Saiyuki
does not belong to the author of this fic.
Through
the Looking Glass by Mitsima
Part 5 - Bitter Sweet
A pointless sunset, Hakkai thought as
he paused in his shelving in order to gaze outside Tenpou’s
library window. But beautiful nonetheless. As beautiful as a porcelain
doll. Again, a meaningless image without even a shadow of a soul.
Yes, but beautiful still...eternally so.
Shafts of wine-red light streamed into the study,
warming the ever aging yet never rotting wood. It shined on rich mahogany,
making it glow like dying embers in the red twilight. His body liked
it. Felt at home, though the mind did not- despite the pang of bittersweet
amusement that played upon his memory.
//We always wanted a library. Just like this one.
Sort of. Less war literature for the sake of the kids. It wasn’t
really something for them to think about. To keep in the back of their
minds, yes. A constant preoccupation, no. //
Flipping through pages, opening books where bookmarks
were left, organizing papers. A cup of wine on his desk. Very good.
Very sweet. The ashtray put aside never to be used. //As long as I’m
here//. Pulling out and skimming texts, re-rolling undone scrolls.
A life he was supposed to have lived as Cho Gonou. Teacher. He figured,
also, that as long as he kept himself shut in Tenpou’s study,
he could keep fantasizing about it. Keep some veil of normalcy over
his two good eyes. This was safe.
Then a voice drifted through the shutters and he peeked
out. Was that-across the courtyard-but it couldn’t be-oh yes
it could...
“Konzen! Konzen! Look! I went to the field today
and got you flowers. Bright gold, like your hair, ne?” Goku
was jumping, chains around his neck and wrists clanking about as the
unmistakable diadem gleamed in the sunset. “Are we gonna visit
Ten-chan?”
“Not now.” A deep voice. Controlled and
firm. The mark of someone not even attempting to hide obvious boredom.
“Go play with Kenren or something and let. me. work.”
A flicker of light caught Konzen’s eye. He turned his head:
Tenpou’s library. //The idiot’s locked himself in again//.
In said room, Hakkai leaned against the wall tiredly
and sunk down, grabbing the nearest book, one he had forgotten to
shelf for lack of any fitting space. Again, went to the bookmark:
“Man’s main task in life is to give birth
to himself.” Worthless book. Stupid human.
He laughed mirthlessly, shook his head, and in a justified
act of frustration, Hakkai slammed the covers shut and violently sent
hefty volume careening to the other side of the otherwise uncluttered
library.
//His library//; which a few hours ago looked as if
a bomb had dropped inside. Clean now, save for one book out of place.
If time had any relevance here, he would have estimated
being here for a good eleven hours, give or take a few. Hakkai closed
his eyes, basking in the security of darkness which had never failed
him ever since that day. Oblivion was a good thing. Yes, a very good
thing. Then...the creaking of the door.
“Oi, Tenpouuu!”
Oh god.
Footsteps.
Hakkai furrowed his eyebrows in annoyance and sunk
deeper into his bookshelf enclave as if privation of words, privation
of breath, privation of thought and privation of sight would make
him disappear. Privation of person. If only.
***
Tenpou didn’t answer the door. Not like he ever did, so Kenren
just waltzed right on it and nearly died of a heart attack. The place
was clean. Impeccably clean. Not a single book out of place...save
for one. Not one paper out of file. Not a speck of dust. Maybe he
took a wrong turn, he thought. This was not Tenpou’s room.
But sure enough, he found the marshal in his usual
spot- in the nook between the war history of this century and the
war history of that. Right on the border separating two different
eras, but to Kenren it was all the same. War was war after all.
Hmmm...sleeping. Tenpou’s brown hair was slightly
disheveled, falling across his eyes and face. “Ten-chan.”
he said a bit more endearingly, saw the flinch at the corner of his
eyes.
Gotcha.
Without further adieu, he was by the other man’s
side. Whispering in his ear, Kenren said, “You, Tenpou Gensui,
are the worst liar I’ve ever met.” So with that, took
hold the marshal’s chin and leaned forward to claim the waiting
mouth...
