The Ask Felix Archive

Dear Felix:

    I am not writing to receive advice from you, but rather to thank you. Thank you Felix for being so wise and offering me wonderful advice! Thanks to you I have realized that I am maybe not that ugly or stupid, and now have a most wonderful man, with whom I am sure you are well acquainted with. Thanks again, and good luck with your advice page.

Sincerely, obafgkm

Dear obafgkm, 

    If there's one thing I like to hear, it's a success story. You certainly sound happier, and I'm glad I was able to help in some small way.  Letters like these make it all worthwhile! Well, those and the letters about the ambidextrous llama, but why quibble...

- Felix

Hello Felix-chan! I need help with my love life! I can't get guys! They run away from me or just tell me that they like being friends. I like my physics tutor but he's so smart that I feel inadequate. Besides I've only known him for like one hour and all we talked about was physics! Help me get him please!

love lorn

Dear Love Lorn,

    Nothing grieves me more than a lass lost in love. (I do, however, love alliteration.) So, let's see what we can do for you here. First off, you must find a common interest... no, wait, you already have physics. One down! Okay, second, you must get him drunk. Then, when he wakes up from his drunken stupor, show him a lovely gold ring on your finger and notify him that you got married in Vegas. By the time he's figured out your ruse, he will have fallen madly in love with you anyway, so he won't stay mad at you. Happiness will be yours!! Best of luck.

- Felix

Dear Felix,

    I have a problem. None of my friends want to hang out with me. Whenever I have a free evening, they're all working or out getting drunk. I want to go out and do stuff in the evenings, but I don't like doing everything by myself. What should I do?

Sincerely,
lonely in virginia

Dear Lonely,

    Nothing grieves me more than a tale of abandonment by those whom one calls friends. My suggestion to you? Make your own friends! One can make all sorts of things out of common household items, if one is so inclined. I recommend starting small, with robots. Once you get the hang of them, you can step up to genetic engineering. Your new friends will have all the qualities you like and none of the qualities that you don't. After a little while, your little fantasy world will be so all-encompassing that you will never be unhappy again. Best of luck!

- Felix

Dear Felix:

    I�m having roomie difficulties... She treats me like I�m [poo] lately, asking me to do things as if I�m her slave... Ha! She is also always cold, when it is just fine and so she�ll turn on the heater making our room hot and stuffy (ick!). What am I supposed to do about this?!?!?!?

~ grrrr�..~

Dear Grrr...

    Nothing grieves me more than roommates who simply can't seem to get along. Luckily, I've compiled a list which may help you with your roommate woes. Simply click on the following link for many safe, conscientious, and humane ways in which you can solve this sad predicament.

- Felix

Dear Felix,

    I have a problem. I have the cutest dog in the world, but she's controlling my life! She runs our house on a very tight leash. I spent more money on my dog for Christmas than I did on my own father! She's so cute that I just can't tell her "no". Even if I do, everyone tells me that I'm being mean, and they give her what she wants anyway! Please help!

desperate in Virginia

Dear Desperate,

    Yet another control issue. Yes, I seem to get a lot of these. Quite simply, you have to stop letting this pooch run your life! I know, easier said than done, but it's for your own good, trust me. Start by chopping up her credit cards. Limiting her access to your finances may be enough to make her realize that you're serious. If this doesn't work, I'd recommend the two of you going into counseling. It sounds like she has the rest of your family wrapped as well; you just have to explain to them as best you can the entirety of the situation, and maybe have someone from outside your circle step in to intervene. As a final act of desperation, of course, there's always Jerry Springer. Good luck!

- Felix

Hey Felix,

    You're the only one I can turn to in this situation...the girl I like has a boyfriend, and it's upsetting me to no end. What should I do? I've tried forgetting about it, and that doesn't seem to work. I think killing/conveniently making disappear/shipping to Zimbabwe/putting in a tutu and taking pictures for distribution over the internet of the boyfriend is also out of the question. Help me!

Sincerely, Unsigned

Dear Unsigned,

    First off, are you sure killing is out of the question? That's really the simplest way to take care of this little problem. Sadly, this doesn't work in all cases - John Hinckley, for example, totally failed to gain Jodie Foster's admiration when he tried it. Anyway, if you're quite positive you can't kill him, there's a very simple alternative. Pretend you're gay! That's right. All you have to do is be the gay best friend - she'll tell you all about her life, all about what's happening with her and her boyfriend, maybe even be comfortable enough to undress in front of you. Then, once she finally gets sick of her boyfriend, she'll fall madly and passionately in love with you, and curse herself that she can't have you. But that's the trick - she can! It's a match made in movie heaven. Good luck!!

