While ice-fishing on his Antarctic vacation, Captain Panic found himself surrounded by a spear-wielding clan of wild, rabid penguins. After promptly wetting his pants and following a ten minute session of begging pathetically for his life, he finally regained enough of his composure to tie his shoes. Then he tried to reason with them. "Hey guys, seriously," he sputtered, "I was just fishin here man. I don't want any trouble, I'll even give you the fish I caught." He couldn't tell if they were listening. They showed no reaction, and he also had no idea where the hell a penguin's ears are located. The general head area was his best guess, but for all he really knew they could be on the bottom of their feet. Since all these particular penguins were standing, the bottom-foot location would be the most counter-productive for him in this situation. "This is quite a pickle I'm in," he pondered to himself. "These are some troublesome penguins," he supposed to himself. "They must be grumpy," he theorized to himself. "My underwear is starting to freeze," he blurted out loud. Then, as he stood there, his shoelaces came untied again. To his relief, all the penguins started to laugh in their little penguin chirpy laugh kind of way. Then a smile spread across his face as he realized that they weren't carrying spears at all, but bottle openers. Then his smile widened as he realized that they weren't rabid at all, but they had beer foam on their beaks. Then his smile didn't widen any more because it was as wide as it could be as he realized they were going to share. Then his smile narrowed as he realized his face was tired. By the end of the second keg, the Captain had forgotten all his troubles, made out with three of the females and danced his way to the top of an iceberg. "I'm the king of the world!" he declared from his frozen throne, attracting the attention of a nearby frozen Neanderthal. "Ugh," said the Neanderthal, but his voice was so muffled by the ice encasing him that no one heard him. He tightened his grip on his club that was trapped with him, and smiled to himself. He knew who was going to come out on top once global warming freed him. Then he had a nap. By the time Captain Panic got back to his home a week later, Stealth Monkey had taken care of all the laundry and finally gotten all the old newspapers out of the garage. END

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