�Alex, I get the feeling you�re trying to be diplomatic about something.�
�Turn the damn camera off.� Krycek said.
Mulder sat, staring at the screen as it switched to another time, when they about to begin to remodel Cade�s room.
Oh yes, who is the idiot now?
He definitely felt like an idiot. For several reasons.
Scully got up and walked out onto the deck. Whether she was upset at the images on the television, or upset at him, he didn�t know. Probably both.
***
Scully threw open the doors and walked out onto the deck. It had only been a few weeks since she�d been in that tin can of a room. That small, metal container that had been her prison for two years. It had only been a few weeks since Krycek and Mulder had come to take her away. Before that, it had been years since she�d seen either one of them. Since she�d seen anyone. Anyone except strangers and that cigarette-smoking bastard and his sidekick, who just happened to be Mulder�s ex-wife.
Seeing the past played out on the TV in front of her was bad enough. It felt like just yesterday, then again, it felt like such a long time ago. Life had stood still for her in the sardine container. The last memory she had before then had been Thanksgiving at the beach house, and the morning after when she�d gone to the hospital. Everything since then had been tin-can-time, tests and more tests, blood taken and more blood. She had been through so much. She had changed so much. Give anyone a couple of years in solitude with nothing to do but think and plenty of time to do it, and they�re bound to do a little soul-searching.
She hadn�t begun to process what had happened to her now that she was back.
Dealing with Mulder falling in love with someone else was also bad enough, but what had she really expected? Could she really blame him?
He had no right to be attacking her like that. He had no right to turn on her and demand an explanation on events that may or may not have taken place years ago. He was the one hiding thing�s from her.
Mulder had definitely not been there for her back then, years ago, when she�d been pregnant, and hiding and afraid of everything around her. When everything had seemed a threat to her and her child. And whether or not either of them liked it, she had been pregnant with someone else�s baby. But that wasn�t her fault. She didn�t ask for it to happen. He just never understood how hurt she was that he had put his work, his damn work, at the top of his What�s Most Important To Me list. All she had wanted was some support, to know that he cared. It had been hard, being away from Mulder and everyone who cared about her. She didn�t have Mulder, her family, hell, not even Skinner or the Lone Gunmen. She had long ago given up any semblance of real life to devote herself to Mulder and his work. Friends didn�t call her anymore and her family had never been the same. She had plenty to complain about, but what good did it do anyone anymore?
Krycek had never complained about anything. When she was sulking, or upset, he never told her to �snap out of it, because he obviously doesn�t care about you�, like she had thought to herself so many times. Actually, he had always defended Mulder. Had always said that �Fox, believes he�s doing the right thing�. He had always listened to her bitter complaining, her desperate insecurities. Why isn�t he here? Why won�t he come out and see me? Doesn�t he care?
And what if she had felt anything for Krycek, as Mulder was so determined to make her believe she had. Who could blame her? It didn�t matter that he was the father of her child or that he was her friend. Krycek had been there for her while Mulder was off playing conspiracy games with his ex-wife. He had always been ready to listen to her sporadic rants about Mulder. He always made her feel better about the situation, but it always came back later.
Mulder was always too busy to come out and visit, to come out and see her, to even call her. Too busy doing what, exactly? He�d never told her that, but apparently, he�d always been too busy working with the same people who�d eventually kidnapped her and stole over two years of her life.
She remembered a time on Halloween. She had been on the phone with Mulder, desperately trying to get through that thick skull of his, to tell him that she needed him there. He had been fairly unresponsive. He had told her that he was busy, but that he�d be out soon. He had seemed offended that she didn�t understand.
Scully had hung up on him. She couldn�t take anymore of his self-justification. After spending some time in Balboa and having dinner at Ruby�s, she had wandered out on the deck after coming home. This deck. The same deck she sat on whenever she needed to reflect and think, just as she was now. Just as she had then.
Krycek had come out to talk to her. He always did. It was almost comforting, the ritual they went through.
�You want to be alone?�
She always shook her head.
A poppy, happy song began to play and the lyrics had affected her.
��I need your arms around me�I need to feel your touch��
The funky beat began, but she paid it no mind. She had just hung up with Mulder, very frustrated with him, and wondering why she still hung on.
