Happiness
Is Measured Out In Miles
CHAPTER THIRTY SEVEN
Paul drove me home in his Auston Martin
(I decided to leave my Ferrari there, I wasn't in the mood to drive, too upset)
but once outside the exterior gates of Kenwood he stopped:
- "Luv, I'm not in the mood to talk
to John now. I don't know if he'll be home or what, but just in case, you'd
better go on your own...", I looked at him. He was afraid of John and I
knew it. I wasn't. I had known John for more than two years now and I knew that
his aggressive surface was only a mask. Inside, he was like a little kitten.
Anyway, I didn't lean to kiss Paul. I just nodded and opened the car's door.
With my special keys I opened the gates and walked all the way to the house.
The lights were on so John was home. I opened the front door and started
calling him:
- "John? John! Hello!", nobody
answered me but as I was approaching the living room, I heard some voices and I
figured that, as so often, the TV was on. But I could have never imagined what
I would find in the living room. When I walked in, I saw John sitting on the
sofa, facing the TV but with his head between his hands. He was shaking his
shoulders. My heart stopped. Now I was in love with Paul, but I still felt
quite strong about John. John had been (and will always be) the love of my
life. I walked towards him and stopped next to him. I touched his shoulder.
"John...", he lifted up his head to look at me and I saw his red eyes
were shading tears. "John!", I said alarmed. "What's
wrong?", he sniffed and sobbered up. He didn't answer me, e just got up
and walked away towards the big windows that faced the swimming pool. I stood
still without moving. Well, he knew and according to Eli, he had known for a
long time. I reckoned he had known since the previous summer. The song 'No
reply' said it all. When I least expected it, he turned to me. He had cried
again:
- "I'm sorry...", he muttered. I
couldn't believe it! He was apologising to me. hell. he didn't have anything to
apologise to me for. It was me who had hurt him so, who had fallen in love with
his best friend and who had broken his heart. I could only stutter:
- "W... Why?", he came to me and
held me by the waist.
- "Hell! Maybe it was my fault. I
didn't treat you the way you deserved and...", he was having a hard time
finding the right words to say. "Fucking hell! I'm a bloody bastard,
Vicky. I bloody AM!", I didn't say a word. I was just waiting for what he
had to tell me. He looked at me very very deeply into my eyes. "Vicky...
I've slept woth other women", he stopped as if he wanted his words to sink
in well deep into my head. I felt somehow relieved. I knew he didn't know I
knew he had slept with Eli. I forced a weak smile.
- "I know, John. I know
everything", his eyes grew wider as though he couldn't believe it.
"The song 'Norwegian Wood' is about it. I know you've been sleeping with
Eli..."
- "Oh, fuck! Forget about Eli! It's
not only her!", that his me really hard in my heart. My naivety was bigger
than I first thought. he went on, stabbing me depper and deeper with every
word. "I've slept with thousands of other women. Not only groupies, I've
fucked hundreds of fans and groupies while we were touring, but I've also
fucked women you know. Tessa", that was what hurt me most, "pattie
Boyd, I even tried to sleep with Edu but hell, she refused...", he
stopped. I didn't realise I was crying until I felt a drop of water wet my
lips.
- "Why, John? I loved you...", I
said with great difficulty, though, becasue I had a great lump in my thorat
that made my speech very difficult.
- "And I loved you too and I love you
still and I always will, Vicky. I'm so sorry, I'm awafully sorry, my love, but
I felt so insecure by your side. I never felt sure that you were in love with
me. You can have any man on Earth, Vicky... Wht the hell would you want to be
with me?", I was sobbing loudly by then.
- "I told you thousands of times I
loved you, John. and I meant it. why didn't you believe me?"
- "HELL!! What other proof do you
want that you don't love me? You're with bloody Paul!!", his words floated
in the air. He got me there. And why did I feel guilty? After all, he had just
confessed he had slept with many other women, including the stupid Tessa, and
that occurred long before Paul and I even talked to each other. And now I
understood wht Tessa left so quickly when we wento to America. She had what she
wanted. She had slept with John, there was nothing else to do. And Pattie Boyd,
the gorgeous model who dated George for a while before Edu returned from Spain.
