Asher Scharf on occasion of his son's Sheva B'rachot following his wedding.
My Son's Wedding
by Asher Scharf
We had one expecially difficult moment durning my eldest son's recent wedding. In the weeks before the event, his mother and I had accompanied him, physically and emotionally, through all decisions and arrangements - just as we had throughout his growing up.
At the wedding we escorted him, our arms linked in his, to the huppah. But immediatly after the huppah, when we waited among all the well-wishers to escort him from the huppah into his new life - he wasn't there. He had already started to walk in his own life with his bride, without us.
"Saying good-bye to you is painful" says God to the Children of Israel at the end of the holiday of Sukkot. Therefore, the Talmud teaches, God added on the holiday of Shemini Atzeret, as if to say, "Stay with me one more day."
That is why - although customary in many circles for the bride and groom to leave, by themselves, on a honeymoon after the wedding - among religous Jews, the bride and groom stay for a week of "Sheva Brachot" celebrations. This week of festive meals is not for the couple so much as for the family and friends, to sweeten the parting, because "saying goodbye is so painful".
As I went though this goodbye period, I asked myself a question. Everyday, after putting on tefillin, we say a prayer that likens the connection between God and Israel to a man and women becoming engaged. But why engangement and not the marriage itself? Engagement is only a beginning, an uncomplete act.
My answer was that the time of engagement is precious in itself. When people have been married for a long period of time, their marriage can become routine. There's a danger that they will forget the special feelings they had in the time of newnesss, when they first met, first took a walk together, shared a snack or a joke. In the run of everyday, they might forget their long talks, their plans and dreams, especially their dreams.
Through all of life's problems - health, livelihood, the pressures of living in this holy land - one needs to stay attached to the hopes and feelings one had during the time of engagement, to remember the love and the dreams from the time when everything was new. And even after years have gone by, it's important to try and regain that perspective.
On the night that our son annouced to us that he had decided to get married - after the shock wore off - we looked at him and his finance, and we saw a young, shy couple filled with hopes and yearnings to overcome all difficulties and wanting to build a small and perfect home in their hearts. As his mother and father, we felt grateful to be reminded of being in that same position 26 years ago.
The word for love in Hebrew, "ahava" is built from the word "hav", which in Aramic means "to give". While all of the world speaks about "falling in love", as if some force from outside was pushing people together, the Sages say that to love means giving to each other - whether it's parent to child or one spouse to the other. The Beatles said it, too: "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."
As I consider all this, I felt I had received from my son and new daughter-in-law the same blessing I wanted to give to them - to grab onto the time of the engagement, to remember and hold onto it. And even more, as it says in Don Quixote, "Don't ever give up dreaming!"
Mazel Tov, to them and to us.