��I need your understanding�I need your love�So much��
She had set her glass of water down on the railing and covered her hands with her face.
��On the phone�Long, long distance�Always through such strong resistance�First you say�You�re too busy�I wonder if you even miss me��
It had seemed like the song had been constructed for her. She had immediately settled into instant depression. Krycek had sidled over next to her.
�Fox again?� He�d asked casually.
Scully had nodded at him. She never really needed to elaborate with Krycek.
�Well, Dana,� He�d said, �Right now this song is making you horribly depressed. And whenever you hear this song, you�re going to think the same memory and you really don�t want to be driving down the road ten years from now and suddenly get sucked into the black hole of bad moods because Cake comes on the radio.�
�What the hell are you talking about?� She�d asked, looking up into his face.
�Maybe you should make it a happy memory.�
�Is this more of your Taoism, Alex? Because I�m really not in the mood.�
�Yes, I know.� He grinned. �Fox on the brain, depressing you. I�ll bet I can make you forget about him right now.�
�Oh really.� She�d said in a snotty tone, turning to give him a dirty look.
She was stunned speechless when he picked up her glass of water and dashed it in her face.
Scully stared at him, not sure what she was feeling. She couldn�t believe he�d just done that. She wanted to be angry, but she couldn�t quite grab a hold of the emotion. He had just stared back at her, a smile tugging on his mouth. Finally, she won and he burst into laughter.
�I wish I had a camera.� He said. �You should see the look on your face.�
�I�m glad you find this so amusing.� She said, marching past him into the house.
He turned to watch her walk inside, leaning on the doorjamb and crossing his arms.
�You throw water in my face and think it�s funny.� She shook her head as she reached into the refrigerator behind the bar and grabbed a Coke. �That�s just great, Alex.�
�Well hey there, Scully. I haven�t seen you in a long time.� Krycek said, a smirk on his face. He turned serious as she walked back to him, seeing her Coke. �Wait a minute, you�re not supposed to be drinking caffeine.�
�I�m not.� She said, opening the can she had shaken up behind the bar and laughing as it sprayed all over him.
Looking back now, she realized that Krycek had been right. She had completely forgotten about her earlier conversation and irritation with Mulder.
***
Mulder sat on the floor in front of the television. He knew he should go out and talk to Scully. But he had no idea what he was going to say. What should he say? What could he say?
The happy memory unfolding in front of him didn�t do anything to lighten his mood.
Scully was standing in the middle of the room with a hand on one hip, holding a roller. She turned and hollered towards the back of the room.
�Frohike, come out of the closet already!�
Langly had been walking by and he turned and exchanged a glance with Krycek.
�I�ve been trying to get him to do that for years.�
Krycek snickered and moved towards the camera. �You want me to take that, Maggie?�
�No, Alex.� She said. �You go ahead and paint. I�d rather direct.�
�You ain�t no fool.� He said, smiling. �You�re getting out of the hard stuff.�
Frohike emerged from the closet at the back of the room.
�Finally outta the closet?� Langly asked.
Krycek began to paint a wall. �What the hell were you doing in there, Frohike?�
�What�s it to you, punk ass?�
�You�ve been in my kid�s closet for awhile now.� Krycek said. �If you don�t expect us to think that�s just a little weird-�
�If you must know-�
�No, no, no.� Scully held up a hand. �That, I don�t need to hear.�
Watching everyone taking part in building a life for Scully�s baby, for Scully and Krycek�s baby, his nephew, Mulder felt left out again. This time he did know that there was no one to blame but himself. Scully had asked, Krycek had asked, the Lone Gunmen had asked, Skinner had asked. Everyone had asked. But he had been too wrapped up in other things.
Mulder was shocked to hear a song in the memory. A song he had heard many times, whether he really liked it or not. Someone was singing sappily along with the radio, joking around.
��Hello girl, it�s been awhile��
A strange feeling swept over Mulder. He had thought of Scully every time he�d heard that song since she�d supposedly died.
