' Mulder said, unable to show him an ounce of compassion. 'It fades a little, but it never goes away. Trust me, I'm an expert. It's how I felt when my Dad was murdered. It's how Scully felt when her sister was killed.'
'Mulder.' Skinner said sadly.
'How strange, Krycek. I seem to recall you were responsible for both of those �losses�.' Mulder pushed himself off of the wall, reaching for the door and opening it. 'I guess what they say is true. People get what they deserve.'
Skinner sighed and looked back down at Krycek.
His eyes were closed; he wasn't paying attention. He was reaching out, trying to find something, anything. He still felt nothing.
The word suddenly had a new meaning to him.
Nothing.
***
The next evening, everyone was gathered in the kitchen.
Krycek, Frohike, Langly, Maggie and Skinner were all sitting at the table in the breakfast nook. They were talking, visiting, trying to joke around, trying to make plans for Scully�s funeral.
Mulder stood off to the side, leaning against the wall that joined the breakfast area and the kitchen. He didn�t belong at the table. He felt removed from these people. He felt alone.
Krycek had said that Dana would be horrified if they were just sitting around, pouting and sulking.
Too bad that Krycek didn�t take his own words to heart, Mulder thought to himself. He could see right through the bravado that Krycek was surrounding himself with. He knew that the younger man was lost and confused and afraid. He knew that Krycek was terrified and barely hanging on.
They had been informed by the hospital that CDC, the Center of Disease Control, had been ordered to cremate Scully's body due to the fact that she had been exposed to a �virus of unknown origin�.
Maggie had automatically been upset because she wanted Scully to have a traditional Catholic service. Krycek gently informed her that Scully wanted to be cremated, and spread out in the sea, like her father. She didn't want a wake; she wanted a party. She wanted her life to be celebrated.
Mulder stared out the window, irritated that he didn't know this small tidbit about his best friend. His mind drifted as everyone sat around, making plans. He really wanted no part of it. He didn't know what to do now. He was alone. Well, that wasn't true. His sister was apparently still alive. He could search for her.
Again.
Krycek looked over at him from his seat at the breakfast table. In response, Mulder looked away.
He knew that Krycek was taking this badly. Probably even worse then he himself was, which made no sense to Mulder considering Krycek had a child to give him a new reason to live. Mulder still had nothing. Feelings were new to Krycek. Mulder had to give him that. He watched Krycek collect some cups and mugs from the table everyone was huddled around. He walked into the kitchen and went to put them into the sink. He hadn�t so much as glanced in Mulder�s direction as he brushed past.
The tension between the two of them had become unbearable. Mulder was certain that everyone around could feel it. It had been tolerable when it was just Mulder who had the problem. But now Krycek had a new hostility towards him and sometimes just the way that the younger man looked at him filled Mulder with unease,
He wasn�t sure where Krycek had picked up the new chip he carried on his shoulder.
It could be because he continually reached out to Mulder and was pushed away. It could be because of the argument that had happened the morning before. It could be because everything had been just fine in Krycek�s world until Mulder showed up for Thanksgiving. It could be because he was so pissed off that Scully was dead and needed someone to take it out on. It could be because he knew exactly just how much Mulder despised him and decided to quit trying. It could be because Scully had loved Mulder and not him.
It could be all of those things.
Now Mulder was faced with a new dilemma. What to do for the rest of his life. With Scully gone, he�d never have to see Krycek again. But what about the baby? Was he going to go through his life not knowing Scully�s son? Was he going to go through his life never seeing Scully�s mom again?
He didn�t think that Scully would like that very much. Let alone himself.
Krycek would be spending a lot of time with Maggie and the rest of Scully�s family. Not to mention the fact that the Lone Gunmen and Skinner had also become close with Krycek. He was sure that somewhere, sometime, somehow, no matter how hard he tried to avoid it, he would probably run into Krycek sooner or later.
Mulder sighed and looked back out the doors, over the ocean. His mind drifted until he heard Maggie�s voice. It was somewhat urgent.
