The Ministry of Agriculture

Agriculture.  Right.  That’d be cultivating land.  Farms.  Crops.  Cattle.  Crop rotation systems.  Fallow fields.  Interesting stuff.  Well, BOLLOCKS to that!  I’m going to cultivate my land for wild animals.  The kind that would’ve killed Old McDonald before he’d had chance to run them over with his tractor and turn them into burgers.  Coz, let’s face it, there ain’t much you can say about cows and sheep.  This is “Where The Wild Things Are” Salamandertron-style.

- The Most Rev. Dr Jenna.

Isn’t TV a wonderful thing?!  It brings us so close to nature we could almost lick it.  Once upon a time the BBC was king of the wildlife documentary, spewing out series after series of ‘Wildlife on 1’ (or 2, whatever).  But now it’s all gone lame and we have to turn to the other three terrestrial channels for our fill of savage beasts.  And for some freak reason all their wildlife presenters obsess over snakes.  Well, who wouldn’t?

Now Steve here is responsible for this style of program which all the channels have adapted – a snake-lover runs around some place looking for a specific animal.  He’s poked and prodded some of the worlds deadliest snakes, sharks and reptiles in his various shows and entertained us with such insightful comments as, “Ooh, he’s a moody little fellow,” and “You should see the one I’ve got in my shed back home.”  He warns us of the dangers of venomous snakes, saying “There is anti-venom but it’d be no good, you’d be dead in 10 seconds flat.” and “The problem with being bitten on the face is you can't get a pressure bandage on it!"  Watch in amazement as Steve gets bitten or chased up a tree (as happens in every program), bewilderment as he ties a croc to a tree and shines lights in its face to teach it not to go near humans and utter amazement as he wears the same pair of shorts for yet ANOTHER show, even when swimming with sharks!

There’s something comical about Mark O’Shea’s long ginger hair and beard combo, but this is soon forgotten as the program gets underway.  Unlike Steve Irwin, Mark has actually had training in this field and, I’m led to believe, he works in an English zoo.  Despite this, his programs gain their moments of comedy from the total ineptitude of everyone involved, whereas Steve’s gain theirs from his stupidity.  How often do you see the expert get so excited at the sight of an animal that he falls out of the boat and bangs his head on the bottom of the river?  Mark O’Shea’s done it twice!  On two separate occasions.  After giving a long lecture on the dangers of not handling snakes carefully, even when bagged because they can bite you through the bag, guess what happened…no not Mark, his professional snake-handler friend gets bitten through the bag by one of the snake’s Mark’s just captured.  Doh!  Later that same program, Mark also gets rushed to hospital critically ill after being bitten by a stiletto snake because he failed to recognise it as a side-biter.  He survives and checks himself out of hospital early to continue with the search.  Ineptitude reigns supreme!

You can’t really fault Nick.  He lacks the mad-as-cheese touch his two counterparts bring to their shows in abundance.  Perhaps the programs suffer for this, but not much.  There’s still the mishaps – he gets crushed by the anaconda he’s meant to be carrying and has to be freed by his guides and he got attacked by shit-loads of insects (acts?!) which had to be scraped off him with the sound broom.  But you know he’s a little more professional than the others when he says to camera (in his kids TV voice, which he really should learn to use only on ‘The Really Wild Show’) that he’s handling a snake very carefully because he knows it’s venomous but not how much.  Now why did Mark O’Shea never think of that…? ‘Nick’s Quest’ is obviously the cheapest of all the programs – no fancy camera work, or effects.  Instead all we ever see is Nick looking for animals, Nick catching animals and close up of Nick’s face when he talks about animals.  Although, if the program gets a bit dull, they do tend to stick in bits if Nick wearing only a towel / shorts.  Thank Salamandertron it’s him, not either of the other two!  The strange thing is Nick teaches you stuff about snakes and not just safety procedures, it’s a shock to the system.

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