��Guess you�ll be glad to know�That I�ve learned how to laugh and smile��
It was how he�d felt. He thought he�d loosened up considerably since then. Because Krycek had told him he needed to laugh more. To enjoy life more, otherwise he�d end up like their father. Even though he�d never admitted it to anyone, especially Krycek, the thought of ending up alone and burned out in his later years terrified him.
��Getting over you was slow��
It had taken almost a year before he could think of her without feeling like his insides were falling out. When he�d finally been able to look up towards the heaven that she�d believed in and hoped that she was there. He�d finally been able to believe that maybe she could see the person he�d become. That he wasn�t as serious and brooding and so damn uptight as he�d always seemed.
Someone else had joined in the sappy crooning.
��They say old lovers can be good friends�But I never thought I�d really see you��
Everyone in the room had wailed the last part, making fun of the song, being over-dramatic.
�I�d really see you again�I go crazy��
They all careened off into laughter.
Mulder shook his head to himself. He had been so proud, so stubborn. He had refused to take any part in Scully�s life because he couldn�t get over the whole Krycek thing. Over two years later, he was regretting every moment he�d missed.
Oh yes, who was the idiot now.
Mulder sighed and stood up. He had been putting it off long enough, catching up on memories he�d never be able to share. He needed to go talk to Scully.
He cautiously walked out onto the deck and stood there, staring at the back of Scully�s head. She was staring out over the ocean, her long hair blowing in the breeze. He had no idea what to say, no idea where to start. This was quite possibly the most helpless he�d ever felt in his life.
��Somebody�s Heinie�Is crowding my ice box�Somebody�s cold one�Is giving me chills�Guess I�ll just close my eyes��
Music floated out to them and he opened his mouth to speak but Scully beat him to it.
�Hey, Mulder.� She greeted.
He stepped up next to her and shared the view of the ocean.
��Say it ain�t so�Your drug is a heart-breaker��
Mulder put a hand over hers. �I don�t know what to say.�
�I know.� She said softly.
��Say it ain�t so�My love is a life-taker��
�You were supposed to be dead, Scully.�
�I know.�
�You were dead.�
�I know.� She said, turning her head away from him to look down the coastline so he wouldn�t see the tears on her cheeks.
�I�m sorry.� He said. �I don�t know what to say.�
�The timing couldn�t be better.� She tried to joke.
�I can�t just leave Marie because you�re back.� Mulder said. �It wouldn�t be fair-�
�I�m not asking you to, Mulder!� Scully stared at him in astonishment. �I can�t believe you just said that! I can�t believe that thought even entered your mind.�
He reached over and wiped a tear off her cheek �I�m just at a loss right now, Scully.�
She stared back at him. He seemed much older to her now. More mature. She looked away.
�Maybe it�s a blessing in disguise.�
She whipped her head back towards him. �What?� She asked, totally in disbelief. �I was taken away for two years, Mulder. I was kept from my child, from anyone who cared about me. What the hell do you mean, a blessing in disguise?�
�I didn�t mean that, Scully.� Mulder turned back towards the ocean. �I meant, I don�t know how to start. We were the only people in each other�s lives. You were the only person I trusted. It was natural for us to turn to each other, since each other is all there was.�
She turned away again.
�Let�s take each of us.� Mulder said, rambling on in places he had no reason to go. �You were always after your father�s approval. You never got it. You only dated men in your life that you knew you couldn�t have. Daniel, he was married, had children. And me, I was so committed to my work��
�Don�t you dare dissect me, Mulder.� Scully said, turning on him.
Mulder was silent.
�I don�t need your justification.� She continued. �Shit happens, things change. I understand.�
Mulder stared back at her. �All I meant is that you never know what�s going to happen. Maybe things are ending up, as they should.�
�It sounds like you need to convince yourself, Mulder.� Scully said softly. �Maybe you�re feeling guilty.�
�Guilty, no.� Mulder said. �Loyalty, yes.�
�Oh great.� She grinned humorlessly. �Now we�re dogs.�
�I�m serious.� He said. �We�ve always been very loyal to each other. It�s almost like we�re obligated to be together. I believe that your loyalty to me kept you from letting yourself get close to-�
Scully turned towards him, eye�s flashing in anger. �Stop right there, Mulder.�
The next several minutes were spent in silence until Mulder looked over at her. �You�re doing okay?�
She was silent, and slightly shook her head. �I don�t know. You think you have a handle on something.� She closed her eyes and ran her hands over her face. �You think you have everything in control. You try to accept things; you try to get over things. You try to let things go.�
�Scully, you�re talking in the second-person.� Mulder said. �That�s disassociation. Maybe you should-�
�You�re dissecting again.� She said, desperately trying to keep some sort of semblance of sanity. This wasn�t the time or the place for her to have her meltdown.
