October 28, 2003

I am not dealing with this very well, I think.  I can’t sleep, yet I can’t get up off my bootay to do anything productive.  I had dreams about John Edwards (Crossing Over) last night (by last night, I mean between 5 and 8 am) and a cursed tray and a floating head and arms.  I have way too much free time on my hands right now to go through a break up.  I am on holiday and so that means I have absolutely nothing to do.  I can’t find a decent radio station for anything, and I am genuinely perplexed as to why washing machines take two hours over here and only thirty five minutes in America.  I am irritable….at everything.  If I eat another Bourbon Cream, I think I’ll be sick.  I feel pathetic.  I called Jay before he left for work this morning.  I’ve never called Jay in the morning, but now that we broke up, I feel that I must speak to him as soon as he wakes up?  When did I become some needy puppy dog? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m losing my voice and getting some kind of cold I think.  This may have contributed to the fact that I woke up with drool all over my face and literally felt like a puppy dog.  This didn’t help the pathetic factor, either.  My housemates are away on holiday and I am here, typing, on the computer, about how pathetic I feel. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Damn you, Jay!  I offered you a no strings attached relationship with no commitment and it was YOU who insisted on being “together”.  To see only each other, to be boyfriend/girlfriend.  I was dubious, but went along with it.  As I really started to like you, I told you, and I said, “Jason, you better be sure about this, b/c my emotions are getting involved now.”  You were sure, you assured me.  I talked about how I hoped that you could patient with me until I got the courage to allow myself to open up, to care, to be cared for.  You said it would just take time.  I asked if you would still be there when I sorted it out.  You said “yes”. 

 

Never once did you happen to mention that you yourself won’t open up at all to anyone.  You failed to mention that you knew this relationship was going nowhere b/c you had made that decision upon its creation (which, I may reiterate, was YOUR IDEA!)  You didn’t hint at the fact that you’ve already decided you will never love again b/c it hurt too much.  No, you let me think it was ME with all the issues.  I cared for you more and more, but you, your feelings never got any deeper than they were when we first met.  And you wonder why I was afraid to open MYSELF up.  I couldn’t have been more clear about what I was feeling and why I was feeling it.  You repeatedly assured me, that yes, everything was fine, you were being straightforward, etc., etc.  I believed you.  Silly, silly me.

 

And then, after I remind you of all this, all you can say is, “I guess I wasn’t really listening to what you were saying”.  HUH?!

 

I really, really hate what you did to me, Jason.  It’s not as if I just got the wrong idea.  It’s not as if I backed you into a corner.   I offered you what you (I now assume) wanted and no, you said you liked me, you wanted to be with me, only me.  End of story.  I warned you that I was starting to care, you told me it was alright.  Then, out of a post coital comment, I find out that you never had any intention of really caring?  And then YOU accuse ME of taking things too seriously.  My God, no wonder I’m bitter.

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