�Alex?�
Mulder looked over to see Krycek staring down at the corner of the sink. His face was ghostly white, his eyes were wide and they filled with tears. Mulder didn�t think he was breathing.
�Alex.� Skinner repeated his name after Maggie.
�What�s wrong?� Frohike asked, walking towards the kitchen.
Krycek suddenly took a step away from the sink, still staring down at something unseen to Mulder. He was shaking. Between the expression on his face and his unresponsiveness, Krycek suddenly seemed like a child. He looked lost and alone. He looked terrified.
Damned if Mulder didn�t feel sorry for him.
�Krycek.� Mulder took a step towards him and gently took a hold of his arm. �Krycek, look at me.�
He did. But Mulder didn�t think he was seeing anything.
�Damn.� Frohike followed Krycek�s gaze. �It�s her ring.�
Silence traveled around the room. Mulder stared back at Krycek, genuinely worried, beginning to wonder if he had finally snapped and ventured over into the land of the catatonic. When tears slid down Krycek�s cheeks, Mulder had almost wanted to hug him.
Almost.
Maggie came over to put an arm around Krycek. �Come on Alex. Let�s take a walk.�
Mulder watched her guide him out the French doors and onto the deck. Langly followed them out.
�Shit.� Skinner said. �I�m not sure he�s going to make it through this.�
Mulder was shaken. The vacant look in Krycek�s eyes had been frightening. He had never thought about how badly Krycek would be affected by Scully�s death. He didn�t think he cared.
He didn�t care, he reminded himself.
�Should I put it somewhere?� Frohike�s voice interrupted.
�He�ll need to deal with it later.� Mulder replied softly. �Leave it there.�
The service was at sunset the following Saturday night. It had taken that long to get Scully's ashes from the government. They stood on the beach and played 'On The Turning Away' by Pink Floyd while her ashes were spread. Apparently, Scully had loved that song.
Another small detail Mulder never knew.
�Because she wanted to make the world a better place.� Krycek told him the night before the funeral.
Mulder had drifted down to the beach, trying to escape the gathering crowd in the house. People had been arriving from out of town all day and would unavoidably drop by the house to see Maggie and Bill. Skinner and the Lone Gunmen had taken off to get more food and drinks. Mulder hadn�t seen Krycek for a couple of hours, and figured that he�d gone back to the hospital to visit with the baby.
Skinner had told him that Krycek would just sit for hours and hold his son, who hadn�t been named yet. He had said that he was afraid Krycek was going to crack. He had said that maybe Mulder should stick around Newport Beach for awhile.
Mulder knew what his superior was trying to do.
Skinner probably figured that the two of them could help each other through this. He probably figured that it would be better for Mulder back here, with Krycek and the baby. Not back in DC, working on the X-Files, chasing little grey men and being angry at the injustice of it all.
Mulder hadn�t been to the hospital yet. He wasn�t sure he could handle seeing Scully�s baby yet. Skinner had told him that the baby had Krycek�s dark hair and Scully�s brilliant blue eyes.
Mulder walked down the stairs to the beach and stood in the moonlight for a moment, breathing in the salty air. A crowd of people sat around a bonfire, music from an oldie�s station playing on their portable stereo. He began to walk south on the beach and noticed someone sitting alone in the sand, up towards the cliff, nearly hidden in the shadows. The person was hard to see due to the fact that they were clad in black. Black pants, a black sweater, black boots�
It was Krycek.
��I see tress of green�Red roses too�I see them bloom�For me and you�And I think to myself�What a wonderful world��
Shit, Mulder sighed as he drew closer. I don�t need this right now.
Krycek had his face buried in his arms, which were resting on top of his legs. There was a bottle of tequila in his right hand, which rested on his left knee. The image permanently burned itself into Mulder�s mind. He didn�t think he�d ever seen the perfect picture of dejection before.
He stopped five feet away and stared down at his supposed brother.