�You okay, Scully?�
She took a few breaths and managed to nod while listening to the music.
��In spite of years of silence�You cleaned up�Found Jesus�Things are good also out here��
Processing�Processing�She thought to herself.
��Say it ain�t so�You�re drug is a heart-breaker��
They had taken her away from her son, from her family, from Krycek and from Mulder. They had taken two years of her life and in the meantime, everyone else had gotten on with their own.
��Say it ain�t so�My love is a life-taker��
The whole time they�d known each other, outside forces had always been trying to split her and Mulder up. Take her away from him; take him away from her.
They�d finally won.
***
The next summer...
Mulder brought Scully a glass of iced tea. They were sitting on the bottom deck of the beach house. She smiled her thanks at him as he sat down in the chair next to her.
They both watched Cade, building some crazy sandcastle.
'I can't believe how big he's getting.' Mulder observed. 'Every time I come out, he's doubled in size.'
Scully smiled. 'It's amazing.'
Mulder came out to visit Scully every chance he got, which wasn't as often as she�d like. At least it's better than the last time, she sighed. She didn't blame him for not being there with her, she knew he thought he was doing the right thing, trying to fight Spender. Wherever he was.
Things were different between them.
A lot had happened while she was away. People had moved on with their lives. Back when she had been pregnant, it had seemed that Mulder would never be able to forgive her for having Krycek's child, that they were always going to have problems.
Now she saw how much he loved Cade. She saw that he had even managed to half bury the hatchet he�d had for Krycek. Mulder seemed happy and at ease with himself and with her. With Cade and with Krycek. She knew that Mulder had loved her, that maybe he still did. She made sure that he knew how much she cared about him.
But things were still different.
Mulder knew that Scully missed Krycek terribly. Hell, he himself did. He had just started to get to know the man. Had just started to get over the past. Had just started kicking the idea around in his head that maybe it�d be nice to have a brother.
Mulder had always wondered what had happened between Krycek and Scully the night before Cade was born. He didn't know. He figured he never would. Mulder knew that Scully had loved him, that maybe she still did. He made sure that she knew that he cared about her.
But things were still different.
Later on that evening, Mulder was preparing some veggie burgers on the grill; Scully and Cade were sitting together on a bench, visiting without saying a word.
'Mommy?'
'Hmmm?'
Cade had looked up at her with his beautiful blue eyes.
'Sometimes I hear Daddy.'
Scully smiled at him sadly. 'I know, sweetheart. Sometimes I do too.'
Cade had left it at that, seeming to understand without needing to hear a word.
After 'Uncle Fox' had put Cade to bed, he and Scully had sat in the full moon, having a glass of wine.
'You've never told me.' Mulder said. 'Krycek talks to you?'
�No.� Scully shook her head. ' Alex would never torture us like that. I think that sometimes when he thinks about us, that's what we're feeling.�
Mulder sighed, putting a hand over hers. She immediately interlaced her fingers with his, enjoying the support he gave her.
'Tell me about my brother.'
Scully smiled over at him. Mulder had never called Krycek that before. 'He loves music.'
'Yeah?' Mulder returned her smile. 'What's his favorite group?'
'Pink Floyd.' Scully said. 'He said that he'd always thought they were singing to him. That all their songs mirrored his feelings.'
Pink Floyd, Mulder thought to himself. I remember that. They kept him sane.
Krycek, sitting in a huddled in a black ball on the beach getting drunk.
He shook his head to clear it before Scully could pick the image out of his head. She didn�t need to know any of that. It would just upset her.
He took a sip of his wine. 'What's his favorite song?'
'Imagine.'
Mulder looked surprised. 'John Lennon?'