But soon found himself in a gentle liplock with “Brave
New World” by an author he didn’t bother to know. Nor
did he care, especially now.
“And you, Kenren Taishou, are the most persistent
hound I’ve ever met.” retorted Hakkai as he hid his face
behind the book, only daring to reveal his twin emerald eyes. “Don’t
you ever tire of this?”
The raven-haired man backed off and sat cross-legged
in front of him. He scratched the back of his head, his smile never
faltering. “Not if you keep playing hard to get like that.”
“I am not playing hard to get.” The book
was tentatively lowered, but remained poised in the event of another
attack. “I’m playing ‘not going to get,’ Gojyo,
so if you would just-”
“Gojyo?” The general quirked his head
to the side.
Hakkai bit his lip and quickly amended, despite the
futility of it all. “Kenren.”
“You said ‘Gojyo’.”
“I said ‘Kenren’.”
“You *meant* ‘Kenren’ but it sure
as *hell* didn’t come out that way.”
The healer had just to say it, regardless of all compulsion
not to...
“Jealous?” He tilted his head to the side
inquiringly as Kenren squirmed under his gaze until finally, he gathered
up his wits to spit out a flat-
“No.”
...just for the sake of seeing how much the general
was in love with Tenpou.
The temptation to just let things be was overwhelming.
This was (theoretically speaking) Tenpou’s problem, not Hakkai’s.
But Hakkai was right here, right now, being stared down by the previous
incarnation of the man he was in love with.
There. He admitted it to himself. He had grown attached
to the half-breed- a habit from three years past turned into a hunger
gnawing at him whenever they were alone together. Hakkai felt the
same hunger now, but his mind kept him from it. The body screamed
for it. And the heart...which was not Hakkai’s heart, but Tenpou’s...seemed
to ache ever so slightly from god-knows-how-many-centuries of cold
imprisonment by a mind constantly in denial. Who to satisfy? Hakkai
didn’t know, and all he could do was stare as Kenren broke out
a pack of cigarettes and lit one up. He offered one to Hakkai.
“No, thank you.”
Kenren shrugged and pocketed them, taking a long drag
and blowing smoke idly into the air. “Must be a pretty good
bastard to have you pick up good habits all of a sudden.”
“Mmh.”
“Not that it’s my business, ‘cause
we ain’t like that anyway, but...” he waved the cigarette
for emphasis, yet refused to look back at the other’s eyes.
Something in it bothered him. Ever since this morning it bothered
him, as if Tenpou had finally and completely withdrawn within himself.
Either that, or he had resorted to //someone else//. “You care
to tell me who this guy is?”
Far be it from Kenren Taishou to be subtle. And far
be it from Cho Hakkai to be open.
“No. I don’t.” he responded tersely.
“Do I know him?” God, now we’re
playing 20 questions, Kenren thought irritably, like...
//A husband accusing his wife of infidelity...//
“In a sense.”
“You sleep with him?” Smoke was blown
in the direction of the bedroom.
“No.” And with that one syllable word
came a nearly inaudible sigh of disappointment. Kenren caught it,
and his first impulse was to just grab Tenpou by the shoulders, shake
him and shout out, ‘what’s wrong with you?’ But
if Tenpou was Tenpou, and undoubtedly he was, then the marshal would
simply reply that the one askew in his thinking was Kenren. After
all...
(flashback)
****// “Bedroom. Now.”
“I’ve never gone about this with a man,
Taishou. Are you sure?”
“Hell yeah and you had better stuff that book
away or else I’ll take you now...on the other hand, maybe that
wouldn’t be so bad...”
“Kenren, wait I- mmph...Why must...must...oh
god...why must you be so...insistent?”
“I. Want. You. Now. Care to have me elaborate,
or shall we continue, eh?
“Continue.”
All either of them remembered was that at that point,
they were basically ravaging each other, but clear at the start...Tenpou’s
condition...was that there were no promises between them. //*****
But still... If only...Those were the only reasons
he had. The words ‘I want you to be mine and only mine’
wouldn’t have sufficed for the marshal. Never.
