Birds chirped just outside the window as the sun shimmered through the thin flowered curtains. The alarm clock hit 6 am, turning on the radio and drawing a groan from the masked figure twisted up in the bedsheets. Pulling his thumb from his mouth, he reached over to slam the snooze button. From out of the closet's pet door crawled a caped monkey, but had you been in the room at the time, you probably would never have noticed. The monkey yawned, stretched and rubbed his eyes. Seeing that the masked man was still sleeping, he picked up a nearby chair and whipped it at the man's head, leaving the room before the chair even made contact. Stealth Monkey was just finishing up his Banana-O's cereal and sipping thoughtfully at his banana juice by the time Captain Panic sludged into the kitchen, scratching his balls. Without having yet opened his eyes, he switched on the radio. "...earlier this morning. Police are still baffled as to who stole the bike, although Arson has not been ruled out." Suddenly the Captain's eyes bugged right out. "Arson!" he coughed, "Arson's at it again. That bastard, he always starts so early in the morning too." Stealth Monkey appeared not to hear, being immeasurably immersed in immediate thoughts of immortality. "C'mon, SM, we gotta get on this one," he announced while stuffing pop-tarts into his pockets, "no time for the rest of your breakfast." Stealth Monkey uttered a grudgingly unenthusiastic "Eee" before sliding his chair back and following Captain Panic out to the car. Fifteen minutes later they pulled up in front of a quaint little house in a quiet neighbourhood on Criminal Drive. Captain Panic parked in the driveway so that if Arson was home, and his car was in the garage, and he tried to make a getaway, he wouldn't be able to do so without running over his prize petunia garden and ruining his immaculate lawn. By the time Arson got to the door, it was quite apparent to the Captain that Arson had been out drinking the night before, and had been sleeping until thirty seconds ago. He didn't look happy, but Captain Panic and Stealth Monkey were rarely in this criminal's presence while he was in a good mood. The only recent exception, of course, was at Arson's last thanksgiving dinner when Stealth Monkey showed up with this delightful banana-stuffed turkey that was a huge hit with all of his guests. "C'mon, man, I didn't steal no bike," he croaked. He was clearly not his usual self. His usual self was usually running from police. The Captain looked him up and down and sighed. "Somehow, I believe you." There was a tug at his sleeve. "Oh, and can Stealth Monkey use your bathroom?" "Of course," he smiled, "but is it number one or number two? I'm out of toilet paper." Twenty-five minutes and seven pages torn from the phone book later, Captain Panic and Stealth Monkey were on their way back home. "Ya know, SM, this case has me bamboozled," said the Captain as he pulled up to a red light on Easy Target Street. "Eee," muttered the monkey in discouraged agreement. "It's times like this when I think about retiring, just hanging up the Spandex and getting a job somewhere like, uh, like..." his eyes darted all around, finally landing on the Gas Up, Suckers service station on the corner. "There!" he exclaimed, "That's the job for me! Looks a little scary though." Stealth Monkey gazed around in awe as they pulled into the immense station. The gas cost a fortune, the store sold all kinds of stuff, it even had a bakery. The air-pump cost a quarter to run, parking was fifty cents, and for a dollar you could take an underground passage from your car to the store so you wouldn't have to smell the gas fumes. A quarter could also get you a clean windshield, a smile, or even four nickels. This place was designed for the sole purpose of taking peoples' money. After talking to the manager, however, the Captain came back to the car crying. "Eee?" asked Stealth Monkey concernedly. "I didn't get the job," he sniffed, "he said I wasn't qualif... Oh my God!" he screamed while ducking down in front of the driver's seat. "Eee?" "The bike," he whispered while shuddering, "there's a kid buying a bag of ice, and he's got the stolen bike." Stealth Monkey was already out of the car and out deflating the bike's tires by the time Panic said "ice", and before the Captain was even done sobbing, Stealth Monkey was getting back into the car with a spongecake he'd picked up at the bakery just for Arson. "Very thoughtful," noted Captain Panic quietly to himself. "Very thoughtful," noted Captain Panic out loud after deciding that it would be okay to do so. "Sometimes I'm too cautious," noted Captain Panic quietly to himself. "Sometimes I'm too cautious," noted Captain Panic out loud after deciding that it would be okay to do so. "I'm still cool though," he blurted out in a moment of brazen recklessness. "Eee." END

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