��The colors of the rainbow�So pretty in the sky�Are also on the faces of people going by�I see friends shaking hands�Saying how do you do�They�re really saying�I love you��
Mulder had no idea how long he stood there in silence, trying not to feel any sympathy towards Alex Krycek. It was hard not to. Seeing Krycek sitting like that, legs pulled up to his chest, his arms crossed over his knees, head buried in his arms, tequila bottle in hand�
Krycek seemed very young to him again.
��And I think to myself�What a wonderful world��
�God, I hate this fucking song.�
Krycek�s voice was muffled against his arms.
Mulder looked down at him, at the back of his head. It was odd to see Krycek so helpless. �I figured someone with your outlook on life would enjoy the lyrics.�
�I used to like it.� Krycek replied, not raising his head from his arms. �I just now decided to despise it.�
Mulder spoke mechanically, not wanting to feel anything towards the man. �Why is that?�
Krycek raised his head to look at the ocean, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve. �This sudden malignancy towards life that�s stolen into my brain, where did it come from? I can�t possibly imagine.�
Mulder couldn�t bear to look at him, but he couldn�t look away.
Krycek�s eyes were red and swollen, tears were gathered beneath them. He had the stricken look of someone who�d lost their life. The air around him reeked of discontent, of disenchantment. Even his body language depicted someone who had given up on life.
�I can�t give up, Fox.� Krycek said, his voice thick and hoarse. �I have a son to think about.�
�I didn�t think you�d given up.� Mulder replied softly. � You just look like hell.�
Krycek linked his fingers around the bottle of tequila and rested his chin against his hands. �I never imagined that anything could be so painful.�
Mulder didn�t know how to respond. What the hell was he supposed to say to that? Bummer? He didn�t know how to approach this. He never in a million years imagined that he�d be standing in front of a grieving Alex Krycek. He never thought he�d view the evil man as a lost, hopeless soul.
Krycek took a drink from the bottle then wiped his mouth on his sleeve. He coughed, then sniffed.
Mulder suddenly felt like an old man. He�d been chasing after things his whole life. Chasing after one thing or another. He�d chased Scully out to the California coast.
And now here he was, watching his arch enemy collapse under the emotional strain of Scully�s death.
Life never quite works out the way you think it will�
Mulder sat down in the sand next to Krycek and took the offered bottle of tequila.
��On the Turning Away�, huh?� Mulder asked, taking a swig of the Cuervo.
�She loved that song.� Krycek replied. �Because she wanted to make the world a better place.�
Mulder held the bottle back towards him and kept his eyes on the dark sea. �Is that what it�s about?�
Krycek nodded and took another swallow from the bottle. �It talks about how most people just stand by and watch the world go to hell. How everyone ignores the suffering. But at the end, it�s resolute. No more turning away from the weak and the wary. No more turning away from the cold distant sun. Just a world that we all must share. It�s not enough just to stand and stare. Is it only a dream that there�ll be no more turning away? It�s about hope.�
Mulder looked over at Krycek. It still wasn�t easy to look at the heartbroken man. Krycek wore his emotions the way people were tailored suits, draped over their bodies, perfectly fitted. �I�ve never really paid much attention to Pink Floyd.�
�Pink Floyd has kept me sane all my life.� Krycek replied. �I�ve always felt that they have had as much of an influence on me as anyone or anything else. Dana always told me that my outlook on life was a momentary lapse of reason-�
Krycek�s voice suddenly caught and he couldn�t say anything.
Mulder watched Krycek struggle with his emotions. Empathy somehow invaded his heart. Krycek had never cared about anyone, so he�d never lost anyone. Imagine being all grown up and suddenly having to learn how to feel. How must that be?
Damnit, Mulder thought, unable to tear his eyes away from the desolate man sitting next to him. I don�t want to have to care. Why can�t I just be angry and hate him, like I always have?
I don�t want to care.
I don�t want to like him.
Krycek swallowed a couple of times. He closed his eyes and hung his head.