'Yes.' She nodded. 'Alex may have seemed evil and mean and harsh, but underneath, he wanted nothing but peace on earth.' Scully smiled, remembering all the times Krycek had told her he was bitter he'd missed the sixties. 'He was just a big hippie.'
Mulder was silent for a moment. 'I've missed a lot, haven't I?'
'Yes.' She said softly. 'You have.'
They didn't speak for a very long time. Scully suddenly took a deep breath. When Mulder looked over at her questioningly, she smiled and set her other hand on top of his. 'See what I mean?' She asked softly.
Mulder felt Krycek, thinking about Cade, Scully, and him. He smiled at the odd feeling that his brother was reaching out to him. He tried to reach back, to let him know that all was okay, that all was finally forgiven. That he hadn't been forgotten; that he was his brother. He spoke aloud softly to put more effort behind it.
'Hey Alex.'
��Hey you�Out there in the cold�Getting lonely, getting old�Can you feel me��
Krycek�s favorite band came over the stereo and his contact with his brother was immediately cut off. Mulder drew in a quick breath. The disconnection was not a pleasant feeling. He sat for a moment, feeling quite empty. He had felt his brother�s desperation and pain and longing. Not quite the feelings he�d want to have hanging around. But feeling a presence that was so Krycek, a confirmation that his brother was alive, was too large an emotion to want to give back.
��Hey you�Don�t help them to bury the light�Don�t give in�Without a fight��
�You okay, Mulder?�
He turned to see Scully staring back at him, slight concern on her face.
�Yeah.� He nodded. �Why?�
�You were off again.� She smiled at him. �Off, somewhere��
�Scully, we have to find my brother.�
The smile was instantly gone from her face. �I know, Mulder. But I don�t know what to do about it.�
He stood up and her hand was pulled out of his. �We can�t just leave him there anymore, it�s been, what, eight months?�
�I don�t know, Mulder, since New Year�s day.� She said softly, before glancing up at him. �I don�t know what to say, you haven�t brought this up since you first brought me home.�
Mulder shook his head, staring out over the ocean. �I�ve never felt him like that before.�
�It�s not always pleasant.� Scully said softly.
They were silent for a moment as the song played on.
��Hey you�With your ear against the wall�Waiting for someone to call out�Would you touch me��
�Mulder, you�re the one still in contact with everything. You�re still with the Verein. You�re still with the Bureau. You would know better than I would out here, hibernating.�
�Yes.� Mulder spun around and leaned back against the railing. �I�ve noticed you still haven�t decided what you want to do with yourself. Your mom is still the only person who knows you�re alive. Not even Bill or Charlie, or Skinner or any of the Lone Gunmen. You�re still legally dead.�
��Hey you�Would you help me to carry this stone�Open your heart�I�m comin� home��
�I�m still scared.� She said honestly.
�Ah, Scully.� He slowly crossed over and knelt in front of her. �You know I won�t let anything happen to you.�
She smiled at him and gently touched the end of his nose. �You�re all the way across the country, Mulder. Can you really blame me for not relinquishing total control of my safety into your care?�
�Yes, I can.� He grinned back. �You should know I won�t ever let anything happen to you.�
�Shall I state the obvious?� Scully looked away from him and upwards, grinning.
Mulder smiled at her. 'Are you trying to look cute?'
�No.� She said seriously. 'Why, do I?'
He laughed and looked away, nodding. 'Yes, you do.'
They both laughed, reliving the memory. Scully smiled over at him. �Do you really have to leave tomorrow?�
�I�m afraid I do.� He said, leaning back and letting her try to hold him by his hands. �The Verein will be very upset if I don�t show my smiling face soon. Not to mention Skinner�s ever-lasting stoicism.�
Scully couldn�t hold his weight, even after standing up and trying to use her body weight to balance him, and he fell on his butt. �Ah, Skinner.� Scully said. �I do miss him so much. You puttin� on weight, Mulder? Because you seem much heavier to me now.�
�Kiss my ass, Scully, how about that?�
�Mark the spot, Mulder.� She grinned evilly. �Because you�re all ass.�
He threw his head back and laughed and she smiled larger in return.
�Got you big time.� She said.
