Oswald was in a coma. His wife, Meredith, was also in a coma, although hers was from a completely separate incident involving a shrimp boat and a defective sneaker. Oswald's coma was brought on by a standard dental flossing procedure. His brother who, incidentally, shared the name Oswald with him, slept with their sister, who as it turns out, was really their cousin eight times removed and unrelated by blood. The shock of learning all this information brought Oswald number two and their cousin/sister Esmerelda into a coma, where she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. The girl was born comatose however, and was not related to either parent. As Captain Panic watched all this unfold on his favourite soap, The Dung and the Guest List, the phone rang. Throwing aside his Grandma's quilt, he got up to answer it. "Panic residence." "Eee." "SM! What's goin on?" "Eee, eee." "Are you serious? Chops McBurns again?" "Eee." "Let me floss and I'll come pick you up." He flossed as carefully as possible in order to avoid slipping into a coma, then hopped into the car to pick up Stealth Monkey. Normally they lived together, but Stealth Monkey had spent the last week at his cousin's place, consoling him since his wife left him. She'd disagreed with his grooming habits and stopped eating the bugs off his back. He disagreed with her eating habits, and felt that she was losing needed protein without the bugs. It went downhill from there, and resolving this would be an uphill battle. Captain Panic and Stealth Monkey arrived at the school right as Chops McBurns was dealing out an ounce of poor quality marijuana at an inflated price to an innocent, unknowing six year-old. "That's horrible," quaked the Captain as he tightened his grip on the steering wheel, "you should get out and do something." "Eee." Stealth Monkey went out and tied Chops' shoelaces together, while the Captain's steering wheel grip tightened until his knuckles were off-white. He couldn't tell though because of his super-hero gloves. Stealth Monkey was back in the car four and a half seconds later, without having been detected by either Chops, the first grader, or even the lunch supervisor lady with the mustache. Stealth Monkey dusted off his hands and looked up at the Captain. "Eee," he stated simply. Captain Panic breathed a sigh of relief. "Yeah, pizza sounds like a good idea." END

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