| Seek the Assistance of Another Parent There was a parent who helped me. Twenty-two hours after my own child's diagnosis, he made a statement that I have never forgotten: "You may not realize it today, but there may come a time in your life that you will find that having a daughter with a disability is a blessing." I can remember being puzzled by these words, which were nonetheless an invaluable gift that lit the first light of hope for me. This parent spoke of hope for the future. He assured me that there would be programs, there would be progress, and there would be help of many kinds and from many sources. And he was the father of a boy with mental retardation. My first recommendation is to try to find another parent of a child with a disability, preferably one who has chosen to be a parent helper, and seek his or her assistance. All over the United States and over the world, there are Parent-Helping-Parent Programs. The National Information Center for Children and Youth with Disabilities (NICHCY) has listings of parent groups that will reach out and help you. If you cannot find your local parent organization, write to NICHCY to get that local information. Talk with Your Mate Over the years, I have discovered that many parents don't communicate their feelings regarding the problems their children have. One spouse is often concerned about not being a source of strength for the other mate. The more couples can communicate at difficult times like these, the greater their collective strength. If there are other children, talk with them, too. Be aware of their needs. if you are not emotionally capable of talking with your children or seeing to their emotional needs at this time, identify others within your family structure who can establish a special communicative bond with them. Talk with significant others in your life -- your best friend, your own parents. For many people, the temptation to close up emotionally is great at this point, but it can be so beneficial to have reliable friends and relatives who can help to carry the emotional burden. Do Not Be Afraid to Show Emotion So many parents, especially dads, repress their emotions because they believe it to be a sign of weakness to let people know how badly they are feeling. The strongest fathers of children with disabilities whom I know are not afraid to show their emotions. They understand that revealing feelings does not diminish one's strength. Learn to Deal with Bitterness and Anger Ultimately, bitterness and anger will hurt you a great deal more than they will affect those toward whom the anger is directed. It is very valuable to be able to recognize your anger and let go of it. It is understandable that parents will be bitter and angry and disappointed to learn that their child has a serious problem. When you realize that these negative responses tend to hurt you and make you less effective with your child, you can decide to do something about them. Life is better when you are feeling positive. You will be better equipped to meet new challenges when bitter feelings are no longer draining your energies and initiative. Adopt a Grateful Attitude It is hard to remain angry when one is grateful. Sometimes, when everything seems to be going wrong, it is difficult to find a cause for gratitude. However, in the scheme of things, if you look around and count your blessings, perhaps positive feelings can overtake the more negative ones. Maintain a Positive Outlook A positive attitude will be one of your genuinely valuable tools for dealing with problems. There is truly always a positive side to whatever is occurring. For example, when my child was found to have a disability, one of the other things pointed out to me was that she was (and still is) a very healthy child. The fact that she has had no physical impairments has been a great blessing over the years; she has been the healthiest child I have ever raised. Keep in Touch with Reality To stay in touch with reality is to accept life the way it is. To stay in touch with reality is also to recognize that there are some things that we can change and other things that we cannot change. The task for all of us is learning which things we can change and then set about doing that. Remember That Time Is on Your Side Time heals many wounds. This does not mean that living with and raising a child who has problems will be easy, but it is fair to say that, as time passes, a great deal can be done to alleviate the problem. Therefore, time does help! Find Programs for Your Child Even for those living in isolated areas of the country, assistance is available to help you with whatever problems you are having. While finding programs for your child with a disability, keep in mind that programs are also available for the rest of the family, too. Rely on Positive Sources in Your Life One positive source of strength and wisdom may be your minister, priest, or rabbi. Another may be a good friend of counselor. Go to those who have been a strength before in your life. Find the new sources that you need now. A very fine counselor once gave me a recipe for living through a crisis: "Each morning, when you arise, recognize your powerlessness over the situation at hand, turn this problem over to God, as you understand Him, and begin your day." Whenever your feelings are painful, you must reach out and contact someone. Call or write or get into your car and contact a real person who will talk with you and share that pain. Pain divided is not nearly so hard to bear as is pain in isolation. Sometimes professional counseling is warranted; if you feel that this might help you, do not be reluctant to seek this avenue of assistance. Take One Day at a Time Fears of the future can immobilize one. Living with the reality of the day which is at hand is made more manageable if we throw out the "what if's" and "what then's" of the future. Good things happen each day.Take time to "smell the roses." CONTINUED ON THE LAST PAGE... |