- Felix

Dearest Felix,

    I have a slight problem. No I have a big problem. You see I am stupid and ugly, I have few friends and am not well liked by members of the opposite sex. What is one supposed to do??????????

-obafgkm-

Dear obafgkm,

    To begin, I think you're being a bit hard on yourself. I'm going to go ahead and guess that 1) you're not stupid, since you attend a very prestigious Midwestern school. How do I know? I'm Felix, I know all! 2) You're not ugly, just because I said so, and I know all. 3) It could be that you're just shy! You should join a club, or talk to that cute guy/girl you're always eating lunch with, or something. 4) I have it on good authority that you are well liked by at least one member of the opposite sex. Deal with it. ~Cheshire Cat grin~ So what is one supposed to do? Go ask out that special someone. You just might be surprised.

- Felix

Felix,

    Maybe you don't get any letters because you never answer the questions that people send you! You're nothing but a big, fat, poopy-head!

(unsigned)

Dear anonymous,

My my, such hostility! I think my answer to this complaint could be summed up a number of different ways, really.

1) I must apologize sincerely for the delay between installments of my advice column. It seems that very few people have been seeking my advice lately, and I had decided to wait until I had accumulated a number of correspondences before answering, thus making for a much more enjoyable read. Once again, I offer my condolences and will try not to let this happen in the future.

2) Oh yeah?? Your dad's a poopy-head! Nyah!!!

    Take your pick. I aim to please, after all.

- Felix

Dear Felix:

I am hoping that you can help me. I really don't know where else to turn. I have a fetish for squirrel monkeys, and it is ruining my life. My friends have all stopped talking to me, I am about to lose my job. But I just can't stop thinking about the squirrel monkeys, and how happy they make me. No one understands me, or what I'm going through. Squirrel monkeys are so soft, and cuddly, and they make those cute monkey noises. I don't want to give them up. I don't know if I can. Please, whatever advice you could give me would be wonderful.

Monkey-lover
Seattle, WA

Dear Monkey-lover,

    It seems you have not just a fetish, but an addiction. If your "fascination" with squirrel monkeys is seriously impacting your personal life to the extent that your relationships and job are suffering, you need help. However, you must first admit to yourself that you have this unhealthy addiction, and be willing to break the cycle. I suggest you consult a psychiatrist on this issue, and ask your friends and family for help. Of course, I completely understand your point about how soft and cuddly they are... and those cute lil' noises they make... so, um, if it helps you at all, you could just, y'know, send your squirrel monkeys to me... I'd give them, er, I mean, find them a good home...

- Felix

Ok, Felix.

    Suppose you were surfing the web one day, and you found pictures of yourself in a tutu. Would you be entitled to copy those pictures and use them for your own purposes? Or would you have to ask permission from the guy who has the originals? Please help me work through this moral quandary..

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

    Unfortunately, intellectual property is quite well protected by copyright laws and such. Since you admittedly are not in possession of the originals, you would seemingly be forced to resort to piracy in order to obtain them. While this is a morally ambiguous action to take, you would most likely not be punished for such an infraction, unless the owner of the pictures discovers your identity. So, while I would strongly discourage you from participating in this brand of "vigilante justice," I can't say that it would probably have any negative impacts, aside from subtracting from your moral character. To be safe, I'd just ask the owner to use them. But hey, what the hell were you doing in a tutu to begin with? Serves you right! You bum...

- Felix

Dear Felix,

    I have a digital camera, but my printer is not exactly a photo quality printer. I'd like to get a printer to print my pictures, but I really don't want to spend a lot. What is the highest quality photo printer I can get for a reasonable amount of money?

Jerranna

P.S. If you give me a good answer, I'll send you a picture.

Dear Jerranna,

    Despite (no, not because of, despite!) your use of blatant bribery to get an answer to this question, I consulted an expert in the field - well, my uncle. This is what he passed along to me.

"There are several inexpensive printers that can produce photo quality. It is not known of the resolution of the person's camera in question. Each camera has different resolution. Here are a few suggestions:

Cannon S400 around 100, Print resolution not as high.
Cannot BJC-S450 around 150
HP DeskJet 648C around 100, There is an additional charge for a photo plug in. cost for the plug in is not known.
HP DeskJet 842C around 150

This should help." - Bob*

    Jerranna, I hope this helps you to come to a well-informed decision on which printer is best for you! (Ha! How many of you expected a serious answer to this question? So there!!)

-Felix

* Name changed to protect the innocent. His real name is Bruce.

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