Family name: Pipette Given names: Mandarin August Born: 22nd October 1912 in Collonade Cracknell, East Beds. Education: * Rampewter College Of Infernal Textiles * Royal Ginseng Poly, Rahmein * St. Argot's Seminary Of Fragile Discretion * Diarama Aggregate School For Boys * Massedpetal Academy Of Infantilism Employment history: * Assistant Anaglypta, Mewling Park Hotel * Tinned Mist Finesse, Cress Industrious * Deputy Fang Speculation, Succulence, Avalon * Marry-Me-Muffin' Mascot, Braid LED Clinic, Mildhalting Heights * Executive Spittle Gaffer, Furnacegarong Dockyards, Macaque Qualifications: * Masters in The Power Of Naked Flame * Third Class Degree in Glove Free Foam Management * Middlin' Dip in Lighter Fuel * A levels in Skiffle, Dwarfism and Frosted Glass * O levels in French, Gin, Pretty Girls, Free Love and Gullible Crochet. Why I deserve this job: My expert swordsmanship has only got me arrested twice and then the swines just wanted some pale tail hauled across the night gravel. I have a good command of all living things. I am a faltering bore in two languages and a moron in nine. My extensive experience in the Occult and personnel management have been the basis for two Broadway musicals. I'm not afraid of inertia and mind-foggin ritual is my middle name. |
| A List Of Words I Don't Hear Anymore jerkin molly coddle croop knockabouts johnnies moccasins labour exchange mardy muggins laburnum lady muck veruca nit nurse steakette frumpy petticoat suet dessicated semolina carsy fasty palsy macaroon curd actchies potboiler luncheon voucher fuddy duddy hanging basket giblets to chuck (someone) lugubrious melamine lintel crazy pathing mumsy terry towelling perm solution locum hair lacquer yampy scrumping brisket pebbledash loll lovey dovey ducky lumbago busters tiddles manse megaton midges mooch muck spreader galoshes nettle rash nibbles ninkenpoop lackadaisical tesselated drollery slow coach bosting lily of the valley nest of tables nuthouse nutjob crazy paving to galavant kiss chase off ground tick nozzle giddy aunt tousled tassles posy non-shrink nookie pranny tranny raffia cranny suggestions welcome to [email protected] |
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| Curriculum Vitae For Mandarin August Pipette |
| Santa Sprees Book Of The Month |
| "The lobby was trying so hard. It throbbed with pitiable detail. A weedy vine of fairy lights wrapped around a pot plant was, in hindsight, the most dignified attempt to ensparkle the place with a grimace of glamour." An excerpt from Wyatt Porpoise's 'This Hotel Is Cheaper Than I Am: A Life On Expenses'' |
| " It was, as it transpired, quite a tawdry little encounter but it left me with this pretty, bruise-blue anecdote that I knew would fizz, gemlike, amongst all the dishwater "thinkpieces" that were captivating the nation back in 1997. Now, picture the scene.....a sticky little South London "caff".....yours truly (herringbone, mustard galoshes, ivory pipe)....and a semi-literate cast of labourer types in emulsion spotted denims biro-ing holes in their well thumbed JUMBO PUZZLERS. One of the fellows, a younger oilier one, trolled over to my table and uttered a phrase that has since become embedded in gluey knots in every idle synaptic byway of my mind.......a phrase that I've rolled around inside my sealed mouth for 2 years but have never dared voice. He asked me, in the plateaued tones common to the locale, "Do you like a puff daddy?" To this day I've not fathomed a response. He left muttering that I had been, in my gormlessness, "as thick as fuck" - another phrase as prickly and impenetrable as the modern world - but one that doesn't dawdle....doesn't coo like a deathless phantom.....endlessly......it is not...."Do you like a puff daddy?....Do you like a puff daddy?...Do you...like a... puff...daddy?" It's strange indeed what can contort a life into new shapes. |
Pudgy paws grip lurid bullet crayon scrawl pictogram of mommy with loaf crust chandelier implant kaboodles of fleshpots coo "guten-tag" to mint-eyed passersby wave-slapped timber harbours dead runaway twins bound with grub grey twine and shot with galloping musket reined with apron strings bluebottle perches rendered in loving detail by tribal elders handicraft spacecraft essence of tweed heather pot-pourri glazed geese figurines lifelike skins porcelain splashed with tea milkily curdled from sabre brush work with sable snow tipped anklets waiting for glass top cake set with mini-fork filigree silvered teet formula nigh on pigsty fellow blousy carnation whimpering silk under weak angle poise sunlight grim block mass bay waters black feather dive bird gannet mix effect lovingly stippled hogbrush highlights on untreated mauve wash out to graze with cedar wood varnish gloss vinegar cleansed daubles on dressing table slate salad fly eyes refract old prism cluster clone servant mannerism on lava tundra belts and diamante days in dells and copses where pheasants got shot in a life that got lost BACK TO INDEX |
| Excerpts from Mandarin Pipette's unpublished fantasy column, 'Encounters With Them!', will be displayed on this page from time to time. The following extract was re-written in October 1998 after his long battle with Woman's Own over the printing, editing, and subsequent mocking of his letter to the editor 'Oh, please shut up about thrush you insufferable bores' |
| Mandarin In The Modern World |
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| Sensory Underload Things I'd never really noticed in England but I did this visit. a) The sight of gum hardening and whitening in flat discy spottle on every pavement. b) The smell of church stone and hymn books. c) The sound of doors brushing carpet pile. d) The sound of buses changing gear. e) The taste of spray cream. f) The thin white noise of a power shower. g) Drug dented thought and syntax control. h) People own lots of mugs. i) The shabbiness of department stores. j) Bitterness can be really funny if it's done right. k) Nodoby's clothes fit. l) The light doesn't photograph well but it's easy on the eyes. |
| foreward to a work in progress click and pray for a swift return |
| numeracy, literacy, vagrancy unreadable |
| The following extract comes from 'Gollywog's Ghastly Galoshes', written by Manadarin in the winter of 1979. It was intended as a sweet, post-colonial fable for his young niece, Alexandriana (nicknamed 'Blubby'). |
| Golly's new rubber boots caused him the most frightful discomfort when he first put them on. "Oooh Oooh" he whined "These rubber boots will do me permanent damage" "Stop moaning young master Golly!" snapped Mrs Thwackerteet "I'm sure there are plenty of little boys in Africa who would love to have a pair of shiny new wellingtons" "But they're 3 sizes to small". Golly was beginning to grate. "Oh really? I wonder if the young master hasn't got a little too big for his boots!". With this Mrs Thwackerteet panned a smirk around the shoe shop - those about her, taken aback by the fuss, nodded their approval and smirked along conspiratorially. Golly saw these mocking, pink faces and imagined, if only for the briefest moment, their flesh melting in a house fire that he, vengeful and barefoot, had started. |
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| I'm in love with a robot arm |
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