And God! He even tried to sleep with edu! I couldn't stand it any more. Crying
loudly I went running up the stairs towards one of the guests rooms. After all
the confessions, I couldn't keep on sleeping with John. I noticed John had come
after me. I tried to close the door before John could enter, but he was
quicker. He stepped in:
- "I've bloody fucked it up, haven't
I?", he told me. "It's my fault that you're with paul. I don't give a
shit for any of the other women I've slept with. I love you. It's you I'm in
love with, Vicky. Only you, bloody hell...", John was losing the battle
against himself. He started to cry too. And I was crying. What a scene!
Suddenly, the phone started ringing. We both seemed to sober up in a second. It
was quite late at night, who could that be? We were alone at home, Dot and her
husband had gone home. I went to answer it, sniffing a bit so as to whoever was
on the other line wouldn't notice I had been crying.
- "hello?", a ver drunk Brian
Jones answered.
- "hey, girlie! Where's that fucking
Lennon? he left the party in the middle! Hell, we have some naked babes
here...", he couldn't go on, so drunk he was. John was looking at me,
waiting. I put my hand on the phone.
- "Brian Jones".
- "Hell! Hang up. when he phones,
that means fucking problems", hung
up. I knew he probably hadn't realised. naked babes... Ha! That just to make
matters worse.
- "He told me something about naked
babes...", John's face hardened.
- "Luv, this time I didn't take part.
I was far too gone to think of anything else but you. My mind is set on you,
luv. Is there any way to work this out?", I looked at the floor. It was
too late. Now it was too late. John had slept with many women. They were
meaningless. I had just slept with one more man, but I had fallen in love with
him. I think my situation was worse. "Tell me, is there?", John still
had a little hope that maybe our relationship could go on... But I was sure it
couldn't. Paul and I had decided to tell John and Eli at the same time, but it
was now or never. It couldn't wait. I shook my head.
- "John...", I satrted. I didn't
know how I was to go on but I had to try. "Now that you've told me you've
slept with thousands of other women, everything will be easier. I would have
never told you if you had been faithful to me, but now I know that what I'm
going to tell you shouldn't do you any harm. After all, you've cheated on me
during all our realtionship", John interrupetd me.
- "But my love... Vicky! They didn't
mean a bloody shit to me!! And you know that!", I was shaking my head
avoiding to look at John.
- "Listen, John", then I decided
to blurt everything out. "Paul and I are in love", silence. How long
we satyed in silence I'll never know. I thought it had been hours until John
finally spoke.
- "Fucking christ! Vicky, why him?
WHY HIM?! Why me best friend?"
- "That's not the point, John. it
doesn't matter who. Would it be any different if I had fallen in love with that
mate of yours, Shotton?"
- "I would fucking ten thousands
times prefer!", there was no point in talking to John. When he became so
stubborn, there was nothing to do. But he went on: "and do you think Paul
is much moer differetn than me? Do you fucking think he's a saint?", he
let ut a weak laughter. "He's been shagging lots of girls on tour
too!!", John won. yeah, he won. If what he intended was to hurt me, he was
successful. My face showed all the pain. I didn't want to hear it from paul's
own lips. John was angry and jealous and a jealous guy was the worst thing. I
felt I wanted to cry again and John knew me wuite well. "Yeah, Vicky. paul
is not a saint", I wanted to talk to Paul but that was not the right time.