A lopsided grin managed to worm its way across Mulder�s lips as he watched Krycek wrestle with his feelings. He knew it was wrong, but couldn�t stop it. The words were out before he could stop them.
�You really had it bad, didn�t you?�
Krycek looked over at Mulder, the motion causing tears to slip down his cheeks. A dozen emotions played across his face. Disbelief won out. When he spoke, his voice was soft, husky.
�That�s all you care about, isn�t it Fox?� Krycek gave a small shake of his head. �Your pride, your ego. You just really want to know that I didn�t steal her away.�
Mulder didn�t respond.
A noise that was a cross between a laugh and a sob escaped Krycek as he looked out over the ocean. �You just want to make sure that I didn�t have something that you wanted.�
�Krycek-�
�Don�t worry, Fox.� Krycek glared at him with open hostility. �Dana was yours until the end.�
Mulder shook his head, irritated with himself for purposely hurting Krycek. �I just meant it must be hard on you.�
�Don�t lie to me, Mulder.� Krycek snapped harshly. �Don�t forget, and I�m quoting you on this, that I�m �not human�. I can read your mind.�
�We�re both upset.� Mulder said softly. �We�ve both lost someone very-�
�Why are you here?� Krycek interrupted him.
Mulder looked at him. He distantly wondered why he was so uneasy with Krycek displaying hostility towards him since. Krycek had been overly amiable since they had discovered they were born of the same gene pool. �You know why.� Mulder said softly. �I came to see Scully. If you�re asking me why I�m still here, that�s a pretty stupid question. Did you really think I wouldn�t stay for her funeral?�
�No. That�s now what I mean.� Krycek shook his head. �Why are you here, right here, right now?�
�I was walking by.� Mulder replied. �I saw you here.�
�And came over to gloat, to pry, to intrude your hostility on me.�
�I didn�t do any of those things-�
��You really had it bad, didn�t you?�� Krycek threw his own words back at him. �Why would you say something like that to me? Only to hurt me.�
�Didn�t you?� Mulder raised his voice.
�What does it matter?� Krycek asked imploringly. �What good does it do to argue over this? Who cares? It�s over, Fox.�
�I never got to tell Scully how I felt.� Mulder said softly. �She never knew what she meant to me, especially after these past few months. It bothers me that she might not have known how I felt. How much she meant to me.�
�What the hell does that have to do with anything we�re talking about?� Krycek buried his face in his hands. He stayed that way for quite some time. The only sound was the crashing of the surf.
�I�m sorry.� He finally said softly.
Mulder picked up the bottle of tequila off the sand and took a heavy drink. �For which part?�
�I tried to get to her.� Krycek said. �I tried to save her.�
Mulder froze.
�I couldn�t hold on.� Krycek�s voice was muffled through his hands. �I couldn�t get there fast enough.�
Mulder began to shake.
�I tried to hold on.�
Mulder couldn�t form a coherent sentence.
Krycek looked at him, tears in his eyes. His face was full of anguish.
�Dana knew how you felt. She loved you.�
Mulder stared back at him, unable to say anything.
More tears fell down Krycek�s cheeks when he spoke again. �That�s the reason I was trying to leave. I knew you wouldn�t be much good if I was still around. You hate me so much. You hate me so much that it blinds you. That�s why I was trying to leave. So you would be here for Dana and she would be happy.�
Mulder looked away; he couldn�t bear to look at Krycek�s agonized face while listening to this guilty apology. He couldn�t stand to hear Krycek say �you hate me so much that it blinds you�. He knew Krycek would feel guilty about her death for a long time. Probably for the rest of his life.
Krycek hung his head again; his lower lip trembled. �I don�t know how to do this. I don�t know how to deal with this. I don�t know how to feel.�
Mulder thought of Scully, dancing around Krycek and singing.
He thought of them flinging pumpkin innards at each other.
He thought of the way they had stared at each other on the beach.
He didn�t feel sorry for Krycek anymore.
Not one damn bit.
�You�ll get over it.� Mulder said stonily as he stood up.
Krycek let his head fall onto his arms again.
