How to Freak Out Your Roommate

Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

Twitch a lot.

Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

Become a subgenius.

Inject his/her Twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

Speak in tongues.

Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

Walk and talk backwards.

Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans the middle of your room. Number them.

Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."

Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Princess Bride," "Empire Records")

Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while humming Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).

Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."

Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

Eat glass.

Smoke ballpoint pens.

Smile. All the time.

Collect dog crap in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.

Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.

Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.

Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.

Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, then look away quickly.

Dye all your underwear lime green.

Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).

Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.

Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.

Shave one eyebrow.

Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter, "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.

Put horseradish in your shoes.

Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

Always flush the toilet three times.

Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

Give him/her an allowance.

Listen to radio static.

Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

Cry a lot.

Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's voice mail.

Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If s/he walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.

Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls.

Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.

If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.

Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.

Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out. Use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.

If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.

Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.

Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.

Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.

Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.

Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.

Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.

Follow him/her around on weekends.

Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.

Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.

Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

Take his/her underwear. Wear it.

Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.

Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't do anything, just stare.

Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.

Let mice loose in his/her room.

Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.

Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.

Skip to the bathroom.

Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.

Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.

When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.

Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she can find them.

Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.

Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.

Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.

Collect Chia Pets.

Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.

Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whipped cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.

Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.

If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.

Leave apple cores on his/her bed.

Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.

Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate turns around. Drink it.

Don't ever flush.

Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.

Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."

Lick him/her while they are asleep.

Dress in drag.

Kill a man. Keep him under your bed. Pretend he doesn't smell.

Masturbate regularly a lot and without shame. Tell your roommate you feel it should be more socially acceptable and you are doing your part.

Try not washing. For a semester.

Spend a lot of time high.

Use their spray deodorant for hair spray. Do this for weeks, commenting on how nice smelling it smells. 

Buy a cat. Call it "clock" and whenever you see it, ask it the time, and thank it politely.

Become a Jehovah's Witness.

Buy Pro-Nuclear propaganda, and stick it to the wall with poo.

Do a handstand on his bed, and shout obscenities at arbitrary Australians.

Complain about what the war is doing to the price of eggs.

Strap a McChicken sandwich to your wrist, and when your roommate asks you the time, say "I don't know, this is a McChicken sandwich".

Make voodoo models of him out of play-doh, then eat them.

Breathe fire.

Vandalize the elevator when you're both in it and between floors.

Play sound effects records REALLY LOUD on his stereo. Dance like Pee-Wee Herman.

Choreograph cucumbers. Tell him that if they get any good, you'll put them on Public Access TV and mention his name.

Invent a language that consists entirely of different intonations of his name. Insist on speaking it in his presence, and write him notes in it.

Go to the local sewage works, and invite everyone over for a drink. Walk in saying, "Hey! These guys are great, we just HAVE to spend some time with them".

Secretly learn to forge his signature, then, when you get it just right, scrawl it all over his wall.

Watch documentaries while guffawing loudly. Tape them and do it again later.

Grow a beak.

Tidy the whole place up over the weekend, and then tip everything you own onto the floor on Monday. Repeat.

Swear an oath that you will never eat anything that hasn't been through the food blender AND the microwave. Offer to cook every night.

Come home early one day and smear your face in blood. Crouch naked on his bed until he comes home, then jump out the window and climb down the drainpipe shouting "WOOF! WOOF! THE POPE'S A POOF!"

Sell crack to his little brother/sister/dog.

Run for office. On Mars.

Eat his record collection one night, then burp in his face.

Freeze dry all his clothes.

Give him a laughing gas enema in his sleep.

Pretend to be a metal detector, and go "BEEEP BEEEP" when cars go past.

Sleep in a coffin and eat virgins.

Nail a hamster to a plank in the middle of the room. Say you're trying to see if it's the new messiah.

Buy an exotic spider and put it in a plant pot. Go away for a few weeks and ask your roommate to water it every day.

Change your name to "4*atn(1)" and say to him "But you can call me pi."

Invite him to join the army with you.

Set yourself up as a modem carrier supply service. When your roommate picks up the phone, grab it off him and shout "EEEEEEEEEEEEEE" down it.

Smother him in baked beans, and tell him it's for charity.

Talk to people who aren't there. Then invite them over and don't talk to them.

Shout "NYAAAAAAAAAAH!" every time he opens his mouth.

Send him a letter. Put a return address on the back.

Set all the clocks in the room to Mongolian Standard Time.

Tell him he has cancer. Ask what type of funeral he'd like.

Buy a power drill and drill holes in EVERYTHING. Buy him some filler for his birthday.

Sway from side to side whenever he enters the room. Ask him if he has any seasickness pills.

Write a poem in mirror writing on the sole of your shoe. Then wear it and jump on his favourite T-shirt.

Lie under his bed with a tea-cosy on your head saying "croak, croak".

Scratch out brand names on everything in the fridge, and just write on them what type of product they are (i.e Dos Equis becomes "beer", "Budweiser" becomes "bottled urine"). Next day, write "Fridge" on the fridge door. Label everything by the end of the week.

Eat all his toothpaste and burp mintily while denying all knowledge.

Tell him the same joke every day.

Take a shower every time he says "dog".

Wear noting but a Groucho Marx mask and complain he never takes you seriously. Or out to dinner any more.

Stick pecils in your ears and hold conversations with him saying only "Speak up, for God's sake," and "What pencils?".

Open his mail, read it all out loud and then say "Oh, this must be for you".

Get T-shirts printed with "I hate {his name}" on them. Wear them all week. Offer him one.

Change all the lights in the room for strobe lamps. Then moonwalk backwards really slowly all the time.