“Then what?”
“Then what *what*?” There was no hiding
the growing annoyance, especially when Hakkai was clutching “Brave
New World” with a grip strong enough to strangle a statue.
“Is he important?” He braced himself for
an answer. Tenpou didn’t think in terms of affection- more along
the lines of lust if anything. So ‘importance’ was the
determining factor of whether you were under the marshal’s wing
or not. A utilitarian to the core. You had to be advantageous to him
or you were gone. Konzen, due to some unfathomable childhood bonding,
had gained a permanent spot. One wing, under which Goku could find
shelter as well. Which left one other- and it was the more capricious.
If you were there, it was only because you didn’t
give a damn about what he did with you (as long as you were on top,
of course). You were blind. But you were pampered- as long as you
didn’t pry into his business. You were safe from the dogs biting
at your heels because Tenpou’s authority was enough to put them
at bay a good three miles behind you. Most of all, you had to be ready
to be thrown back to the dogs at any given moment. You shouldn’t
care- either about the dogs or the loss you would suffer from Tenpou’s
refusal to commit.
Kenren didn’t give a damn about the dogs and
so when Tenpou said, “Yes, Kenren, he is.” he felt like
a door had just been slammed in his face: a betrayal he should have
expected one time or another, but enough endless nights with Tenpou
had the general convinced that it would never happen. The bastard.
“Ah...then you use him like you do me? Or maybe
he’s even more useful...” his voice dripped with poison
as Hakkai could only look on with dismay, if not with a bit of pity.
//You should have said ‘I love you’ earlier.
Such things fall on deaf ears. He’s not here, Kenren. I am.//
Though not lost to the healer was the damage he had irrevocably done.//
I only mentioned his name. One name//. Then came the endless questions-
each one cutting into the other bit by bit because after that there
was no choice but to be honest. To be otherwise would be a betrayal
towards Gojyo, and he had already promised three years ago that such
a thing was unthinkable, even when the half-youkai wasn’t present.
The situation would have been infinitely easier to
handle had Hakkai known Tenpou’s character. Cold. Steel. And
so he had not realized the weight of his words when he answered the
general’s question.
“I don’t use him.” Simple truth.
Hakkai believed it to be an innocent confession, or rather, a statement
of the obvious. The safest answer he could return because saying ‘yes’
seemed too malicious and surely, Tenpou Gensui wasn’t like that.
Right?
Simple enough, but that four letter phrase was sufficient
enough to replace an even simpler three letter verdict. It came like
a slap in the face, leaving Kenren more pissed than heartbroken. Never
in his life had he felt so humiliated, and thank god no one saw this
interaction. Made him feel like a petty whore in the court, subject
to the interested eye of a man in power. And Tenpou Gensui was a man
with power. A lot of it. Who was on top now?
But he never would have thought...
“You know what?” said Kenren as apathetically
as he could manage. “I think I’ve outworn my welcome with
you.”
“Kenren-”
“I don’t care, really. No promises. I
remember.”
“Kenren.”
Then he produced from his pocket a rumpled square
of paper- small enough so to be fit into the message vial of a carrier
bird-and tossed it at Hakkai’s feet. It read:
//They’re ready for Kenren Taishou and his men
at the mountain path. Surveillance round. Thirty including the general.
Orders understood. They won’t return. //
Hakkai scrutinized it. “I don’t remember...”
Well of course he didn’t. “General, what is this?”
His answer came in the form of a punch to the jaw and he stumbled
back. Before he knew it, Kenren was on top of him, seizing the collar
of his shirt.
“Cut the crap.” he snarled fiercely, as
his eyes lit up with pent up resentment. “You fucking know what
I’m talking about. I’ve played the willful ignorant. Believed
you and blamed Litouten all the way. Why the hell I did, I don’t
know. I just *did*. So shoot me for being so fucking stupid. Found
this on your desk this morning.”