The first thing I would do in the morning would be go to paul's and talk to
him. And then another thought crossed my mind. I couldn't sleep under the same
roof as John. I went to the phone to phone Edu to see if I could spend the
night at Kinfanus with her and George. John came after me and grabbed my arm:
"Vicky, please", I couldn't believe that this guy who had the world
under his feet and could have (and in fact had had) any women on Earth was
begging me. I got rid of his hand. Now I was really angry. I thought I would be
the strong one, the one that would be giving the bad news, and John the one
that would feel in pain. But as it tunred out, I was in pain, John had hurt me
and it was me wgo didn't want to go on in the same room as him:
- "Don't touch me, you
bastard!", John got quite surpirsed. And I uderstood hs surpirsed look.
After all, I was the one who was to leave him for Paul. Had it been the other
way 'round, my reaction would have been more logical, but as it was, he
couldn't understand. he got rid of my arm and looked at me as though waiting
for an explanation for what I just had called him: What? Do you think you just
can tell me you've been cheating on me during all our realtionship and then
want me to go back to your amrs??!!", he understood. His eyes were in
pain.
- "I told you I'm sorry. I felt so
insecure and I knew or thought I knew you were sleeping with paul. I almost saw
you once, but didn't want to believe it. I just put it in song, as I always
do", yeah, I knew the saong. It was 'No reply'.
- "But what about Tessa, John? That
was very long before paul and I even exchanged a couple of words", he
looked at the floor. He was speechless. It was just his nature, his flirtatous
nature. But that didn't matter any more. I liftd up the receiver and phoned
Edu. George took it:
- "Hello?"
- "George, it's Vicky. Is Edu
there?"
- "Vicky! Do you know what time it
is?", there was surprise in his voice. "Anything wrong?", I
looked at John but he just turned around and walked away.
- "No, just want to tell her I'm
going to spend the night there with you. That is, if it is alright with
you".
- "You know there's no problem, luv.
but...", he insisted a litle bit more. "is everything alright with
John?", I didn't know how much he knew or how much Edu had told him.
- "We've broken up", I finally
said the words I had been dreading to say.
- "WHAT??", george coldn't
believe it. I didn't think any of them would believe it. But what he said made
me realise edu had told him everything. "For Paul?", I just had to
laugh. Everything sounded so unreal.
- "Yes, George, for Paul".
- "Uau! Vicky! Too much for reasoning
at this time. OK! come home! I'll tell Edu you're coming", we hung up.
I went usptairs to the room where John
and I had spent so many good moments and knocked on the door, guessing John
would be there. Nobody answered so I opened the door. John was lying on the
bed, with his hands crossed behind his head. His face was expresionless,
though. He didn't say anything, and I didn't say anything either. I opened the
cupboard and took out a little hanbag. I threw it on the bed quite near John's
feet and I started opening all the drawers to look for the basic things I would
need on my night at Kinfanus. I put a couple of knickers, bras and went for
clothes. Then John spoke:
- "So you're leaving, huh?", I
looked at him. God! I still found him quite attractive. He was so sexy... But
when you're in love, you've got only eyes for the person you love. He sat on
the bed, cross-legged. "Fuck! Qhat have I done wrong, luv? WHAT IN FUCKING
HELL!", he hit the bedside table making the lamp fall down and break into
thousands of little pieces. I was too
tired to start with ther same things again. I looked at the broken bedside
table but continued packing. When I finished, i closed the bag and looked at
John:
- "Bye, John", and walked away,
leaving John behind.
The way to Kinfanus was short, but even
so I took John's Mini, another memory of John I would have to live with. When I
rang the exterior intercom, the exterior gates opened without anyone asking who
I was. And when I parked th car and stepped out of it, edu was at the door,
wrapped in a nightgown, with panic in her eyes.
- "Oh, Vicky! George told me. How's
John taken it?", I walked towards her.
- "Very bad, Edu, but dear, I love
Paul. What can I do? I just love him".
- "OK, OK! Come in! Want some
coffee?", I shook my head. it was very late and I was tired. Too many
things had happened during the day.
- "No, thanks, I think I'm going to
bed", she nodded. "We'll talk tomorrow, OK?", she smiled and so
I went to one of the guest rooms and prepared myself for a night of no sleep.