| Humor |
| "Yes," I answered you last night; "No," this morning, sir, I say. Colours seen by candle-light Will not look the same by day. ~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning "The Lady's Yes"
A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of. It certainly may secure all the myrtle and turkey part of it. ~ Jane Austen "Mansfield Park" An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. ~ Agatha Christie "Best Things Anybody Ever Said" An unalterable and unquestioned law of the musical world required that the German text of French operas sung by Swedish artists should be translated into Italian for the clearer understanding of English-speaking audiences. ~ Edith Wharton "The Age of Innocence" Behind every working woman is an enormous pile of unwashed laundry. ~ Barbara Dale "The Working Woman Book" Death and taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them. ~ Margaret Mitchell "Gone With the Wind" Do not worry about your problems with mathematics, I assure you mine are far greater. ~ Albert Einstein Flops are a part of life's menu, and I've never been a girl to miss out on any of the courses. ~ Rosalind Russell "New York Herald Tribune" Getting angry can sometimes be like leaping into a wonderfully responsive sports car, gunning the motor, taking off at high speed and then discovering the brakes are out of order. ~ Maggie Scarf Home is where you come to when you have nothing better to do. ~ Margaret Thatcher "Vanity Fair" Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? ~ Phyllis Diller Human nature is above all things--lazy. ~ Harriet Beecher Stove "Household Papers and Stories" I am as pure as the driven slush. ~ Tallulah Bankhead I doubt that the imagination can be suppressed. If you truly eradicated it in a child, he would grow up to be an eggplant. ~ Ursula K. Le Guin "Why are Americans Afraid of Dragons?" I think housework is the reason most women go to the office. ~ Heloise Cruse "Editor and Publisher" I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me. ~ Tallulah Bankhead Is sex dirty? Only when you don't take a bath. ~ Madonna It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. ~ Woody Allen I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. ~ Totie Fields "Joe Franklin's Encyclopedia of Comedians" I've been rich and I've been poor; Believe me, honey, rich is better. ~ Sophie Tucker "Some of These Days" Newspapers have roughly the same relationship to life as fortune-tellers to metaphysics. ~ Karl Kraus Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. ~ Albert Einstein The best way to get the better of temptation is just to yield to it. ~ Clementina Sterling Graham "Mystifications" The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books -- how not to eat what you've just learned to cook. ~ Andy Rooney The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. ~ Lucille Ball "Uncommon Scold" The two most beautiful words in the English language are "check enclosed." ~ Dorothy Parker "The Late Mrs. Dorothy Parker" Thin air? Why is it always thin air? Never fat air, chubby air, mostly-fit-could-stand-to-lost-a-few-pounds air? ~ J. Michael Strazcynski "Babylon 5 Garibaldi" We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack. ~ Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach "Aphorism" Well! Some people talk of morality, and some of religion, but give me a little snug property. ~ Maria Edgeworth "The Absentee" When I'm good, I'm very very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better. ~ Mae West "I'm no Angel" Always be smarter than the people who hire you. ~ Lena Horne "interview" Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. ~ Franklin P. Jones Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes. ~ Frieda Norris Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! ~ Anne Tyler Every word she writes is a lie, including "and" and "the". ~ Mary McCarthy "New York Times" Four hours sleep a night plus the invention of algebra might well change a man. ~ Ursula K. Le Guin "The masters" from "The Wind's Twelve Quarters" He can't see a belt without hitting below it. ~ Margot Asquith "Listener" I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. ~ Rita Rudner If you don't find it in the index, look very carefully throughout the entire catalog. ~ Sears Roebuck Catalog If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. ~ Phil Pastoret If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. ~ Unknown My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. ~ Joe Weinstein On the other hand, you have different fingers. ~ Jack Handey The first rule of holes: when you're in one, stop digging. ~ Molly Ivins There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. ~ Jerry Seinfeld Total absence of humor renders life impossible. ~ Colette "Chance Aquaintances" |
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