Suddenly taken with the realization that he was shouting,
Kenren lowered his voice to a mere whisper and lowered his head to
Hakkai’s ear as one hand cupped the side of his face as if he
were acting like a lover which, god forbid, he wasn’t. Hakkai
was almost trembling with shock and the fear that he was going to
face some terrible fate in the library of his dreams. His mind conjured
up the worst and for once, Tenpou’s body agreed. Then the ever-present
question: What did Tenpou do? And the ever-present non-consoling thought:
I don’t deserve this. Nevertheless, he allowed Kenren to continue
torturing him. Hakkai could take it- with his confused detachment-
he could take it.
“I should have seen it before. You took my men
away from me. I know that much, and I won’t let you take away
anything else. I won’t beg for something you won’t give,
now that I know that you gave to someone else...”
It still didn’t explain anything to the healer,
only reaffirmed the fact that he had jeopardized Tenpou’s fine
threads of secrets. The web was collapsing.
The hand at his cheek stayed surprisingly gentle.
Hakkai had expected it to come flying down and pound him into the
floor, but it didn’t. It cradled his face, though in its stiffness
he could sense Kenren’s reluctance. “Kenren I-”
he spoke for Tenpou, not for himself. “There’s no one
else.” but when he had uttered those last words, he realized
how empty they sounded. Something not even Goku would believe. Kenren
must have thought it a blatant lie.
“I don’t care, *marshal*.” the man’s
voice had grown dispassionate though their faces were only mere centimeters
apart. Hakkai flinched at the scorn imbued with the mention of Tenpou’s
title.
Then lips descended on his own in a soft kiss like
the one from this morning. Softer even. But bitter. “I’ll
request that Goujin reassign me in the morning. I’ll be out
of your hair from now on.” Kenren’s mouth hovered over
his own, their breaths mingling as he received one bitter kiss after
another.
“But Tenpou...mess with me or my soldiers again
and I’ll make you know what hell feels like.”
Cho Gonou smiled cruelly up at him, piqued by the
mention of absolute misery. “I already do.”
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, breaking
both of them from their spell of hatred. For an eternity, neither
moved. They stared at each other in disbelief- at the words they had
exchanged, the threats...
Kenren pushed himself off the floor and quickly snatched
up the cigarette he had dropped before it burned the entire place
down. Not that he cared, of course. Hakkai took advantage of the disruption
and tried not to race to the door. Upon opening it, he was met by
an impassive face. //God, doesn’t anybody smile in heaven?//
“I was sent by Goujin to convey a message.”
It took Hakkai’s muddled brain a good minute
to register the sight before him. Heaven knows he’d seen this
man enough.
“Marshal?” Shien prompted as he scrutinized
Tenpou’s astounded expression.
“Ah, yes.” Hakkai apologized sheepishly.
“Forgive me, Shien. What is it that were you sent to tell me?”
“Kenren Taishou’s missing troops have
returned. They were caught in a storm and had lost their way on earth.
With all the turbulence, they say, access to the gate back to heaven
was near impossible. They had to wait it out.” the man reported
verbatim from the written paper in his hand which he then gave to
Hakkai.
“I see. Thank you.”
“They will be marching through the streets as
soon as they enter the holy city.”
At the mention of his troop, Kenren jumped and made
his way to the door. “See, Marshal?” he said, brushing
roughly against Hakkai’s shoulder as he walked out. “This
bastard general can sure train his soldiers, even when he had to keep
you in check too.”
The meaning wasn’t lost to Hakkai, nor to the
other man who stood by him. They watched as Kenren stalked away, but
before he was out of earshot, he heard, “A man’s power
is only as good as the freedom given to him by his superior.”
But it wasn’t Hakkai speaking.
The general balked and turned around quickly enough
to glare daggers in Shien’s direction before shrugging and rounding
the corner.
“Oh my, now you’ve made him angrier.”
Hakkai commented as he held the door frame in order to regain his
composure.
“No reason to pamper unjustified pride. I stand
by that, marshal...Are you ill?”
“No. Just...”
“Angry.”
“Perhaps.”
“Too angry to see the parade?” Shien inquired,
his voice level.
“No.”
“Then let me accompany you.”
“Please.”
- TBC -
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